Ā
Every now and then, Dr. Paul Weston (Gabriel Byrne) from HBO’s series, “In Treatment” comes out with a good line, full of depth, and accurate to the therapy process.
In one of the episodes I saw this week, Dr. Weston says, “Is it easier to be angry with me than to look at your own pain?”Ā His client was throwing all kinds of angry jabs at him when clearly she was angry, upset, and miserable about her own life.
Even though it was said on television, that line has a lot of truth in it.
Ā
“Is it easier to be angry with me than to look at your own pain?”
I realize that most of you reading this blog are not connected enough with me — Kathy — to make me a likely target for your anger.Ā Frankly, I appreciate that.Ā Believe me, I’m not “volunteering” to be the target.
But, have a think about the people that are closer to you — the people that are more visible in your life.
Ā
Is it easier to be angry with your therapist than to look at your own pain?
Is it easier to be angry with your spouse than to look at your own pain?
Is it easier to be angry with your friend than to look at your own pain?
Is it easier to be angry with your boss than to look at your own pain?
Is it easier to be angry with a stranger than to look at your own pain?
Is it easier to be angry with yourself than to look at your own pain?
Ā
So many people want to deflect their pain by pointing at other people, blaming other people, and being angry with other people.Ā It’s often too hard to sit with your own pain without doing that.
What makes anger easier to express than pain? Ā Ā 
How many times have you argued with or fussed at your therapist when you were in deep pain?
What makes your therapist a safe enough person to be the target of your anger?
For people with DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder), it is even more complicated because there are often insiders with memories of pain that they want to talk about, and the host / front alter part may not want to hear about it.Ā Host parts can get angry and upset with their therapists for listening to the inside ones.Ā Why is this so often the case?
Are you getting angry at your therapist instead of looking at your own pain?
Listening to all that a person says is an important part of therapy.Ā Would you rather your therapist not listen to your inner parts?Ā Isn’t that the same as asking your therapist to not listen to you as a whole person?Ā Ā Why should your therapist talk to some of you, but not all of you, especially if those others want to talk about the pain that they are feeling?Ā Why should they be ignored, neglected, shunned?
What if your therapist listened and talked to them, but not to you?Ā It probably wouldn’t go over so well if the shoe were on the other foot.
See, even though you are switching, and you feel very much like different people, your therapist will still see you as the same basic person.Ā While there may be some parts of your system that are more involved with the current day / outside world than others, everyone in your system is still important, and everyone can have their say.
Of course, part of the difficulty here is that some of the insiders speak about things that the host is very very uncomfortable with.Ā Sometimes the insiders speak of trauma memories that the host doesn’t want to hear about.Ā Sometimes the insiders speak of ongoing abuse, or abuse by a loved one.Ā Sometimes the very speaking about abuse at all is more than the host wants to hear.
Another common reason that dissociative trauma survivors express anger at their therapist is because expressing anger at their perpetrators is too complicated.Ā Displacing and projecting anger at your therapists instead of your perpetrators may help to find some version of release of anger, but it isn’t really going to get to the root of the problem, so it’s not going to get the kind of resolution that you might be looking for.
Expressing anger at the people that hurt you — while one might think that should be easy — is actually very difficult for survivors with dissociative disorders.Ā There are a number of different reasons for this:
- The violent, sadistic abuser is still alive and still poses a threat.Ā If you are overwhelmed by your fear of this person, it is harder to feel safe enough to be angry with them.
- You may have been threatened with great harm and more violence if you expressed anger or irritation with your perpetrators.Ā This “rule” is hard to overcome.
- You may be too dissociated from your trauma memories to really know who your perpetrators are.Ā When this is the case, you are at risk of expressing your anger at the wrong people.
- Due to the complications of your family dynamics and trauma memories, you might feel too trapped by your own guilt, or shame, or humiliation to feel able to be angry at anyone else.
Emotions can be very complex and finding a way to safely and honestly express your pain and your anger may take a lot of work and practice.
The next time you are angry at your therapist, think about what Dr. Weston words,
“Is it easier to be angry with me than to look at your own pain?”
Are you choosing to be angry, instead of sitting with your pain?
I wish you the best in your healing journey…..
Warmly,
Kathy
Copyright Ā© 2008-2020 Kathy Broady MSW and Discussing Dissociation
Today ther be som bigs that be very angre Becus of a sad anivresre and som uthr things
I think them got lots of pane
Them dont want to fas it
It be esyr for them to yell at ys kids and otsid pepl then fas the big pane in ther harts
And wehn caden try to tok them abt it them get way wers
It to bad becus it be betr to tok abot pane then be angre
I thik it be esyr to be angre at littlr inside kids like me then look at ther own pane
Angre be a wast of tim
My dissociation is a space. Hard to figure out what is going on, words have double meanings, and I have a sense of being down and out. I live with it everyday and the way out is to express very painful emotions which I avoid, very painful existence right now. Affecting my job, relationships, etc. Just throwing out there to see if anyone experiencing something similiar.
When I first read this article, I thought.. hmmmmm. Isn’t this just another point to prove I just don’t belong?
I don’t generally see the anger. But.. if I take a very close look.. there it is. Angry words, passive aggressive behavior, lashing out verbally to others, self defeating mechanism… yep. There it is.
I might have been thinking that anger is shown as some sort of physical expression such as hitting someone. Further exploration it has multiple ways of expressing itself, doesn’t it?
Even anger towards my insiders.. displayed as shutting them out or off.
I hadn’t even thought of that as a display of anger.
My therapist(S).. ok so yes..,even that.
But am I not willing to look at my pain? That’s a good question..
At one very stupid treatment place for DID they did this anger therapy stuff, i think you had to throw balls at a mattress on the wall. Everyone had to do it whether they wanted to or not. Since that place was so triggery, mae was always out. The stupid therapist made her pick up some balls and start throwing them. Then THEY got mad at HER, just because she wouldnt start yelling and throwing the balls. One stupid lady started yelling at mae. Which ended up maling mae really switchy and scared, and bunches of little kids coming out hut they were afraid to say anything and just shut down instead. So them the lady therapist just got mad.
Stupidest exercise ever.
Thanks for Your reply! Sorry i had not seen this earlier. Guess i’ve been “away” for a while.
Very good ??’s to think about. Unfortunately, i have little contact with memories/emotions in my past. I just know that when a person gets angry, those around them get hurt real bad, and I do Not want to be the one causing the hurt.
Will be thinking though – now that i Know What to think about š
Thanks!!
me
Wow. glad to hear not the only one w/no anger issues. very hard for me. when it does come out, very violent. very scary. been in safe place for 5 yrs and thankfully that one has not come out. My T has only been able to push anger out of me 1 time in past 1.5yr. Then i quickly covered it up and let It ‘go away’.
Did not realize being able to “do” anger at the appropriate times was such a big deal and a needed part of life. Still scares me and i freeze up when i have that emotion. No words come out, just instant, hot angry tears at not being able to fight back.
This is something to think about as might be just one of a myriad of triggers of my anorexia. Now, if i could just think…
Hi lostindid,
Thanks for sharing more about your anger issues… Yes, it is very common for dissociative survivors to have difficulty expressing anger.
Here are some questions to think about:
What happened, when you were young, when you showed anger towards your family members?
Were you ever punished for being angry?
What were the rules of anger expression in your household growing up? Do you still hold to these same rules of expression?
What is the scariest thing about anger?
I’d be willing to bet that yes, of course, the rules about anger (and all kinds of other feelings) are very much connected to your anorexia issues. Explore those connections more … Look at what “feels” like the rules, even if you “think” the rules should be different…
Good luck – and keep up the good work –
Kathy
I wanted to say something but too many insiders see it different and we got so messed up with that that I can’t get my words out. It has taken 14 years of therapy to even begin to get angry. Pain has been my constant companion my whole life.
I’m just so angry today that I married someone who would NEVER be there for me. I picked a mate who would perpetuate the anguish of my childhood and I absolutely hate myself for doing that to me. Stupid. I feel so stupid. It took me 29 years to figure out that my marriage stinks and is never going to be worth a tinker’s damn unless a freaking miracle happens. I’m almost in panic mode looking at the truth. My feelings are scaring me so badly right now. They feel so violent and extreme and I feel so small and powerless. I don’t know what to do with myself; I’m afraid.
lost pixie
Pixie,
It is good to hear that you are making enough progress in your healing to find your anger. Have the courage to address your anger, because anger is a real emotion, and it sounds like you certainly have reasons to be angry.
But be kind to yourself and give yourself some slack about the decisions you made years ago. You did the best you could at the time, and there is still hope yet. Your hubby may not be able to understand DID or severe trauma, but you can still reach your own healing even without his help or support. Focus on what you need to do to heal, and let him be who he is. As you find your own peace of mind about your trauma, it will help your marriage in a positive way.
When your feelings get really really big — find a way to express them. Write in your journal, type out the story on your blog, paint a picture (or two or three), walk outside in a private place and voice outloud how deeply your feel, write lists of things you are angry about – try dump sheets (see the Writing Room in http://www.AbuseConsultants.com for instructions). The point being — put it out there. Don’t contain it inside yourself, and don’t use numbing things like SI or addictions. Be really courageous, sit with those feelings, and express them somewhere safely.
It’s always good to have someone with you when you are feeling such big feelings, but since that’s not always possible or practical, so work at doing some of this work on your own too. You can do it. They are your feelings, and it’s really ok for you to acknowledge and own how you feel.
Keep working at it — it’s new to feel, but it’s ok. It’s good to have emotions. They are a natural part of being human.
Thinking of you,
Kathy
Kathy,
I have asked my T about support groups. I live in a very small town – 25,000 people, many of whom know me. They know me as being from a great family and they have no idea who I really am. So, there are no groups within an hour’s drive. Even if there was, I can’t afford anymore than I’m paying now because I can’t afford what I’m paying now. Thanks for the suggestions, tho.
I am all but resigned to the fact that not only do I have to pay financially for what’s happened to me , I will forever pay for it emotionally, mentally, and physically, too.
There is one bright spot, however small. My daughter convinced me to go online with a blog. After I set it up, I was terrified to read anyone elses blog. I am still cautious and at times my T suggests I refrain from reading/writing online because sometimes the consequences are far reaching. But – I am finding some solace in writing to and reading about other people’s experiences.
And here’s another weekend…
Ivory,
I know how stretched thin things can get, so just know that your invitation to join SurvivorForum is a standing offer. Maybe there will be a time when you can afford to join, and when that happens, it will still be there and you will be welcome. š
Fortunately, there are a whole bunch of online resources now that are helpful, enormously helpful, for survivors who are isolated in rural areas or small towns with few trauma experts. You’ve done well reaching out this way — keep up the good work!
Kathy
Ahhh…I see. It sure sounds nicer the say the whole thing….
Hi!
I was wondering if you would be willing to blogroll my site about my own therapy-related experiences . . . ?? (Thank you in advance!)
– Marie
http://mmaaggnnaa.wordpress.com/
Julie,
It’s “pain in the Ass”. I didn’t get it at first, either, but I likes it!
Ivory,
yep, you got it right. š
It’s the acronym version. š
Kathy
Kathy. Thank you for your blog, which I just found. I will come back and explore more. Pain and anger. Good topic. I think anger towards the therapist is the least worrisome problem. Anger’s a big issue and, like others have said, I can turn it inward with the best of them. I’ve worked really hard at not doing that and instead being self-nurturing. But, sure, isn’t this human nature to take pain out on other people? Everyone needs to learn how to not do that. If we can explore this pain/anger topic in therapy then it can be worked on and we can remove it from the important areas of our daily lives.
Thanks, Paul
What is “PITA” ? I have a few good guesses…but maybe someone could tell me.
Thanks
Can’t be angry. Anger is evil. It would make us just like them.
“The point of this particular blog being to encourage angry people to find the emotion that is more hidden for them, and maybe not as accessible to them, which may very well be their pain. (or it could be fear, etc, but this partcular blog article was about an anger – pain connection.)”
Why didn’t you say so! š If you did, I wouldn’t have to disagree at all because the anger-pain connection would have a context (i.e. all the other “emotional displacements” and “emotional projections”) which it lacked. I don’t like things being presented on their own, without the context. Thank you for your answer and hope you’re having a good day, too.
Sam
Sam,
I thought I did say so. š
I suppose the context of this particular episode of “In Treatment” was more my mind than I conveyed in the post.
Anyway – better late than never… š
Sometimes good communication takes a few tries… but that’s ok. I’d rather work at it a few times than to have a misunderstanding left dangling out here…
Cheers,
Kathy
I think I am entitled to be angry at my therapist when there is a rupture between us that she has been instrumental in causing. That is rarely if ever the case. Most irritation or anger I feel toward the therapist is actually anger and frustration with myself, and if I project it onto her, it’s really a waste of my valuable time and money in therapy. I do tell her when I am frustrated, annoyed, and generally pissed off … and once I informed her that part of my system found her to be “a pain in the ass.” We had a good laugh over that, as we both knew it wasn’t actually about her; what my system really resented was me for being in the room and telling my secrets to someone whom my alters still don’t always reliably recognize.
Hi David,
Therapeutic ruptures are a complicated topic all on their own, that’s for sure. And they happen, without a doubt.
And yes, you’ve also caught on to the important, common element of the therapy process that I was talking about and you’ve said it well. “Most irritation or anger I feel toward the therapist is actually anger and frustration with myself, and if I project it onto her, itās really a waste of my valuable time and money in therapy.” It’s really good to have an understanding that dynamic occurs, and to work really hard at finding the deeper issues going on in those situations for your own benefit and gain.
I’m really glad to hear that you and your T can joke about her being a “PITA”. I think that is an excellent sign of how strong and positive your therapeutic relationship is. When I reach the point of being able to joke with someone about being their “PITA”, then I know we are starting to get somewhere. It reaches the point of mutual understanding that this projection dynamic is occurring, and instead of it being a difficult point of contention, it can become a more light-hearted jumping off place for some really good work.
Thanks for your comment,
Kathy
We are incapable of expressing anger, instead we cry, or we would cry had our meds not stolen away the ability.
We can feel profound self-loathing, which we suppose is misplaced anger.
Simone can be angry, livid in fact. But if she’s triggered she reverts to thoughts of SI or worse and takes over. Our protector has to rein her in.
Even feeling irritation can provoke feelings of guilt. A voice inside says mad is bad.
I don’t think that I can express anger or sadness.
Isn’t that what all those insiders are for?????? LOL
for Juliewtf —
LOL LOL LOL!!! š
Well, yes! As a matter of fact, I guess that is what those insiders are for!!
Funny girl, lol.
Kathy
By implying that it was expressed instead of another (“correct”) emotion, the “correctness” ( = validity) of one particular emotion (be it anger or any other emotion) is being questioned.
And I don’t like emotions to be questioned!
They need to be acknowledged, firstly.
And, secondly, we need to learn a repertoire of creative ( = non-destructive) ways to express the emotion (all of them).
That’s all. Easier said then done, of course š
And another thing.
It is especially counter-productive to say to the traumatized client “you should look at the pain instead of expressing anger”. Nope! Learning creative repertoire of (non-destructive) ways to express the anger is all we need!
oh Sam,
lol, you’re at me again. I wish I had a dollar for every time you disagreed with me, lol. I’d be a wealthy woman by now! š
Of course all emotions are important — I certainly would not ever say that anger is not a valid emotion.
Your rephrasing my point as if one emotion was the “correct” emotion over another — well, that’s not what I was saying. I don’t like that implication any more than you do.
I think some people can express their anger much easier than their pain, while other people can express their pain much easier than their anger.
The point of this particular blog being to encourage angry people to find the emotion that is more hidden for them, and maybe not as accessible to them, which may very well be their pain. (or it could be fear, etc, but this partcular blog article was about an anger – pain connection.)
Working with emotions is MUCH more complicated that just this bit — but this is one important piece of the puzzle. A whole lot more goes into it than just this. I’d have to write a whole book to talk about all the complexities of all emotions and emotional displacement and emotional projection, and appropriate emotional expression, etc etc. One blog article certainly won’t cover it all.!
I hope you’re having a good day —
Kathy
Kathy,
Since I have an eating disorder along with DID, I take my anger out on my food. The question posed, “Is it easier to be angry with…than to look at your own pain,” is so relavent for me.
By focusing on my food and how much I’m angry with myself and hate myself, I can’t look at my pain. I’m sabotaging my own pain by not respecting it and paying heed to it.
This is a good post. It is important to note, as you did, we can take our anger out on just about anything or anyone.
Missing In Sight
Hi Missinginsight –
Thanks for your post. I’m glad to see that you found it to be an important, helpful post for you.
Yes, many people will avoid a certain emotional reality by focusing on other things — ie: focusing on food, drowning away that emotion with alcohol, using SI to numb it away, focusing on self hatred, etc.
If you can find the courage to look at your pain, to sit with it, and to really understand it — while that is very very hard work to do, it will really be some important steps in your healing.
Keep up the good work — it sounds like something really fell into place for you this week. Well done.
Kathy
Pain feels shitty.
Anger makes me feel powerful.
We get angry for only very very short time w/T to make her back off sometimes.
This is to protect her and us.
Mostly our anger is self directed.
Though sometimes it is not.
I used to burn it away w/working hard physical labour.
But now we wrecked the body by working to exreemes.
Now we can’t get rid of anger that way.
We trying to learn safer ways.
This my thots
i can’t comment right now, but i will when i get myself together..
Learnt long ago to internalise emotions. The only thing that really gets us wound up is seeing someone else being victimised in any way. Other than that a majority of the emotions we feel are used as a way to punish this body. There seems to be some irony in the fact that showing anger would be a breakthrough. Some people need anger management to control it, we need it in order to be able to express it appropriately.
Anger is more of a trigger for us when others are displaying it – time to run and hide. It can be confusing in that our main psychological abuser showed anger as brooding and silence. So if someone is withdrawn and silent, we start to get very nervous.
Take care
Castorgirl,
Well said – and that’s very true for a lot of folks. Learning how to express internalized emotions appropriately in any way at all is often as big a task as it is for others to learn how to control overly-expressed emotions. Good point.
I think anger is a difficult and scary trigger for a lot of survivors. I suppose / assume, most perps would have displayed a version of anger a lot of the time, so … the idea of anyone else showing anger might trigger off the survivor’s fear of what their perpetrators did. And learning the opposite of that – that not all anger is going to result in actual abuse and trauma – is important and difficult for survivors to learn as well.
Thanks for the comments — it’s always good to hear from you.
Kathy
There is so much pain. I get angry at my T because he tells me things will get better – they never do. I get angry at my family because they have no compassion and have abandoned me because it’s easier for them to believe in the “goodness” of the abuser. I get angry at other people because they make fun of people like me and other people with disabilities – because they are “normal” and like to flaunt it.
I would love to be angry at my abuser, but he is dead and he is the only one who knew the others. I have no where to put the anger and when I’m overwhelmed with it, a panicked 11 year old cuts me to stop my frantic swelling emotion.
If I told anyone, the abusers warned me that no one would believe me and they would all hate me. It has happened. Everyone I held near and dear to my heart has left me because of DID and/or PTSD, and now I’m all alone to deal with the end result of what happened to me. And I am really angry that because I can no longer pay for it, I have to stop therapy, so the only person who showed me any acceptance at all will go away, too.
But, no, it’s not easy to be angry at anybody, except myself. There are a lot of “what ifs” and “if onlys” in my life.
Ivory,
I can really hear your pain… you are good at putting it into words and writing… maybe go a little further along those lines.
There are still things you can do to express your anger and feelings about your abuser even tho’ he has passed away. The expression of your feelings is more for your benefit than his anyway, so work with your T in terms of finding ways that you can get that stuff said out loud, and processed, and not sitting in there being stuffed back with cutting. There are lots of ways to use writing exercises / journaling exercises to help process pain and anger. If you need some ideas, go to AbuseConsultants.com , click on the dark blue puzzle piece for the Writing Room, and then click on the Journaling Exercises tab.
One of the main things to do is to keep talking about the stuff that you went thru’ — and make sure that everyone in your system gets the chance to talk about their experiences and their trauma. As everyone has their chance to heal, you as a whole can heal. I am very very sure that there are people now, here in the here and now, that will believe you and will be able to listen to you. Other survivors and people that understand that abuse happens will believe you and they won’t have any reason to hate you. Support groups and other survivors may be more willing to hear than your family members.
Have you ever gone to a support group? Or have you ever considered joining a forum for survivors? You are certainly welcome to join in with SurvivorForum as another option for you. The group members there very much know how you feel, and I’m sure they would understand. A lot of times, its really important to figure out who to tell,.. and all too often, family members are not going to be the most open-minded to hearing about abuse stuff. That’s sad, really sad, but too true too much of the time.
I’m so sorry to hear that you may be losing your T. That’s not good. Maybe SurvivorForum could be an affordable option for you?? It’s just all so hard, I know…. But keep working at it because your healing is important.
Thanks for your posts and participation here,
Kathy
I understand your frustration hard to get what is real and express that to others, I am going through this condition now. Tremendous fear to express certain emotions that come up, and this avoidance leaves me in a terrible space. People say I am running from myself and of course they are right, but they don’t understand this condition. I am a school teacher but I took time off from work afraid of emotions coming up at work. But I definitely relate to the anger and no where to place it.