Suicide is a difficult topic.
All too many trauma survivors feel drawn to it.
Mental health professionals fight against it.
Insurance companies dismiss it.
Religions disagree about it.
The world out there doesn’t know how to interpret it. The world does not know how to talk about it. It’s controversial and complex. There are no simple answers.
Who’s to blame for it?
The individual? The parents? The treating physicians? The perpetrators that caused the initial pain? The spouse or other family members?
And do we have to have someone to blame?
When you think about suicide, do you think that it is…
- A last resort?
- Abusive?
- Ambivalent?
- An avoidance?
- Comforting?
- Controlled?
- Depressing?
- Destructive?
- Devastating?
- Discouraging?
- Disrespectful?
- Good?
- Heartbreaking?
- Horrifying?
- Isolating?
- Lonely?
- Manipulative?
- Overwhelming?
- Painful?
- Peaceful?
- Punishing?
- Relieving?
- Reluctant?
- Right?
- Scary?
- Selfish?
- Someone’s right to choose?
- Stupid?
- Tragic?
- Upsetting?
- Wrong?
- An option?
- Never an option?
- A compulsion?
- Something outside of your control?
- Your destiny?
If you have ever truly cared for someone who has committed suicide, your life will be forever changed.
I am convinced that one of the absolutely most painful and devastating traumatic heartbreaks is to have a loved one commit suicide. The surviving friends and family members are left with questions that will forever remain unanswered. Children whose parents commit suicide are forever scarred, and parents whose children commit suicide are forever in gut-wrenching pain.
If you are suicidal, please get help immediately.
Your life matters more than you realize.
There is hope for you.
There is help for you.
Warmly,
Kathy
Copyright © 2008-2017 Kathy Broady MSW and Discussing Dissociation
We just found out someone we know tried to commit suicide last year. They were in a coma, near death, having all sorts of complications . It sounds completely terrifying, our heart is beating so fast and we feel sick. We didnt even KNOW. They didnt want anyone to know. It breaks our heart. Our brain is racing. We just dont even know what to say or do.
Hi Rylie,
I am so sorry to hear about your friend. That truly is a heartbreaking and difficult situation you are in. If the friend is okay with you knowing about the attempted suicide, then just let them know that you are there to listen if ever they want to talk. Personally, I feel that the ball is in their court to decide if they want to reach out to you or not being mindful of their privacy and needs.
I am coming up on the third anniversary of a very dear friend’s suicide. I was gutted by his death and sent into a horrible spin that was a mixture of grief, horror (how he did it), self-recrimination and helplessness with regard to whether my mental health state would lead me to taking my life too. Just so many emotions all over the place. My best friends were his best friends as well so we were all in a state of shock unable to help one another. Thank heaven for my therapist!
I went over my last encounter with him two days before his death a million times in my head. What if I said or did things differently? Why could I not help him work on his traumas in a healing way? Why was holding him in my arms for hours at a time not enough to help take away his pain? What should I have done differently? Was his death inevitable because of his mental health issues as one of the friend’s who spoke at his funeral said? Is my death at my own hands inevitable because of my mental health issues? And on and on …
We just never know what those minutes before the suicide or attempted suicide are like for the person who sees no other way. I certainly have had those feelings myself and am so thankful that something took me back from that edge (I think some of my insiders). I do not know what that is … I wish I did so I could have told my friend. In the end, he did what he felt that he needed to do.
Sometimes just holding caring space, even in silence, is all that we can do, all that we need to do. Be there if your friend reaches out but let them come to you is what I am thinking. They are going through their own process with dealing with what they have done.
I know that you are a very thoughtful person Rylie so I hope that you can come to some peace with this news.
I have suicidal thoughts fairly often. I know that my children and grandchildren would be devastated but sometimes I can’t see my way to mental health and the pain is so great that I feel like I can’t deal with it anymore. Between my childhood and losing a daughter at the age of 7, sometimes it’s just too much
The littles
I have no special words or fancy message back for you…but I can say I really understand your pain, I also lost a daughter, she was older, but that devastation on top of a life of trauma is a huge loss to bear…I hear you, I feel your pain and I CARE💗
linda
We had a lot of SI situations….when we finally saw the part that carried it we saw that she was trying to help us out of “overwhelm”…..An extreme measure indeed – but she saw it as her job to “help” us…..Now when we are in a situation where we start feeling overwhelmed and we see her staring at us and stepping forward with her “help” – we recognize what is happening and feel less “out of control” with it….We acknowledge and thank her for doing her “job” and say, “It’s OK – we will figure out another way to deal with this”…..(We don’t yet know her story or how she came to get that job)……
She seems accepting of it because she steps back…but she is always on watch for her job….One of these days we will figure out how to get her ANOTHER job!…
MissyMing
04/11/21
No one really knows the internal pain another person is in. I say Do NOT judge another person that decides to take their own life. It is terribly sad, but so is living in unending pain. I am furious when I hear people say suicide is a selfish act. No what is selfish is family and friends wanting their loved one to continue living in pain and despair for their sake!!! Suicide is very sad, but living on and on with mental illnesses and disorders and constantly trying and failing treatments is devastating. Treatment and medications do Not work for everyone…I know!
Sadness is setting in. As another birth year approaches. This year has already been a difficult year with so many personal challenges then you add the covid19 into the mix. At this time no suicidal thoughts come into play associated with the birthday. In fact less then a month ago. The system was so overwhelmed it ran. It drove half way across the USA and ended up doing some intense therapy with Kathy. It has proven to the system that attempting to commit suicide truly is not an option for us anymore.
This is my thought . We have tried many times. A few time the doctor said “ you should of died “ so this tells me. No matter how many times you try if it isn’t your time! It will not happen.
So my philosophy now is why drive why make people worry question why they can’t help you ,
*** trigger warning ***
you know what tuck , some people have good reasons for wanting to die. like because they hate themselves and hate their body and their face and feel desperately lonely or get tired of being such a f#ck up. some people just might get tired of fighting everything every day. jo
Yes!! We can see it is sad but it just is … always
some of jodies friends killd them selfs. like eric shot hiself in the mouth. and robin her took to many pills. and stuff like that. it still bpther jodie even tho it did be a long long time ago. her think abot it lots. it be so sad alredy that pepol die from be sick when them get old. like we no sombudy who die yesterday and he did be real nice.
you dont got to go rush it by di from you self. 😕
Hi All,
Just want to say that suicide is a crazy, f*cked-up way to deal with your shit! Ya, I have been there a bunch of times myself and I have one insider who is keen to make me (the outside person) and some of the insiders suffer. Then there is the ultimate check out – “I cannot handle life anymore”. Sure, it is the ultimate escape from your pain but it sure does bring a whole big sh*t load of pain down on the people around you. And, before you go telling me no one loves you and cares about you or would notice that you are gone, that is a lie that you try and tell yourself to get you to harm yourself. I am here. I care about you. I love you. I do not want you to do anything to harm yourself. I would feel your loss even if the only one who knows about it is the one who finds you. The loss is there. No question about it. And sh*t your little self was strong and smart and creative enough to keep you alive through all of the trauma and cr*ap that others put on you so smarten the f*ck up and be as strong and smart and creative to keep yourself safe now.
A dear sweet friend of mine killed himself three days ago. He was so beautiful inside and out. He was so loved by so many people. I loved him with all of my heart and soul. He was my heart son. He called me momma. He collected a couple of mommas (a friend and myself – mostly my friend) because he was devoid of that attachment and we were happy to fill that role in his life. He was not abandoned by us. He had us in his love circle through thick and thin.
I am devastated that he chose to take himself out and did not give life a chance. I am angry that he could not, would not face his sh*t and try to heal. I am angry that he picked the easy way out for himself and left his friends in such agony. I have held him in my arms, kissed him, cradled him, held his aching head and body tightly to mine to sooth him and bring strength and love to him. I am pissed off that that was not enough and that he did not give me a chance to offer more. I am just so angry with him and gutted … just aching to the core.
Love yourselves folks. You are special. You are precious. You are worthy of life and happiness. I love you. I want you to keep living and trying and healing and accepting some joy in life. It is there folks. You can turn the darkness into light. You have a big beacon of light offered to you here at DD with Kathy and your friends here. I beg you to take a leap of faith and let that light in.
ME+WE
06/24/19
Oh Me+We….I am SO sorry for your loss….your expression of your pain shook me to my core….a vivid reminder of what the “other side” of the situation looks like….it is so easy for us to be so “lost” in our side of it – we forget that there is another side…..as gut-wrenching as your pain is – thank you for sharing it with us….I wish I knew something to say to help you in this…..just know that you are in our hearts….
MissyMing
06/26/19
Don’t understand why it must be relived over and over. The souls with in this shell are extremely tired.. No one here is telling anything about suicide thoughts. If its going to happen then let it be. if not, then it won’t. feeling raped because of one that is obviously sexual. The one’s residing inside this shell are conflicted and confused.
One among may
Hello Deborah,
Hang in there. Life can be difficult with DID that is for sure. But, we just have to keep trying. Building communication and cooperation with our insiders is the key.
You are not alone on this journey. Reach out and talk here if you can.
ME+WE
01/19/19
suicide hotlines in america are a f’g joke. they have no idea how to deal with DID.
Nobody,
Most people do not know how to deal with D.I.D,
We have to be Creative in the way are needs get meet.
Hi Nobody,
It sounds like you reached out to a hotline and it didn’t help. I’m sorry. That must have been frustrating and angering. You’re trying to get help and you didn’t get it. Well, I hope you got some relief from some where because you deserve to not have to deal with this.
I’ve used a hotline before and it was okay. I mean they listened to what I was feeling and that helped to be able to get it all out. But yeah, it was best to talk to my t about it. But sometimes she wasn’t available, so that’s where the hotline came in. I would definitely agree that they aren’t equipped to handle DID. I mean they’ll listen about it, but I guess they just aren’t trained to handle that.
Have you experienced hotlines in other countries? How are they different?
I hope you get the relief you need in healthy and healing ways.
MultipleMe
9/8/18
Maybe this is just me – the way that I have figured out how to keep functioning in the Outside World at work, at home, at whatever….Function on the Outside – disconnect and HIDE the Inside….. Sometimes by the time I get home from work and errands, etc…I feel so disconnected I’m almost “vegetative”…..thank goodness my husband is so focused on old westerns, etc….that way I don’t have to try to explain anything. If the two worlds get too close together I am caught in a Twilight Zone…..when I am with my T…I have the safe space to disconnect from the Outside and step into the Inside – to see…….
I get hit at times with rounds of “suicidal waves” (ideation??) and can literally see a part Inside so emotionally overwhelmed that she collapses to the floor…and then comes the waves…..sometimes it’s a feeling of “supposed to”…sometimes a feeling that it is the ONLY way out….. Sometimes it’s like watching a “movie”, or through a glass pane…..the hard times is when I can “feel” it…..but I have kept hanging in there – making it through…..I still don’t know why she does that..Outside “Catch – 22” situations seem to trigger it off…….all I know to do at this point is “see” it, disconnect – and stay alive.
What I am trying to say is that for so long I have had to keep my Inside World hidden from others – I can see it….but can’t explain it in a way that is “ok” with others….(except my T). A long time ago I heard a preacher lady angrily say that “Suicide is the most selfish act there is”……it confused and hurt me….and made me aware that SHE was one I would never be able to turn to for help or make myself vulnerable to – or bare my soul to…..SHE was one who would never know about my Inside World….or know about the “collapsing one”………How can I make such a judgment about a “part” whose story I don’t know…..how can I condemn her as “selfish” when I don’t know her “why”……….
True….I obviously have not succeeded in that ultimate direction……mainly because of my fear of Pilgrim’s “what if……” and because of the Darkness I see Inside that I don’t understand or know what to do with….so I just keep holding onto God….keep talking to my T …… and keep staying alive …… until understanding comes….. Maybe because I have not succeeded in that direction – the term “selfish” doesn’t totally apply to me…..
I CAN see from the Outside perspective why that preacher lady would say that…..but I am one who must live with an Outside *AND* an Inside Perspective….and the two versions can clash tremendously….NOT fun to try to navigate through…..but I keep navigating as best as I can……
I long to find someone in my Outside World (other than my T) who can truly see and hear all that I am….and not be afraid of me…..and not condemn a “part” that even I don’t understand yet….Seeing them afraid of me only makes me more afraid of me…..NOT fun….
The good news is that this blog gives all of us a place to be ourselves. To express how complicated it is. A place to open up and be completely honest what we are about and how hard it is. A place that allows us to hear from other that face the same debilitating issues. A place that help with not feel so alone with ourselves.
Hi MissyMing,
“I long to find someone in my Outside World (other than my T) who can truly see and hear all that I am….and not be afraid of me…..and not condemn a “part” that even I don’t understand yet….”
Well, Missy said (and so wonderfully so), “The good news is that this blog gives all of us a place to be ourselves.”
Yup … right on … no wrong-minded, judging or condemning preacher ladies (or preacher guys) here. Just a lot of folks who have walked the walk and are still learning how to put one foot in front of the other without tripping over the chaos in our heads. You are not alone here MissyMing and there is nothing that you can say that you will not find a caring, compassionate and knowing response to. We know disconnected, vegetative, Twilight Zone, fear, suicidal waves, vulnerability, anger, loneliness, clinging to the edge of life feelings. We are there with you MissyMing. And, in knowing that, you can experience a very new and wonderful feeling – the feeling of being truly understood, appreciated and cared for just as you are.
Your friend,
ME+WE
08/06/18
How many of us with a dissociative disorder on their birthdays entertain the idea of suicide? Without fail this happens to me from the from the week before or the week after that just breaks me down so much
Hi Lori,
I am not at all good with remembering dates including my birthday. I guess that that is how I have dealt with my sad feelings. Just blanked it out of my memory banks. So, I am lousy at dates of any kind – good or bad.
But there are different times of the year where I get a serious blue wave roll over me for weeks on end and the old ideas about suicide rears its ugly head. I have never wanted to know what the seasonal trigger is. Too scared I guess. I do now know who of my insiders is responsible but I am still working on that relationship – very slowly!!!
I am sorry but I do not think that this is much help. I do not think that it is at all strange that you may be thinking this way. Maybe it would be helpful to ask who is feeling this way and why (i.e., seek the answer with your insiders). Someone has some seriously negative thoughts about your birthday and probably very good reasons why that you do not know yet.
ME+WE
08/03/18
I understand what you’re saying. It’s important for everyone to understand we’re not in that place in more. I’m sorry you feel so sad . Remember many years ago you would act on those feelings. Im so proud that you have learned how to just notice the feelings and not acting on them anymore. I has taken a lot of courage and determination to continue to live in a life that feels uncomfortable …
Here to another year of hard work, learning and growing.
What if that SP is completely alone? No family, no friends, no one out there to feel responsible for? What if the SP already tried and everyone in their life abandoned them because of it? What if the SP has a suicide alter that they cant control and that alter has no other way of thinking? They are their job and that is it? What kind of hope do you give someone like that?
Hi C4B,
Well, that is a tough one for sure. I am kind of hoping that the SP would talk here so that they know that they are not alone, that they are understood. I cannot change the past or sugar coat what happened. It was what it was. But, I can say that things can be different – are different because parts of you are here at the DD website and that you are part of a community that cares.
Now, I have an inside helper who keeps check on my SP. She is more complex not single purpose so maybe she is a bit different then the one that you are describing here. Anyway the helper keeps track and keeps her from harming me. When things get really close, she alerts another insider who tells me what the plan is so I can stop it or at least be on guard. Maybe you can find some inside helpers?
There is hope in our resilience and mere survival. You know the path through this darkness all too well Kennedy. You have managed to find your way out before all by yourself. Now you have your community here to help you find your way out again. And you will. Hang on. Keep talking. Stay focused on all that you have gained including a community of friends who truly care.
Lots of love and hugs to you all.
ME+WE
06/30/18
We’re trying to upgrade parts’ skill sets. It will take long times if it works. Persistence and growth goals. Not sure if it can happen and Ts are helping us try. 💗 6/30/18
What is part skill set
its better to keep your mouth shut in my experience. otherwise everyone just gets mad.which makes you more suicidal. and the suicide hotlines just tell you to tal to your therapist if you have one.
Hi nobody,
I sure hear what you are saying. Inside and outside folks just get weird when you talk about suicide. Especially when some insiders are pushing and making plans in that direction and others are either unaware or scared. I have a couple of insiders that help ME the host know what is happening so I can be vigilant to any plans (especially when the plans are to get rid of me). I seem to be able to manage things better now that I have helpers to alert me to what is going on. I can comfort the little ones and put them is their safe place and then try to talk to the ones that want to do us harm. Often they will not talk to me but I find that just acknowledging them and what they are feeling starts to calm things down. It is like they are shouting out their pain/anger/grief/despair/desperation/ etc. in the only way that they can. When I acknowledge them they feel heard somehow and they calm down a bit.
Well, you know what … we have just demonstrated a big important point here. We do not have to keep our mouths shut here on the DD website. Our community here will not be weirded out by us talking about suicide. And maybe we will have some tools to share to help each other. If nothing else, those who feel the desperation of the suicidal feelings can feel heard here.
Stay strong and safe nobody.
ME+WE
06/17/18