No, I’m not a multiple.
I do not have multiple personalities.
I do not have Dissociative Identity Disorder.
But I know multiples very well.
I am a trauma therapist who has worked almost exclusively with people with dissociative disorders. I met my first DID survivor 30 years ago. Since then, I have met more multiples than I can count, and I have spent hours and hours and hours each week — and most days — with one multiple or another.
Sometimes I talk to multiples in person, sometimes online, sometimes on the phone. I have led in-patient hospital-based groups for multiples, outpatient groups for multiples, online groups for multiples, and spouse groups for the supportive loved ones of multiples.
I’ve met multiples from various countries and several different continents around the world.
At this point in time, I don’t think there is anything someone with DID/MPD could say to me that would be shocking, or more horrifying than the already horrific stories that I have heard.
I do not mean that to say that I’ve heard everything because I haven’t. Everyone’s story is absolutely unique to itself. It never ceases to amaze me how many different versions of trauma exist out there in the world. But after a while, the versions of evil and horror and terror and exploitation become equal to each other as another chapter in my Listening Book. There is no way to categorize which traumas are worse than the others – it is all abuse, criminal, and painfully life-altering.
I haven’t heard it all, but I’ve heard enough to not be surprised anymore.
For some, I’ve been at the very beginning of their DID/MPD healing process, being the therapist that diagnoses the Dissociative Disorder and the first person to explain what dissociation is to the struggling survivor sitting in front of me. For most, I’ve become involved mid-journey to the healing process.
I’ve seen all the stages of healing, and I’ve witnessed many of the adjunct disorders, struggles, and complications that often appear alongside dissociative disorders. I’ve sat years and years of time alongside some multiples, and had brief exchanges with others.
And with each dissociative person I meet, I am reminded of some of the things that multiples have taught me:
1. The Strength of the Human Spirit
No matter what happened, no matter how severe the abuse, no matter how much the perpetrators try to use mind control and programmed thinking to manipulate someone, there is still a real person in there.
Dissociative survivors have always maintained the ability to think for themselves, even if they had to hide that deep inside a variety of complex dissociative layers. With some gentle encouragement and safe support to be who they really are instead of who the perps were trying to force them to be, all DID survivors can overcome the roles that were coerced upon them and decide to have the life that genuinely fits them.
The strength you have to be you can overcome any of the garbage piled on you by a perpetrator. Despite all that has happened, dissociative survivors can maintain a sense of themselves. How utterly impressive is that!
2. The Creativity of the Mind
The mind of a dissociative person is completely creative, complex, and unique.
To be able to solve such serious life problems while so very young, alone, powerless, and resource-less is awe-inspiring. Finding ways to exist and to maintain sanity without mentally breaking or totally self-destructing, even if that meant finding ways to co-exist with evil as safely as possible, is awe-inspiring.
3. The Strength of the Mind
Dissociative people have a mental strength.
They developed and perfected this strength during the years of mentally withstanding their abusers. They can think past the twists and turns of manipulation, they can see through lies and half-truths, and long ago realized they don’t have to totally become what is being forced upon them. The years and years of fighting off abusers that play twisted mind games have created a mental strength that is admirable.
4. The Incredible Ability to Withstand Enormous Physical Pain
As sad as it is to think that any person has had to learn how to withstand various physical tortures, people with DID/MPD have learned how to survive through these kinds of ordeals.
It is mind-boggling to me that people can have such strength and ability to overcome such physical pain and torment, and not be completely psychopathic and violent afterwards.
Dissociative people can maintain the ability for gentleness, kindness, compassion, and caring even after being physically tortured. That’s truly amazing.
5. The Strength of Connection and the Power of Love
Even though surrounded by too many abusers and violent sadistic criminals, most of the dissociative people I have met have retained the ability to love and to connect with someone else outside of themselves.
The ability to bond, and to love, and to have compassion for someone else was not squished out of them, even though the predators of the world would have tried repeatedly to destroy that ability permanently. This is foundationally important.
Unless someone truly becomes an antisocial sociopath, they cannot completely belong to dark evil organizations. If trainers and abusers cannot make a person absolutely willing to hurt others, without remorse or regret, then they cannot make a true abuser out of them nor have complete control of that person’s deeper true self.
Maintaining the ability to love and to connect, even when beaten to near-death by abusers is truly inspiring.
While you’re thinking about all this, here are some Dissoci-ACTION questions to ask yourself:
- Do you see these strengths within yourself?
- Have you recognized the depth of strength and character it takes to mentally fight off the invasive effects of abusers?
- What strengths do you see in yourself that are not yet listed?
- Which of these listed strengths is a surprise to you?
- Do you have what it takes to continue separating yourself from the actions and beliefs of your offenders?
Continuing on at….
10 Life-Lessons I’ve Learned from Multiples, part 2
Warmly,
Kathy
Copyright © 2008-2018 Kathy Broady MSW and Discussing Dissociation
As like memyselfand1 i have a lot of strength to with stand any kind of physical pain. i’m a self injury, but also i’ve been physically abused in childhood beyond measures. i’ve had broken bones that never got looked at, crack ribs, broken fingers, burns, and all other sorts of horrors that i suppose children endure. Unlike memyselfand1 i am the one who always endures the pain, i just really am not connected to it. it hurts, i can feel the hurt, but i’ve been taught over the years that crying is pointless, whining and complaining doesn’t help, and mostly that it never stops hurting..one way or the other. So i just let it be..if that makes sense..
i also have an amazing sense of humor. i kind find nearly anything to laugh it. sometimes this henders me, as my therapist says i use it as an avoidance technique, and as soon as the convo gets to intense or serious i have to crack a funny to lighten it up.
i suppose one other thing that i would never say outloud to anyone, is that i never stop believing in the goodness of man kind. i’ve been through a lot. and i think i still have alot of child-like innocence when it comes to having faith that people will generally do the right thing. my therapist gives me hope, and continues my faith, and i think as long as i see one person doing good and making a difference then its okay to still believe…
pieces,
k.liv
ps…how long do you think integrative therapy takes…an estimate per se’ my therapist refuses to give me an actual number…
Do you have DID? I don’t think integration is a thing, personally, I like my parts and don’t want integration. I would miss them.
We are treating with DID PTSD specialist. Integration is not our goal either. T never asked or invited it and reiterates often: all parts have a right to exist.
That said, if integration is your goal, we hope you achieve your goal. Timelines are non-existent in our estimation. Years would be a unit of measurement guess. Read robert oxnam‘s biography about his integration. 4/6/18
i like your bear
Hi,
I definately see the ability to withstand physical pain. I’ve had 8 knee surgeries, 6 with complications, including a staph infection and now have nerve damage. Doctors have commented how well I come through surgery, and how well I deal with recovery. My problem with withstanding pain, is that I know the pain exists and someone else is dealing with it. Unfortunately, medicating does not reach that part. I guess what I am saying is that I tolerate pain well, but when it gets too much, I can’t stop it.
Another strength I see is tenacity. Having a goal that you refuse to have beat down and perservere until you reach that goal. It’s not letting someone else take your goal, your hope, away from you. Being able to pick up and continue where you took a hiatus. It’s the goal, the desire to survive, to stand up for yourself – even it’s just teeny things at first. Knowing that you have survived, reaching a goal seems more atainable.
Sometimes, I see these things in me. Sometimes I don’t. I think it depends where I am at mentally.
But I always see these things in my multiple friends.
And my husband sees it in me, he tells me so all the time.
I think another thing that’s good is we never stop learning and adapting.
thelittlesurvivor said – “i can feel the hurt, but i’ve been taught over the years that crying is pointless, whining and complaining doesn’t help, and mostly that it never stops hurting..one way or the other. ”
I identify with that. Don’t know where it came from, seem to just know it. “Suck it up, no one cares if you’re in pain.” You just explained it better. Thank you.
Hi KB
I would point out that many “multiples” are in jail due to others in themself that stepped over the line and became the abuser. We are not all super heros. Sometimes we ARE the super villains. It would be really great if those of us with those tendencies were caught earlier and possibly given the chance to see a better way in the world. Of course that would mean exposing the source of the trainer in the first place.
I dislike that popular movies/books tend to depict their “multiples” as killers. Still we (personally) have had to come to terms with just such folk in our system. They come with all the negative super amazing abilities. Sometimes it takes a great deal of self sacrifice on their part not to step over that line today.
That said, I can relate to all of those point above, for folk in our system. It’s a very positive light on some very negative past.
It is hard at times to see the positives when life and the universe is taking one’s life space as it’s own little urinal. Which is why posts like these are so affirming. Thanks.
Ravin
Well, I see all these things except that pain thing. There was no ability to withstand terrible physical pain that we know of at at at at at all and we had all kinds of horrible physical pain off and on and surgeries and so so much and pain was often relentless. It took getting in the right kind of therapy with someone who knew what they were doing to teach us self hypnosis, and then finally, we could do something with our pain to soothe it. Which was a miracle. So we just do not relate to that physical pain thing. We dissociated from our emotions, not from physical pain. So we are wondering why? Why we never learned that. And all we can come up with is that we had been traumatized from birth with a digestive disorder that meant failure to gain weight and a nurse mother who refused the surgery to fix it and so then other medical traumas later on as a preschooler and then more even later on as a teen and relentless headaches probly from stress in gradeschool and so was our nurse mother who DID take care of us when we were sick and which meant we did feel somewhat loved and taken care of when sick mean that physical ills mattered and we didn’t have to dissociate from them coz someone was there early on for us during them?? But she never much paid attention to our horrible physical pain if there wasn’t a real sickness she could identify related to it. So we just had to suffer with that???? us
i do not see the h&^@ i live with as being ‘sanity’. i function (somewhat) better than a full-blown psychotic, sure, but it’s not sane. i did NOT come through the abuse with my sanity intact. maybe one day i will recover it, but i do not see the screaming voices in my head as being a part of ‘sanity’.
Hi Vague,
I can certainly understand how multiplicity can be crazy feeling. I’ve witnessed some pretty harrowing moments, of time, let me tell you! It does look / seem / feel crazy in a lot of ways, especially when rapid switching occurs, or when time distortion steps in, and all the confusion or flashbacks take over. There’s no doubt about how out-of-control things can feel sometimes.
The best news about all of that is that a lot of those issues / problems / concerns can be “fixed”. They don’t have to be constant or repeated or forever problems. It takes some effective work in therapy but seriously — do NOT let anyone tell you that these things cannot be adequately addressed, and helped, because they can.
No one should have to live with this kind of chaos in their own head. It’s not ok, and would be miserable. If you are truly at a loss about how to address those issues, seriously, let me know.
I wish you the best in your healing journey,
Kathy
Even though we have this uncanny ability to dissociate to other parts of ourselves, we are able to keep the human trait of empathy. The horrors that we survived are remembered in at least one of our parts. So we do not become psychopaths, who inflict the evil on others. That is why we are still able to connect with other people on very deep and intimate levels.
I wonder about the difference of being shut down emotionally and my male friend I met three years ago (we are both a young 70) has a rapid switch. I have worked through my own shut downs but find myself being intolerant and verbally abusive when he has rapid shifts. We lived together for two years and he is moving into his own apartment. We still plan to be a couple though it’s a two hour commute in traffic. I was so disappointed and hurt as his switching behaviors increased.
I can identify three distinct selves along with his routine self that keeps him stable.
Rapid switching and time distortions are unnerving to me especially when it’s the ugly adult who shows up. I get angry, loud, and aggressive. My own rage being emotionally damaging to both of us. Neither of us have children and he had never lived with a girlfriend. My husband who I adored passed seven years ago. It was a big step for me to even date again.
My hope is we can continue in our relationship as we love to travel and enjoy being together. It’s just difficult to understand him. He’s from the Philippines and grew up there in a large family. He isolated and his father was physically abussive to him and another brother but not with the other six siblings.
I’m from Seattle and had a pedophile step father. All a secret in those days. I had years of therapy and lots of education once I moved to California. With my own psyc and nursing background and many years a happy massage therapist working in a large resort spa I find human behavior fascinating. Being curious now about disassociation and various therapeutic answers for my friend and myelf with my own reactions and actions toward his splitting. Thank you for enlightening me on this subject. It gives me hope and a way to understand and interpret this complex personality.
Hi Lani,
It certainly is a minefield navigating any relationship but with DID in the mix … that is a tricky one. My husband is being treated for PTSD so we are both going through our issues (which always ripples out far and wide) at the same time. It is hard sometimes when we are both unstable at the same time. Makes for a lot of collisions, misunderstandings, reactions and some hurt feelings. And, given that we are so close (tomorrow is our 35th wedding anniversary), it is only natural that our stuff comes out even more because, in my case, I feel safe being myself … my full self … with him. That may be why your friend is switching so much ( i.e., his insiders feel a sense of safety to come out). A bit of a double-edged sword.
Just take it one day, one issue at a time. We are here to listen, and if we can, help.
ME+WE
05/13/2018
My daughter was diagnosed with DID, yet we cannot figure out why. She was never abused (to our knowledge) and I was a stay-at-home mom so she wasn’t out of my sight for prolonged periods of time. She has significant anxiety ( had it since she was very young and its hereditary)and that I the only thing that I can think of. Does anyone else have this issue?
Sandra,
Did you get any explanation to why this is her diagnoses ? You do not have to except a diagnosis . You can get second and third options. DID is hard to diagnose more often then not we get the wrong diagnosis before we’re told we have DID. It can mimic so many other things like borderline personality disorder. Which is different then Dissociation Identity disorder.
So please if you feel that she doesn’t have it pursue it . To make sure she gets the right type. Of help.
Hi Sandra,
I agree with what Lori has said here – a second (or third) opinion is always okay if the diagnosis does not feel right. In my opinion, it is always a good idea to ask the original professional how and why they came up with their diagnosis. Even though you cannot see it yourself, they must have felt that the markers were there for DID. Of course, they could be off base but their explanation (or lack of a credible explanation) will help you to determine this.
Remember that DID does not have to result from abuse. There can be other factors in a child’s life that caused them significant fear that could then lead to DID. I have spoken about my hospitalizations when I was 3 years old as the beginning of my splitting. It could be a natural disaster, serious car accident, loss of a loved one, etc. that was the factor that led to your daughter’s DID. It is certainly worth exploring.
Remember too that your daughter will no doubt not have access to these memories yet. The whole idea of DID is splitting to separate such memories from the host. So, there is always the potential that there was abuse there that you did not see for a whole bunch of reasons not the least of which is that predators are cunning. If you feel that the diagnosis of DID is correct, do not close the door on the possibility that something happened to your daughter that you were not aware of.
Finally, my husband complained to his therapist that he was just hot-wired for anxiety and worry. His therapist said that anxiety and worry are not a product of genetics – they are learned behaviours passed down from one generation to the next. He also said that anything like this that has been learned, can be unlearned. So, there may be hope there for the whole family!
Keep looking around at the articles here Sandra. There is a ton of very solid and understandable information about DID on the website. See if anything fits or how you might be able to help your daughter explore more about this diagnosis.
We are here to listen Sandra and, if we can, help from our experiences with DID.
ME+WE
11/16/18
Thanks, Kathy!
It’s affirming to read about positive traits of dissociative survivors and to reflect on how I might embody some of those traits myself.
With appreciation,
Ellie
20/7/2020
Just at the beginning of this???…The word ‘journey’ doesn’t sound right though. The many voices I am strongly pushing back are causing fear and confusion. I know they exist, its not like I don’t hear them or see proof of their existence. Right now I’m the strongest and loudest and I’m thinking the easiest way to move forward and stop being a burden on others, is not to live at all. They are all just too overwhelming to understand.
Gee!….Some of this good stuff must be in me somewhere?…..But why does it feel so scary that it might be?…..Why does the idea of it make me want to run?…..Is it that if I TRY to be like those good things I will fail and then it would be ANOTHER failure on my plate?…..Or is it the perspective that I CAN’T be those good things?….Or is it that I don’t WANT to be?…..Or that I am not supposed to be?…..So many layers….so many angles….so many rabbit trails that only lead to more confusion and panic….
“Maintaining the ability to love and connect…..” I have messed up on that one already – BIG TIME!….it scares me too bad…..can’t – or don’t know HOW to – do it…..feels WAY too vulnerable…..gotta pull out to stay away from Despair…..
WOW…we can’t even do DID right…..Sorry – it’s just been a REALLY rough few days…..LOST…
MissyMIng
10/02/20
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