Many trauma survivors with DID, especially those relatively new in the treatment process, often have difficulty accepting that there are “other people inside your head.”
The ideas of losing time (including big chunks of time), losing control of yourself and your mind or your body, having a limited awareness of what has happened in your life, sharing your life with a bunch of others of all different ages, and understanding that all this was caused by severe trauma, can all be difficult realities to grasp.
Inside parts. Dissociative alter personalities. Splits of you, from you, but very different from you.
The willingness to share your life with others can be difficult, especially if you haven’t realized that those others inside have been taking turns already. If this has been happening for years without your awareness, why do you need to know now?
So… if you don’t want them to be there, why are they there? And why is it so hard to accept that they are there?
When someone is experiencing severe trauma that is either physically painful and/or emotionally difficult to tolerate, the need to dissociate increases. If the person cannot escape with their feet, they can escape with their mind. If they cannot physically leave the situation, they can mentally leave the situation by floating away, floating up, or totally blacking out their awareness of such traumatic events.
The more frequently a person has to use their dissociative abilities to leave traumatic situations, the more rigid and firm those dissociative walls can become.
Pretty soon, those dissociative walls become impermeable – sturdy and solid — preventing any information or emotion from crossing through. Young children that need to be ok in the morning for school, and to look happy and cheerful in front of their parents, friends, and teachers, will not be able to do that if they are stressing about how badly they were hurt and injured during the night. The dissociative walls allow them to escape the pain of the trauma while it’s happening, but also to escape the memory and stress of it in the hours and days afterward.
When all too much trauma happens over and over again, young children learn to create other selves to be there instead of them. As these other selves are needed for more and more life events, their life experiences and subsequent personalities develop more and more.
The one child becomes two. Then three. Then four. And every time a particular traumatic situation occurs, the other child created in that kind of situation learns to show up for it. Once child one knows how to split like this, it becomes easier to do it again and again. The child parts themselves can learn how to create parts of their own if needed. For example, if the child doesn’t want to carry the anger about being abused (maybe they know they will get in very big trouble if they show anger), then they can give that emotion to a different part to carry and contain for them.
The dissociative walls between the different parts allow the “containers” to be totally separate from each other, and to not allow seepage, spillage, leakage of information from one person to another.
So as years go by, the child gets older, and becomes an adult… or, for some people, the original child self has stayed hidden and away from the world, and remains so tucked in that even the main adult parts are splits off from the “original child”. Through the years, numerous other splits have happened and there are many others inside.
How does the main adult part manage that? There are too many splits to know them all. There have been too many traumatic events to make sense of it all. There is too much pain, and horror, and distress, and shame, and guilt tucked away in all the different parts.
To accept each of those parts means to accept that they were specifically split off and created for a reason. It means, they have feelings or historical information that could be difficult to digest and hard to live with. It means that there is a whole lot more to the story. Any part that was given the job to “be the happy one” or “act like nothing is bothering you” or “function like you have no problems” will have a hard time connecting to all the parts that have been exposed to the trauma information and intense feelings.
Even as adults safe from ongoing trauma, those dissociative walls that were once created for protection and to maintain a great distance between the person and the “too much for me” piles will still be in place, even if they are not as necessary as they were in the middle of current trauma. However, it is also true, that as time passes and the amount of ongoing trauma decreases, those dissociative walls can begin to crumble and weaken and chip apart. It is not “natural” to have to be dissociative, so if there is no trauma forcing the dissociation to stay in place, those dissociative walls will begin to shrink. PTSD, emerging trauma memories and an increasing awareness of the others inside will begin to be more obvious.
However, that puts the dissociative person into an uncomfortable in-between place. They are not totally dissociating away the awareness of everything, but they do not yet have sufficient information to make a clear picture of what they are figuring out. It’s like having a 1000 piece puzzle, and while 250 of the pieces might be in place, it is very hard to figure out where to put the 251st piece. The picture is not clear. The individual pieces do not make sense. It is not obvious what anything is. It’s a very frustrating place, and at this point, it feels like too much of the news is bad news.
The dissociation that has been there for years already makes it hard to think differently. The dissociative walls kept tons of specific information away from the person’s awareness, and as long as the person remains partially dissociative, the new information will have that “not real” feeling to it. The traumatic information that is still too far on the other side of that dissociative wall will not yet feel “real”. The dissociative wall that helped you separate the trauma from yourself is still keeping the reality of that information separated from yourself.
The partial dissociation makes it not feel real.
The parts of you that are not dissociated from that information will not have any doubt about how “real” it is. They may not like it, but they have no doubts about knowing what happened.
But if there is a dissociative wall standing between you and the others inside, you could have trouble accepting their reality as yours.
The dissociation keeps reality separated from you.
That just means you are in the middle of the process.
If your dissociative wall is 100 bricks tall, and you have only knocked down 17 of them, the trauma and those other insiders are not going to feel totally real or connected to you. It will be considerably different once you have knocked down 53 bricks, and even more different when you have knocked down 79 bricks. When you have knocked down all 100 bricks, you’ll be totally connected with the experiences of the others inside. Their reality will be the same as yours, and vice versa. You will all know the whole story of what happened on the time line of your life.
Give yourself the time that it takes to address all that is on the other side of those dissociative walls. I can promise you, you won’t want to be flooded with ALL of that information at once. BUT, do know in your head, that it takes a lot of work to be emotionally and mentally connected with everything that you had to block off.
While you are partially dissociative, some things really won’t feel real. While you’ve done a portion of the work, you won’t know where everything fits in the whole picture.
The more you get to meet and to really know your inside people, the less you will be affected by the dissociative walls. The more real your relationships are with your insiders, the more real and connected you will be to all the pieces of your life.
As long as you put in effort to stay distant and separated from the others inside, you are working to maintain those dissociative walls.
Do you genuinely want to know what has happened in your life? That’s a much harder question to answer than you might think.
And yes, too much of the information dissociated away will be difficult, painful, or bad news. Who wants to purposefully block off or escape from good news? It’s just not necessary. But escaping from bad news can be necessary for survival, for sanity, for safety.
But keeping the dissociative walls means keeping the pain contained within yourself.
Lowering the dissociative walls means you can release the pain for everyone inside you, and give healing experiences to all that are there. Everyone will have a chance to experience the good stuff in life, and to be free from the captivity of severe trauma.
It’s not natural to have to dissociate to get through life. When you don’t have to dissociate anymore, then you have truly accepted your own reality, no matter what it is.
The truth will do.
I wish you the best in your healing journey.
Warmly,
Kathy
Copyright © 2008-2017 Kathy Broady MSW and Discussing Dissociation
This is good information.
EXCEPT
You really make it sound like the process of gaining more alters is a conscioous decision the child makes.
“Young children learn to create other selves to be there instead of them”
“Once child one knows how to split like this…”
“…can learn how to create parts of their own…”
“If the child doesn’t want to carry the anger…”
Someone who is a loved one trying to learn about systems, or a therapist trying to learn how to treat a system….they will see those words and think that the child intentionally created other part because they didn’t want to deal with something.
This is entirely misleading and inaccurate. The process of splitting is not something we “learn”, and it doesn’t happen just because we “don’t want” to deal with something.
It’s entirely subconscious. The brain itself unconsciously learns how to do these things when it is absolutely necessary, but the child does not. We did not choose to have alters, nor did we choose how many there are or what they are here for.
We really love your blog and we want to show it to our loved ones who don’t know anything about DID but want to learn. But statements like the ones you made above teaches them erroneous information that ultimately leads to less understanding and more tension. We love your blog and trust your knowledge and experience, but please choose your words more carefully, with the awareness that someone who knows nothing about DID will take what you say as a professional fact and will rather believe you over their loved one with DID who tells them they didn’t choose this or make it happen themselves.
Hi Mystic,
I sure do understand your concern that folks do not interpret this article as saying that our alters are just made up and consciously created by a child’s mind for no good reason other than wanting to create them. Hum … I did not say that well … I hope that you understand what I am trying to say here. But, that kind of is what I want to comment on here … we all read things a bit differently.
I did not read Kathy’s words as you did but I can see how you read them that way from your comment here. In the context of the entire article, the words made sense to me. I cannot put words in Kathy’s mouth and maybe she meant something different but, I have learned from my work with my psychologist that yes I did learn how to dissociate or maybe I should say that I learned that I had the power to dissociate. Then, that learned ability strengthened over time and became more readily available to me to use to escape the realities of the abuse. My mind learned to use dissociation as a means of escape where there was no other way. And, in a manner, that became my chosen means of escape, survival, way to cope. I kind of think of it as we need to add to the fight, flight, freeze … dissociation.
In my mind, at least, it does not negate the fact that I had no other choice but to find a creative way to protect myself. A child does not learn to dissociate if they are in a loving, nurturing environment. Learning this ability to dissociate was forced upon us by horrible abuse. The fracturing and dissociative walls that Kathy talks about here are built up because we were abused not because we wanted to split or dissociate.
I really do believe that this blog is an important resource for those of us with DID and for those who want to support us. I hear your concern that your loved ones understand the context of what Kathy has written here and throughout this website. They may read things very differently from you or me. Personally, that is why I feel that open communication with those support folks is so important so they can ask questions and clear up any confusion that may have about what they are learning about DID. Kathy’s website here is an excellent tool for us to use to open up that dialogue with our supporters. It is not the final word but a great starting point for us as we acknowledge that we have many similarities as multiples but are also very unique.
OMGosh … I reread this article thinking that I had been directed to take a look at my work regarding acceptance of my inside folks (and yes I do have work to do here) but then I saw your sweet comment to Caden Rosepetals. So, I scrolled down the comments section and saw some comments back and forth with an old friend Wren who used to be here and with whom I felt a close bond. She was one of the very first multiple folks that I ever spoke with and shared with. She left this place for her own reasons and I was heartbroken when she did.
You see, when I finally got up the courage to speak (after two years of just watching and reading), Wren was one of the folks who reached out to me and talked with me (shout out to you too Kennedy if you are still reading here). I cannot tell you how incredible that was for me. I was feeling so alone and lost in my diagnosis and here I felt that I belonged, was heard and understood in a deeply profound way that only another multiple can do (although Kathy comes pretty darn close so … ya know … maybe she is in denial …just saying … her insights are too on target for a singleton I am thinking … hahaha).
Anyway, off topic here but it was just such an important reminder to me about how essential it was to my work, my acceptance and my sanity to find others who understood what I was experiencing and feeling. I don’t think that most singletons really understand this. They live in a singleton world so they have no concept of what it is like to be multiple. Like Kathy says here, really, who wants to accept their insiders when you know that so much of that acceptance is going to have to be an acknowledgement of a lots of seriously painful stuff. It is not a TV/movie freak show or curiosity – it is a painful reality of how we were forced to live because we were subjected to abuse so severe that our young minds could not cope without being able to escape and hide behind dissociative walls.
Those walls served us well when we were children … we survived the brutalities inflicted upon us because of those walls. But, they do not serve us well as adults to have insiders, secrets, time, and emotions trapped behind those walls now. Accepting our insiders means that we have to accept the horrible things that happened. But, doing so, releases those secrets and recaptures the times of our lives and our emotional selves.
Okay … I was all over the place on this comment. Sorry about that!
ME+WE
07/20/21
We are grappling with this lately. Trying very hard to accept everyone even the big meanies as well as a few new kiddos that popped out the past few days. I think we are doing ok in it, i hope.
Hi Caden,
This is My/selves+Me (sorry for the name thing… )
Wow, we miss you guys. And we think about you often. We hope you are doing okay. Thank you for your support while we were on the forum.
Rosepetals+ (aka My/selves+Me)
7-20-21
Have to say that this article SO explains where I am at….what is happening to me….still scary – but making things a little less scary……the confusion and agony of being in the middle of the “puzzle” process makes me feel like I am losing my mind….but understanding what is happening helps me to breathe……
Kathy,
You speak of dissociative walls coming down or crumbling slowly over time but that is not how it happened for me. Many walls came down at once when my husband died, leaving me to feel like I was going crazy!! I was having memories and flashbacks that did not feel like mine even though they were of familiar places, and I was acting out in ways that made no sense. At times my body was so numb from the neck down that I could not drive. My arms felt like they belonged to someone else. When I walked it felt like I was borrowing someone else’s body.
I now call this period of time, “My Big Bang”, because that is what it felt like. I still often have times of numbness, when I can’t feel my body or parts of it. Now when I have new memories come through, I’m pretty sure it is because a new part is showing.
Omg I feel the same way now that my husband is deceased. My system feels a little out of control. He was a main in the outside world protector/ safety net … some days I feel like I can’t even keep from being found out. The once that Been look up are making them self’s Known , the Therapist I were talking
8/30/18
Hello Missy,
I know this was posted back in 2018, but I just read your post, and I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope you are okay. My husband is elderly and having health problems, so I can kind of understand, but not totally. I can’t even stand to think about losing him.
Thinking or you today…
Rosepetals+
7-20-21
I hope you get this.
Kathy and ME+WE,
I just read this article. Apparently again. I’m reading away and thinking, “Oh! Oh! This is the information I’ve been looking for!” I had even asked a question earlier today about looking for an article that would say something about if I am not the original.
So I’m reading along and reading all the responses and there is mine and there is ME+WE responding.
I guess re-visiting things is good. This is making more sense but in a different way.
Feels like progress. Making a little more sense feels like hope.
Feeling grateful,
Wren
1-7-2018
Hi Wren,
I think that I have read everything on this website yet when I come here it is like a new discovery every time. Bits and pieces sound familiar but then other stuff comes in new and fresh. It causes some panic sometimes because I do not like loosing time and frame of reference and memory … well, it reminds me of how fragile I am in the outside world. And, I know that I repeat myself in my comments. I often reread what I have written and have no or little memory of having written it.
Now, you made another posting that I read yesterday (I think) about folks assuming that they know what your feeling or telling you what to do or asking lots of question. I do hope that if I come off this way in any way that you ask me about it or call me on it (which you have on occasion) or say whatever I need to hear to properly respect you, your feelings and your space. Actually, I say this to everyone here. I can certainly misinterpret what folks mean in their postings or over-project my stuff in thinking that I understand (get triggered and slip into transference of my own stuff). And I certainly ask questions – a product of an overactive, inquisitive mind.
Of course I do not know exactly what you are all feeling and going through. Please know that I honour and respect your unique paths. My postings are merely intended to let you know that someone hears you, cares about what you have to say, has some similar experiences at times and always has great admiration, empathy and respect for the life journeys that you are on.
Hum … I am so very new at expressing my feelings that I feel very frightened and inadequate about doing so. Someone else expressed similar feeling in what I read yesterday (again, I cannot find that posting). I keep waiting for my turn to be whole and worthy of emotions/feelings and it never comes. Emotions were not just ignored when I was growing up they were actively punished. The holidays have really shaken me to the core in this regard. I am proud of myself that I stood my ground in some areas and then was total beaten down for having done so in other areas — the ripples from which I am still dealing with, and dealing with, and … It is like being beat up over and over again for standing up for myself. Indeed, right now I feel the impending death by a thousand blows and wonder if standing my ground, expressing my feelings and asking for what I need is worth it. And, it was such a small request but the punishment keeps coming.
I humbly ask for your understanding, patience and gentle touch as I navigate this new way of being dear friends. I so fear screwing up here and doubt myself over and over again each and every time I put something out here. Then, one of my insiders feels the need to punish me for having done so. But, this has been the one place that I have been able to express my true feelings and nature that I keep coming back despite the punishments. I am so profoundly thankful for this space and terrified of it all at the same time.
Humbly yours,
ME+WE
01/11/2018
Oh, heavens! ME+WE…I am not sure what post you read and I hope I did not make you feel badly.
Here is the thing. I trust your intentions. I can’t recall anything you’ve said that was not supportive. We don’t have to be perfect. We don’t have to say things perfectly or any of that. We get to be real.
And we get to trust one another’s positive intentions.
You are a gem and I treasure all your posts and comments and encouragements!
I am so sorry you are going through so much right now. I went through some horrid things in 2017 that made me wonder why I bothered to stand up. I was made to pay and pay and pay. I am still paying. Sigh. Not fun. I wish I could make things better for you. It’s rotten that we go through such stuff. Sometimes we just have to be real and speak our truth. I’m proud of you for being so brave.
You do not need to worry so about “screwing up” or being perfect. Not here, not with me. I encourage you to be IMPERFECT and make mistakes. Then you will get to see that I cherish you even with all the lumps, bumps and wrinkles. 🙂
Your friend,
Wren
1-11-2018
Hi Wren,
First of all, you have done NOTHING to make me feel bad. Quite the contrary. You have always shown me such kindness, support, care and understanding. I am so in awe of what you write here and so very thankful to have you as one of my friends, guides and muses here. I have been able to overcome my fears of posting in large part because of the support that you have shown me.
To be honest, I do not know what I was reading, if I was reading, who was reading, if anything that I said is based on reality, etc. In other words, the time, context and meaning of whatever I assume that I was reading here is lost to me now. I was obviously triggered by something – real or imaginary — into my old ways of being, fears of rejection and abandonment, terror for expressing feelings and not following the “rules” and the impending punishment that would come my way. I am not entirely sure who of my insiders was driving me to write what I did. I do know that I am feeling especially fragile and prone to triggering after the holidays. But, I know that I will work it out.
None-the-less, what I wrote did let my guard down and revealed another aspect of my being. I am a little shy about that and relieved at the same time. That in itself has been an important lesson for me. Thank you for the invitation to explore being “IMPERFECT” … wow … my experience has always been hyper vigilance to perfection for fear of punishment. In a way, I have already taken a step forward in that regard here and I am feeling a tiny glimmering of liberation for having done so.
As usual, thank you for kindly listening, for offering insight and understanding, and for responding in such a gentle and thoughtful way.
With an abundance of lumps, bumps and wrinkles, your friend on the journey to enlightenment and healing,
ME+WE
01/12/2018
we need that other girl who think she dont got DID to read this blog and talk to are T cuz she dont be around very much ever becuse she always hiding.
but mabye since she allways gone all the time she dont be importint no more? her havent been around since january 2008. we think her did be the 1st person born. but she dont no us. and she allways think she be dreming. but we be out here and we be real. rachel
ME+WE,
Thank you for yet another thoughtful post and for taking the time to share. I am glad you are commenting so much here. I like reading what you write and find it so helpful. It makes this place warmer and more welcoming and safe. I think it encourages others to post, too, and that’s a good thing.
Yup. My T loves ice cream. Her face lit up and she described different kinds that she likes. 🙂
You are right about the jigsaw puzzle and all the stories that need to be uncovered. One of my littles wrote in our journal a note that I shared with her. “If I break all the crans can you still hear me?” She said, “If you break all the crayons you could use your voice to talk to me. Hmmm? Maybe?”
It was such a gentle invitation.
Wow.
I have no words.
Maybe I’m not crazy.
Maybe I am just a constellation.
That would be okay, yes? Yes????
I am making ALL of this up. None of it is real. What the heck is the matter with me that I would make up all this stuff??
Maybe I am NOT making it up.
Maybe I am just trying to breathe underwater because I don’t know how to bear witness to my life yet. So many missing pieces and parts, so much lost time, photos I am in that I do NOT recall ever being those places or doing those things. I’m making it up not making it up, trapped in “this cannot be real” and why would I ever even think such things?
Brick upon brick upon brick. If I didn’t use them to build walls…what might I build? Can I build something lovely? Reduce! Reuse! Recycle! Perhaps a paved walkway through soft gardens…where moss and creeping thyme can grow between the bricks and fill the spaces with something fragrant and lovely…a walkway through quiet places where it’s easy to breathe because I’m not underwater…
I need a blanket fort and some ice cream.
Thank you for helping me to understand… even a little…
Hi Wren and All,
I have read your most recent comments Wren and am responding to all in this one posting so as not to overload the comments list. This has been a dreary, dark and rainy day where I am and I have found refuge here in this warm and welcoming space. I just so want to let others know that I hear them, hence my many responses. This space kept me alive and going on my journey these past three years and I so wish that I might be able to help others now that I am feeling a little more stable. Well, okay, that is my insecure self trying to make it okay for me to be commenting so much here.
I found it really hard to get my thinking/accepting around the fact that I have this whole big, elaborate inside world in my head. At one moment, I think I am crazy and making this all up (maybe even hoping that I am making it all up) and the next I feel that I can reach out and touch this other world. My insiders are real to me. My T keeps reminding me that it is all me. Intellectually I know that that is true, but my insiders all feel so very real and so separate from me. The chatter over which I have no control keeps reminding me that they are there and independent from me. For much of the time, it is like I am in the room next door. I can hear all of these conversations going on but I cannot make out exactly what is being said. Some of my insiders do talk to me a lot, others do not. Then, they tell me about all of the things that they have done. It is like I am living a life out front while all of these other lives and activities are going on in other parts of my mind. I do not know how that works!
When I started out on this journey of getting to know my insiders and what they knew about me and my life, I was in shock about what I was finding out. It is really hard to hear the stories let alone know that this is your life and that it has been lost to you all of these years. Then I started to realize just how much time and memory I had not been in possession of. When my T first asked me about loosing time, I quite innocently said that I did not think that I had lost any time during my life other than normal memory loss that everyone experiences. Then my insiders started telling me things and … oh my heavens … so many things started to make sense to me. As hard as some of things were to hear, it was liberating to finally know and understand big chunks of my life and way of being.
But, it is like this huge jigsaw puzzle that does not make sense, especially at first. You do not have any idea what the picture looks like, who holds what pieces, when they are going to give them to you, and if all of the folks that have pieces are playing with you. As you get a piece at a time, you try to fit it in place and often there is no place for it to go yet, or you put it somewhere that looks right only to find out later that that is not where it belongs, and on and on. Eventually, some of the picture starts to come together and look like something that you can truly see now … and what you are seeing is not a pretty picture.
Oh yes … we need to take our basket of safety nets into our blanket forts and eat some ice cream.
With sincere regard,
ME+WE
PS — wonder what the answer to your little one’s question will be Wren. I bet your T loves ice cream too!
The walls we speak of are getting taller and thicker all because of a specific therapist. We aren’t blaming that but traumatic experiences can lead to walls… Even in the present day! They aren’t coming down, they ate getting built up! Gesh! Kathy, we really need that follow up that we requested, like soon! Please!
All the Jill People —
I hear you, and I understand.
And I’ve written to you twice this week, but haven’t gotten a response back. Then I see your message here… so makes me think you didn’t get any of my messages in the first place. Will you check again?? Because I’m trying to reach you too!
Hold tight —
Kathy
I’m trying to get to grips with this, but the shame is so great. I hide so much from everyone, and see my body and hear a voice from my mouth. Im not even sure I exist. Am I just another one of my others? My therapist knows they are there, but I hate talking about them, I feel so stupid. Especially when another one appears. I am and I’m not. Deny and accept. Remember and forget. Everything and its opposite at the same time. How can this be?
This is incredibly helpful. I have read it three times today and will try to remember to read it whenever I doubt myself and my experiences. Thank you very much.
Hi Helen,
That’s good news. I hadn’t read that post in a long long time, so it was good to check back myself.
I’m really glad it’s helpful. That’s a good thing!
Keep working at your healing — it will get better.
Warmly,
Kathy
Thanks for the post. I was dissociated as a child and had 9 alters that I know of. I am reintegrated after several years of therapy but still allow those parts of me to speak through my poetry. 🙂
Reblogged this on Art by Rob Goldstein and commented:
Good info on how dissociative parts become distinct
today while we were swimming we were talking about this. about why some of us have big walls between us and some of us dont. some of us can talk to someone and have others have no idea that we did it or what we said. some of us can hear bits and pieces but like down a long tunnel. or some of us might be able to watch another talking and doing stuff but cant stop what theyre doing, we have lost friends because of this. and it gets us in trouble. and it makes like very complicated.
like one time my supposed best friend went to visit my family with me, and we went to bed that night sitting up talking. but then all of a sudden it was after 2 a.m. and I was out by a dying campfire sobbing and crying Im sorry, Im sorry, over and over again, and i had no idea why. the next morning my best friend said someone very mean who hated her had been out yelling at her around midnight and stomped out the front door.😕
her and our old therapist said we had a alter who they called “the ohio one” because he would call them from there and be so angry and hateful and call late at night. but we still dont know who it was. we have lost both of them because they couldnt stand us any more,
or like another friend, when we got diagnosed with DID, we told her, and she said she had already known for years because she had already spent a lot of time with Mae. 🧐🤨 like a couple years.
and recently we found out that the littler girls had an older friend in her 60s that they used to talk to on the phone , and they even met her at the airport once. we dont remember any of that!
even now,we do stuff like that. and we never know who talked to our therapist and who didnt. we are so frustrated.
Hi Jo,
I sure do hear and understand your frustration. Loosing time while loosing your mind (or so it feels like) is a horrible feeling full of so many fears, frustration, anger, sadness, etc. I hate it when my husband says “Victoria was out last night”. That means that we had a fight and I have no idea what it was about or what was said. Then there are those moments where you feel that your insiders have taken over and you see and hear things that you cannot believe are you … because they are not you … they are one of “them”.
That is why internal communication is so important so you can build inside/outside protocols and co-consciousness. I know … not easy to do. I am still working on this myself but I do feel increased cooperation with my insiders and that makes me feel more in control – well, maybe that should be less out of control.
ME+WE
Hi Kathy, I sent you an email at Info@abuseconsultants.com
invisiblepain
Hi Kathy,
It is just crystal clear sometimes.. Yesterday was one of those moments. I was at a forum yesterday, had a “revelation” then came here and found this only to realize I’d already found it. It is scary and eerie and yet relieving in a sense. This is all very new to me but not new at the same time. My life is In shambles and I don’t know how I got to this point without realizing it. ( well now I guess I know) Ive only had pieces of childhood memories and I’ve always known my childhood had involved some abuse but I did not know it had affected me this much, to this extent. Although when I look at all the memory pieces I have of my life now it is becoming clear. Not to be rude but I never knew any real information about DID, and well multiple personalities that’s just crazy. It is not and I am not like how they show in the movies or tv… But it is so hard to grasp and express and articulate about it personally that I’m not surprised it has been really mis represented in the media and through society. I mean most of the time I really don’t get it… Lately I’ve been having these moments of clarity like as if someone who knows me and has been watching me my whole life is explaining it all to me. Then the next moment CHAOS… Can’t even form a thought, sentence, or word out of my mouth. I could not explain to you about what I remember or don’t remember about the last year of my life. Right now it seems like remembering and not remembering are interchangeable with me. I do and don’t remember??? ….. Thank you for this blog.
-IP
IP –
You are very welcome — I’m glad you are finding this blog to be helpful for you.
You are right — multiplicity is very hard to grasp, and in so many ways, dissociation is completely mind-boggling, and yes, it is easy to understand why it is so complicated to explain it to anyone else, especially in the media. Maybe as a collective group, here at this blog, we can make a difference. It is really good to see how so many different survivors can describe their dissociativeness in one place (is that a word? lol) (I’ll pretend it is. 🙂 ) There is something really powerful about so many people coming together to explain such a complicated thing. I think we’re doing a good job too!
And IP, you are doing some really good healing work — keep at it — keep going. It sounds to me like you are on the right track. It will settle down for you as you get more things figured out.
Kathy
OMG!!!!!
– IP
IP — I’d like to understand what you’re thinking about …. care to say more?
Kathy
This is exactly where I’m at. One second everything is so clear and real and the next it all feels imagined. I feel as though a couple of the puzzle pieces are coming together and they fit so exactly…. But then I step back and I feel crazy. I must be making this stuff up….. but it’s beginning to flow. Maybe I have an overactive imagination??? I clearly see two sides to my situation right now. I am so glad that I have been writing everything down. When I go back and read everything that has been going on the evidence is undeniable that there are more of me. Yet it is still soooooooooo hard to grasp and believe. I am very embarrassed to think of other people knowing this side of me. How can something that makes so much sense be so hard to believe?? This blog has been indispensible for me lately…..
Invisiblepain
Please no worries. I just found out this, so I’m networking because it just doesn’t seem real.i thought because things in my past. I was in 14 foster homes many kids. I wonder how many times I split during those times.
Sorry I am also in denial. I know some things wrong and I dont anyone like me. I’m so confused on so much. So many times I am at a loss. What you said here I feel like I wrote this. Did I create a different username that knew I had it.
This makes no sense should I start over.
No I’ve spent to much time already
I think I am father behind you…more work to do.. I felt like I had the answers to everything. And sometimes I feel myself get better, I can do this awesome. Then feels like 6 months have past. I’m not sure what I planned on saying except for thank you for sharing. I hope we can talk again.
I don’t understand all this or why I’m supposedly this way or why I have so many problems. I think its just all my imagination.My family is all wonderful. Nothing bad ever happened to me. I don’t get it. Everyone says I have DID and it doesnt make sense
mk
from one trauma therapist to another: thank you! This is very clearly explained!
It’s nice to hear from another therapist. Thanks for the compliment!
Kathy
Wow this really helps explain so much. It helps to understand that facing whats inside can help what is now and presently become more real and experienced in this actual present.
It also takes such energy to try to keep these bricks in place so desperately. What a great metaphor. I will try to not so fear my dislodging bricks. perhaps allow myself to listen and not so driven to distract. Endlessly diverting my own resources…
Many Thanks
So much food for thought here…
Oh Kathy . . . . . . it all makes sense; it just does. And ditto ditto . . . thank you. I have said . . . for years and years . . I want my life back, I want my life back . . .and I have been being told it will happen, it will happen and it has been so hard to believe . . but with just a little anger in session a few weeks ago, something big did come . . a memory I did not have before of how I felt and what I sometimes wished . . . and it was very painful, and yet, you know who was right there to help and to explain and to un-guilt, so it is working. It is working:
Thank you Kathy. Thank you. Blessings, and to all: “Be not afraid.”
I don’t think it was all that easy for Him to say, even though He said it all the time. I think that He knew the Fear was the source of it all, and that He was a beautiful model for us; the weeping all the time, the taking Himself away from the crowds for self care, the agony in the Garden and the weeping there, feeling abandoned on that Cross, and then . . “It is finished” and Healing and Resurrection . . . I think that when we can enter the pain and know we will survive, and have the help of our Higher Power in it all, as did He, then healing keeps happening. I think it’s so interesting . . the Trinity . . fully human and fully Divine . . . He knew what it was to be split somehow, and He knew human pain for sure . . . so for what it’s worth to others . . .the only way I’ve been entering the pain and looking toward healing for years has been with the help of a Spirituality I can relate to. I go to that Cross . . and the suffering has been worth it . . . even though I still avoid it an awful lot because it hurts so much . . I am only human . but I know I can’t avoid it for long or it will have it’s own way with me . . .I will split and not by choice, and then the pain is so much greater and re-victimizing, so I keep “grieving” and finding “me” . . or other parts of “me”. . . . . so thank you once again Kathy. Thank you once again, and I just wanted to offer something of my journey in case it might help anyone. Blessings, me
I can ditto BTC.
You must have been thinking of me when you wrote this.
Thank you for the explanation and help.
😀 thank you Kathy.