Are you alone?
Oh, what a tough and painful topic this one is.
All too many dissociative survivors are alone. Alone with their pain. Alone with their memories. Alone within their system. Alone in relationships. Alone in a crowded room.
Far too many dissociative survivors feel painfully alone. Isolated. Alienated. Separated from others.
There are actually a few trauma survivors that genuinely prefer to be alone. I still ask — is this a result of their trauma? Would they have been such loners if they had not been so very deeply abused by so many different people? I suppose it’s hard to say. It’s not like they can undo the reality of what happened, so how can they take away the effects of the trauma to know what their personality would have been like otherwise? I still wonder. I have to believe it’s very likely that a great deal of their need for aloneness is a direct effect of severe trauma.
All too often, the being alone isn’t preferable, it’s just how it is. It’s hard not to feel alone if no one else understands what you are going through. Of course survivors are going to feel alone if they are carrying the burden – the knowledge and pain – of their abuse on their own. It’s hard to fathom that other people went through similar enough tortures. Is it possible that anyone else could really understand?
For many, it is just safer to be alone. If there’s no one there, there is no one there to cause the hurt, abuse, torment, torture…
And yet, for many, the actual experience of the abuse happened when they were purposefully separated away from their loved ones. The aloneness was part of the trauma experience itself. And the abusers controlled and insisted on this kind of aloneness staying in place so the abuse could continue undetected and uninterrupted. The parent that cared for them didn’t know and couldn’t be told because the abusers threatened to harm them if they ever found out. Or the siblings would be off playing in a different room, and they would be next if you didn’t cooperate.
Most abuser / perpetrators demand that their victims remain isolated and separate from all other people who could provide support and help. For example, no-talk rules and deprivation traumas are intended to keep survivors separated from others. Current-day isolation and alienation make survivors more vulnerable for ongoing abuse as well.
Alone back then.
And that carries over into being alone now.
Are you alone due to…
Your level of unrelenting emotional pain?
Your horrifying shame and overwhelming guilt feelings about the types of abuses you’ve experienced?
The fear that other people would hate you if they really knew what had happened in your life?
The utter embarrassment of being related to family members so deeply ingrained in dysfunction or organized crime and sexual perpetration?
The self-hatred you feel after being forced to actively participate in degrading and humiliating abuse situations?
The years and years of secrets that have created immense emotional walls in all your potential relationships?
The purposeful emotional separation from others in your family that could have (or still might) genuinely care for you?
The dissociative separation from others in your internal system?
Your denial – which separates you from your own self and your own history and your own system?
Not knowing anyone in your local neighborhood who has also suffered from severe trauma and abuse?
And do you have to stay this alone?
There is good news. You really do not have to stay as alone as you have been in the past.
Working on that sense of isolation is important in your healing process. It is also important for your safety.
The less alone you are, the less susceptible you are getting your needs met in dangerous ways, with dangerous people. Survivors that are isolated with their pain are particularly vulnerable to predators of all kinds.
What can you do?
- Continue to read and participate online. In the current day, there are hundreds of web sites and blogs created by or for dissociative trauma survivors. You can know you are not alone because others are speaking out and telling their stories.
- Join safe online support forums. While there are many good forums, I recommend that you be very careful in which online group you join. Be absolutely sure the forum you join is safe and/or that you are able to be safety-minded for your system. Go in knowing that some forum members may not be who they say they are.
- Participate actively in getting to know your internal system – let your own insiders become a sense of social support for you. Your own system can keep you very busy as you spend time with them.
- Join a local support group led by a competent therapist.
- Get deeply involved with your therapy and your healing process. The more you connect to yourself, the more you will be able to connect with others.
- Address your emotional pain, find healing for your shame, etc. The more healing you have, the less you will have to hide from other people.
- Challenge yourself on a regular basis to get more involved socially, even if that is very difficult for you. Explore your fears about it, and problem-solve with creative solutions for how to not let those fears keep you stuck in isolation.
- Join safe but fun social activities that have nothing to do with trauma topics – ie: exercise classes, yoga classes, needlepoint / stitching groups, softball leagues, bowling leagues, group music lessons, scrapbooking groups, etc.
- Start gradually, but slowly talk with your friends, your family members, your pastor, your AA sponsor, your real-life support people. Don’t overwhelm them with too much personal information at once, but bit by bit, begin to share more about who you are and what you’ve overcome in your life. Your story is worth telling!
- Write supportive comments to other survivors. The more you support others, the more kindness you will receive in return. You might have to be a friend in order to make a friend, so as you reach out to support other survivors, you can begin building that bond. Too many survivors look to others to support them without offering the same in return. Try turning that around and be a friendly source of support for others. They’ll remember that.
- If it is too frightening or frustrating to think of connecting with people at this point in time, start with getting a pet of your very own. Dogs, cats, bunnies, gerbils, even fish can be another source of life in your home and can make you feel less alone. Your pets will love the attention and interaction you give them, and as you build a bond with them, you will enjoy their companionship as well.
What are you going to do to overcome your feelings of alienation and separation?
How will you resolve your struggles of being alone?
I wish you the best in your healing journey.
Copyright © 2008-2018 Kathy Broady MSW and Discussing Dissociation
we are alone except for Duffy bear and our kitty. we have no contact with our abusive family, a boundary choice we had to make for our safety and wellbeing. we have like maybe a handful of real life friends.
we often wonder who would really miss us or even notice if we were gone. we have ONE friend who actually contacts us, nobody else ever does, its always us who has to initiate contact.
strange to say how horribly lonely we so often feel when we have like twenty insiders?! something is wrong with this picture.
since as long as we can remember we felt so very different, separate, from those around us, and honestly, that hasn’t changed much since then.
our dreams, our nightmares, often feature isolation, aloneness, separateness, in one way or another. we have dreams in which we are lost and nobody seems to see us, or we are in empty deserted places alone.
we suffer from agoraphobia so venturing out into a scary world is a challenge. we often feel either invisible or worse, like everyone is watching our every move.
we are truly haunted by our past, a day doesn’t go by when we aren’t triggered into a trauma response by something, a sound, a song, a raised voice…
here’s the strange thing, being alone can bring comfort. after all it’s what we know, it’s at least familiar. does that make sense?
would death bring and end to this suffering? all too often we go to bed, secretly wishing we will never wake up. we have been doing this since we were maybe six years old.
how many people even understand what being alone with themselves really truly means? it means being alone with horrific memories of years of abuse, rape, neglect, familial cruelty. it means having to wake every day knowing we will have to face flashbacks, somatic memory attacks, nightmares, cyclical memory flashes, switches into littlespace where we are without adult tools to cope.
we desperately desire comfort from a living person, we want someone to hold us in their arms and tell us everything will be ok, that they love us, but that isn’t going to happen.
sometimes all we can do is hold Duffy bear and cry. we hide under the covers, away from the fears, the terror.
of the nearly twenty of us only two or three are really what you might call adults. the rest of us are littles or no older than fourteen. we are, however, expected to be and act BIG though, even when we’re not, which is most of the time. its terribly exhausting and frustrating. just one more reason to feel alone.
we are tired of this, tired of having to pretend to be someone, something we’re not. tired of the isolation, feeling like nobody really understands us. tired of feeling like nobody cares.
without Duffy bear, without our therapist, without our kitty, we would be totally lost.
Simone – you paint with words a picture of the agony of being alone – in all the ways it possibly can look like – and all that it contains and does NOT contain….”tired of pretending to be someone, something we’re not” is indeed exhausting when all that we really are does not “fit” anywhere in an Outside world…so many people don’t want to – choose not to – see….and it is a gut-wrenching thing to experience – to walk in….Our heart goes out to you – glad that you have Duffy bear, T, and kitty……and us here, too…..
You are welcome to pour your heart out anytime….we hear you….
“….”tired of pretending to be someone, something we’re not” is indeed exhausting when all that we really are does not “fit” anywhere in an Outside world…so many people don’t want to – choose not to – see….and it is a gut-wrenching thing to experience – to walk in…”
you put it so well, really describe the experience of being multiple in a world which does not understand or really accept it. thank you for your kind words of understanding, it truly means a lot.
it’s a unique life, bu one we are used to we suppose. it is and has been both comforting and gratifying to find a place where we can share our experience.
Hi Simone…. “a unique life, but one we are used to we suppose”….. Every time I think I have gotten – or SHOULD be – used to it….I find I am at square one all over again…..It still hurts – no matter how much time has gone by…. NOT being “understood” still hurts no matter how long we have been on the journey…..
Yup! We are glad, too, that we have here and the forum….a place to go where an Inside World IS understood and we find we are NOT alone…..
Hope you have a GOOD day!
M&M sort for MeanMan says
I’m still here. I have had a hard few days . Thank you for asking.
I am trying real hard to believe in what my support team Is telling me. I’m so exhausted from the fight to do what’s right.
There was a consult with Kathy Brody today. With her reassuring words. I might get some needed rest. Although it Is 11pm where I’m at; And I’m still awake I’m have been trying to go to sleep since 8 PM.
Good to hear from you, MeanMan! We are glad you are doing better, and glad that you got to meet with Kathy! Being sleep deprived is NOT fun – we are THERE a lot! We hope things start settling down for you…..Keep in touch!
We are alone. But that is totally our fault.
Alone waiting for the Aliens to bring be home
Home is we’re we need to go
Many years ago that is what was told
The days have come
So sadly I must go home
And leave the rest of you here alone
I do not want to go!
If I do not go this time, I am only postponing it.
You see I have been told. 20year on the 20th day at the 20th hour.
I have been begging to stay.
Doing everything I m told .
It seems like none of that maters.
People tell me it’s the programming and it will not happen . That I can stay and fight back .
Sometime you only have so much fight. When your a 15 years boy. I m tired I’m not strong anymore. So if they want me let them
Take me. Most hear on earth will not miss me . If the entire body gets taken that will be a different story.
Meanman, we hope you are doing better….we don’t know your story or what you have been through…but we have had alien dreams…they are scary….we are still too scared to go into a building where we dreamed one was there….scary….we hope you are ok now…..
I dp feel alone in the fact thier arent many survivors nearby the ones I were around ended up very unhealthy I now am on a online group support anything in the community I refuse to go to therapy groups in person inpatient I won’t talk I have to many times where I’ve been told to shut up because my abuse is to horrendous ive come to the point now due to anxiety i love love love being alone for long periods then ill go out and socialize for an hour or two but afterwards or leaves me exhausted from the constant anxiety being around people being in public has on me i go on line for therapy to is been to many years im tired and ive learned to love being alone
I do think you need to be careful around other survivors. I’m sure we could be trigger for each other. So you would need to choose carefully. I also feel that’s true with none survivors friends
And if after doing all this social stuff after 9yrs still hasn’t worked….then what?
I have lots of people in my outside and inside world. Sometimes even with all of them I still feeel very alone. Alone with my negative thoughts and emotions. Alone with how this body works. How different the mind body and soul is. Being here on this blog helps. It helps me not to feel so alone. With all of it.
Dee yes it would be nice to meet and hang with another DID person. To have a adult body with a child mine or even a different gender. To laugh with when you order food and when it comes you blurted our I didn’t order this. When things like that happen now . Or . hello that the mans bathroom iwhere are you going. I’m known a a jokester. I will say when trying to protect my identities. I have become a very quick on my feet and in my brain. How I long to be us. We had that with our husband. But now he’s gone we are back to being on guard once again 24/7
people think we shouldnt be lonley becuse we have so many inside people.😒
even caden think that some times.
that we should just always have each other and thats enough.
but all we ever had is inside people. not outside poeple.
i wish so much we had outside people around.💔
we need outside people to talk to.
having inside people isnt even close to having a real friend or some one to be around when you need them or a therapist to talk to.
i wish it did be but it dont even be close.
Just thinking about the idea of being alone – having DID sure can feel like solitary confinement. Some thoughts (hum … maybe more like reminders):
We do not have to be alone with our DID diagnosis – we have a great community of kindred spirits here on the DD website.
We do not have to be alone with our questions – there is gobs of information on the DD website.
We do not have to be alone with our confusion about what is happening to us – we have Kathy, Lora, Claire and our friends here to help unpack the confusion.
We do not have to be alone in our everyday lives – we have a host of insiders that we can talk to, get to know better and do activities with. We can engage in creative, fun, soothing, quiet and healing activities on the inside for everyone including the hosts.
We do not have to let our insiders be alone – we can encouraged them to introduce themselves to us (the host) and to each other if they do not know others inside. And, if conditions are super-safe, let them introduce themselves to outsiders.
Bottom line – we are NOT alone.
i have been feeling very alone. the past few months have been very discouraging.sometimes, i am ready to give up on all these inside kids. Im so exhausted of trying to handle everything and trying to be perfect both at home and at school and having the pressure of handling all the inside kids. i want to give up. i need these intense headahces to stop. i dont want to be the outside person any more.
I hear your turmoil, exhaustion and sense of helplessness. You are dealing with a lot of turmoil it seems and that is never a good place to be in. Not surprising that you have intense headaches – you are juggling a whole lot of stuff in there right now. Time for some deep breathes, a little self-compassion (i.e., you do not have to be “perfect”) and a break for you.
I am thinking that maybe there is someone in your inside system that can act as internal nanny or an older one who can babysit for a bit to give you a break away from your inside kids. I have one little one who talks with me continually and I have negotiated “quiet times” with her where she goes silent (I reward her with fun activities of her choice). I also have a couple of insiders that I can call upon to take over and look after the inside kids while I take a break. Maybe send them on a vacation with a trusted insider. We all need down time even when our kids are in our heads.
As I have said before, my T has encouraged me to put things away (I visualize this as shelves with shoe boxes of stuff in them) and just open them up with her. Now, this is not entirely without problems but most times it does take some of the pressure off to know that I do not have to deal with it all at once or in between sessions. One of my perpetrators got put in a big chest and covered with sand for a long as I dealt with other things. Just anything that will give you a break.
You are not alone Caden. You have your community here who are always willing to listen and support you.
I gave my little ones a carousel to play on. I find that if i give them things to do on the inside it helps. Also sometimes I have to send them to their room it like a time out.
Oh my Lori … you just activated a new internal project for my folks. Seems like we are now getting an inside carousel with pink, yellow and blue horses. I think that an all-you-can-eat ice cream buffet bar might be next!!! Hahahahaha
Most of my folks live on a beach although I do have a safe place for the little girls that is inside my house (their sunshine tent to go to when things are triggery). They have a lot of activities on the beach, toys, an “enchanted forest” to explore and a reflecting pool with healing waters. One of my boy insiders builds big sand castles for them to play in and the older boy takes the little ones on adventures or swimming or just plays with them. There is also an old woman internal helper who holds the baby, gives hugs when needed to the others and generally just sits with them to offer stability. Oh, and there are two horses there as well. One who lives with them and one who is a spirit horse. I was meditating each morning and visiting them all on the beach but got out of the practice. But, have just reinstituted that routine and it is going amazingly well.
I would love to hear what other folks have done with their internal landscapes and how they help their internal kids.
Try a talking stick. It was suggested to me by my therapist . It get passed around . The person holding it get to talk. 5/30/18
Ohhhh, I would LOVE to hear more too. I can never figure out if the parts on the internal landscape are on the “inside” .. duh .. or on the “outside” …
I’m so sorry you are going through such a lonely time. Sometimes it is hard to know what to share with others, how much to share. Our stories are really hard to hear.
My family would say it is demons also. There is a lot of spiritual abuse in my family as well as all the other abuse types you can imagine.
It can make interacting with people really difficult. IRL I have extreme social anxiety. I can do pretty well on the net. I can do pretty well at work. If the environment is structured I can do okay. But face to face with no structure around it (for example a work project or going to a garden center) and I can get so anxious that I throw up. This year I did something social with a couple women I know…lunch and a walk. It was the first social thing I had done in years. Scared the crud out of me.
I don’t know what the answer is. Connecting here has been so helpful. There is a spot on the front page called “Our Normal Complicated Selves.” Come there and connect with us. It’s a fairly busy place these days! You are welcome there.
Suggestions to meet people…hmmmm…..do you have any hobbies where you could connect with people? I love to garden and have connected with some gardening groups. Is there a craft you would like to learn? Maybe take a scrapbooking class or photography class? Maybe a yoga class? What sorts of things do you like to do?
I cannot share with any of my family or friends that I have DID. The majority of my family and friends believe it is demons.
I have friends within a Brain Injury group and told one person. She became too overwhelmed – she believed me but can’t cope with it. The other brain injured friends (all highly functional) have indicated they do not want to discuss DID with me.
That leaves me completely alone from the outside. Does anyone have suggestions about how to meet people and eventually have them comfortable with DID?
I am married and my husband isn’t comfortable with DID in general. It sucks. He says I use my “disorder” to make excuses for bad behavior. He won’t attend therapy with me to learn more about DID and he won’t attend couples counseling even though we are struggling in our marriage. He says my angry part just does damage like a tornado and this weekend it’s Thanksgiving and I had a blowup with an unruly child’s mother who wouldn’t make her child apologize for rudeness. My husband took their side instead of mine. My husband says he isn’t sure he loves me because he can’t help me anymore. He will be married to me in name, but not much else. My weekend really sucked and I am hurt and felt picked on by even my own family this weekend. My husband got really sick and had an ER visit and my hostess refused to cook or take care of things so I had to. My angry part came out b/c I fixed a nice meal and the child’s response was “what did you do to the mashed potatoes” in response to a casserole I fixed. She was very snide in her comment and I told her she should apologize for her rudeness and so I was asked to leave their home. Anyone else have a bad holiday? Stress triggers my parts, and this weekend was no exception. Sometimes I wonder if I should just stay away from people.
Oh my heavens that sounds like a nightmare DK. How incredible that you survived it all as well as you did. I am so sorry that you had to go through this. It is so frustrating and painful not being seen or heard. If ever you are in doubt of your strength and resiliency you sure proved it this past weekend. My heart goes out to you.
You know that you are not alone hereDK. We hear you. We believe you. And we Support you.
Hum … I think that this may be a good topic for our other space preparing for the Christmas holiday. I know that Kathy has written some posts on this. I will look them up and get folks pointed in the helpful direction.
Hang in the DK.
With warm regards,
Thanks Me+We. It was a tough weekend. I had a tough time last night with *trigger warning suicidal thoughts but I didn’t take the pills but opened the bottles. Then my regular therapist canceled b/c she was sick. I saw someone else who chastised me for being too “dependent” on my therapist. I explained she is main support right now. So we may get fired from this mental health facility as the angry one blew up at her and told her she didn’t know me at all, and has no right to judge how often I go to sessions, or how “bad” my illness is., and how inept the facility in general is to deal with “seriously” ill people. So I am really frustrated and wouldn’t be surprised if I get kicked out. So everyone is mad at us right now. Thanks for your support. This site is breath of fresh air.
Oh gosh DK you are really going through a rough spot. I do hope that you can find some peace and safety so you do not do yourself any harm. We certainly are here to help in any way that we can. Please keep reaching out to all of your helpers and local crisis hot lines if you need to. You got through the bad place and survived. You are a survivor. So many times you have been a survivor.
Hum , not sure what the heck that therapist was thinking chastising you like that. Not surprising your angry one came out. Try not to focus on that and just wait until you get to see your regular T. Do not make any assumptions based on this encounter. Your regular T is one that you need to sort this out with.
Sending you positive thoughts and energy.
How are you doing this evening, DK?
What a sad time. I’m so sorry you had a troubled holiday and that things look so difficult for you. I’m glad that you are here with us, DK.
I would love to be able to read such articles. I dread the holidays. Not just “dread” but “DREAD.”
You have really hit on an issue that so many of us can relate to as you see from DK and Wren’s response. Living with DID can be so very lonely and confusing. That is why this space that Kathy has created has been such a critical lifeline for me. I know that I am getting solid information here and that I do not have to explain myself — everyone understands. Wren has indicated the space where we are just talking about all kinds of things and I encourage you to come there as well as reading all of the material that Kathy has posted. Kathy’s posts will help you sort out what is happening with you. The comments space is where you can get support from other DID folks. You are not alone here.
My family has no idea about my DID diagnosis. That makes being with them quite difficult at times. My mother is elderly and I do not feel that it would be helpful to upset her. And, her failings …. well … I do not want to be the cause of harm. So I am silent with them all.
I have only told about dozen folks about my DID. The reactions have been mixed. I find that most of the folks that I have told really do not want to know anything about it. I try to be honest about my insiders but then that glazed and terrified look comes over their faces and I shut up. I do not have really close friends in terms of people that I would reveal my heart to. This past year through meditation classes I have made some new friends that are okay with my DID and actually ask me questions about it. I like that actually because it shows that they are not afraid and I always learn something myself in answering their questions. But, I am super cautious about who I tell and who I talk to about it.
Hum … This is not very helpful in practical terms. I think that Wren had a good idea about following through on hobbies or things that you like to do to meet new people. Take it slow and do not be quick to reveal your DID because I find most folks are not comfortable with this information. Maybe look to see if there are support groups of any kind in your area where folks tend to be more open to such things. Just try getting out and involved as you and do not worry about your DID being a part of the picture. If a freindshipmcomes along that is safe and you want to reveal then go for it. In the meantime, you have all of us here to listen, talk and support you.
I look forward to more discussions in the future lonelymultiple. You certainly have friends here!
Loneliness is a real issue for those of us with DID. I so understand how you feel. I haven’t told anyone about my DID diagnosis, including my husband. I talk a lot about dissociation, and he is very supportive of therapy and sees improvements, but I have never actually talked with him about DID. He has always responded very naturally, and compassionately to my parts and just accepted them as part of who I am.
But sometimes it is very lonely walking the DID journey alone. I was talking with my therapist about feelings of loneliness, and she said something that really struck home. She said, in a very caring and compassionate voice, ” Maybe it is part of your journey here on earth.”
And there was an immediate release inside. It was an understanding that abuse happens in isolation, that DID, by design, is isolating for insiders and the host. As I have come to get to know more about my alters and life history, I have carried a lot of shame, which is isolating. When I looked at isolation and loneliness, from that perspective, I realized that loneliness truly is part of the journey for those of us with DID.
Things I do to help with loneliness and isolation: I have a cat that I love and he follows me around, inside and out, like a dog. He helps with loneliness. I have invested more in my relationships with my kids and husband. I savor my time with them, most of the time. I make a point to try to be present and grounded with them. To both practice my grounding skills, and to truly feel connected to them, to be able to remember my time with them. I have sought out good online forums to connect with others with DID. This is a great one. I like running, so I have started running some races in the local community – which makes me feel part of something and not so alone. And gives me something to look forward to. It is a fairly solitary activity, done in a group setting, so it works for me. I’ve gotten really into collage, which all of my parts enjoy, so it helps me feel connected, internally, which helps. I have one friend that I call, and if I really need to hear someone’s voice, I’ll call her and ask about her kids. She can talk for hours about them! 🙂 I like to hear her stories, she is fun and animated, and makes me laugh so that also helps.
But the biggest help, by far, was accepting that loneliness is part of our DID journey. By accepting those feelings of loneliness and isolation, I stopped pushing against and fighting my life history and diagnosis and dissociation and feelings of isolation, and hating myself and my life because of it.
Now, most of the time, I can compassionately respond to those feelings, by asking inside what would make me feel best in that moment. Sometimes, it’s a good cry and then a walk through the woods, or a trip to get some ice cream.
You aren’t alone in your loneliness. We are with you. It truly is part of being DID and our journey. Be extra kind to yourself when you are feeling lonely. And develop a plan for the future to help comfort you when those feelings come up.
What a heartfelt and touching response Neo. Loneliness really is a hallmark of DID. I really had not looked at it the profound way that you have expressed it here. And, I have being looking at my DID more as a special gift that I have been given. I may not wish for the reasons that I have DID in the fist place but I cannot help but think that I have been set on a path that is different and special for a reason.
Oh, I took a long time before I told my husband about my DID diagnosis. He accepts my insiders and will interact very lovingly with them but I know that he prefers not to have to. My history is also something that is very painful for him to hear. So, I tell him what he needs to know and I spare him the details. I also try not to be as switched out and dissociated as I can around him or hide it at the very least.
Thank you for sharing Neo! Your comments really spoke to me.
What a caring and beautiful response. I’m just sitting here with my morning coffee and just soaking it up. You have sure come a ways in your journey, to be so thoughtful and aware. Thank you for shining a light on loneliness for us.
The struggle with loneliness is real. I’m so glad I have found this place.
I had an odd experience the other day. I felt compassion for a singleton because in her struggle, she is alone inside.
The irony, of being alone when we are literally multiple people sharing a body. hahahaha. Great read, i liked the video too.
Alone is safer,but terrible.i dont mind being alone some, because i need time to myself. But for 99% of the Pilgrims, being alone is torturous and very triggering; I think because of how they knew they were so utterly alone when being hurt, and it terrified them to know that no one else knew what was happening to them.
I ALLWAYS BE ALLONE CUZ I DISERVE IT
I cant get it out
I CANT GET IT OUT
ITS ALL STUCK INSIDE ME 🙁 nothing i do gets it out
I cant make it stop
The werser thngs get the alloner i get
I have always been alone, and keep getting more alone. Sometimes it feels like i cant get any lonleier than i already am, but then it gets worse, i dont know how much more i can take. I feel like im on another planet, screaming, and no one can hear me. But no one is listening so i dont know why i try to yell.jodie
We dobe relly allone
We dont got no rel frends
We dont go no one to talk to
Not about rel stuff
We do got to find a frend
Are skin feel hungre for hugs
It be like are skin be starving
Cuz no one hug us no more
Do that make sents?
i am alone for all those reasons.
i dont know how to resolve the troubles of being alone. i just try to tell myself it is okay and no big deal. i feel alone even in a crowd of people and with my family.
think i’ve said enough for now.
Kathy Broady says
A message from Gretchen Paules:
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Let Go, Let Peace Come In Foundation
111 Presidential Blvd., Suite 212
Bala Cynwyd, PA 19004
I was having a thot.
I think for lots, its like our T is the only one that knows bout our stuff.
That often the T is the only one that knows bout the ‘others’ inside.
That often ya, like you said, we cannot let anyone ‘see’ us.
So for the ‘others’ its a big deal that T know they there. BIG deal.
So I was wondering, maybe you could do a post bout when T’s go on vacation and how disrupting it is for clients.
Cuz the opinions are strong and so varied.
There’s fear , sad, anger, nothingness, happiness.
And it comes from diff parts w/differing intensitiesand illogic.
Seems after a time things settle, but at first its hard.
Maybe there’s some ideas to make it easier when T goes away?
Mines going for 3 wks, cept I won’t go to last session cuz I afraid it will make things worser. So 4 wks.(so not see T 5 wks)
I think it will be a nice break from T.
Hmmm, but others not think that :(.
I hope I don’t somehow freak out or something 🙁
Been a long time since I ever been in hosp and it’d FREAK my IRL kids.
Don’t wanna do that.
So ya, a post bout T being away and how to make it OK.
This is so true for us! Our T is the only one who knows. We weren’t believed before & told to shut up. Took that to heart, I think. Also spent all our lives trying to look & act ‘normal’. Keeping people from seeing us. Recently panicked because someone commented they didn’t know we were left handed. Most of us aren’t! Time to move, get new friends, never play cards with those people again, beat ourselves up because we slipped up!!!!!! So would like to hear more on this topic. Also how to deal with the point in recovery when alters start showing themselves.
your words poked a very sore place in me, kathy. in the last year i became more alone than ever. i dropped recovery group and church with my husband – both happened at the same church. i was feeling so pressured to perform and i got sick of it. when i stopped leading groups and being on the first pew with my music leader(non-believer in DID) husband, they stopped seeing and speaking to me – even before i physically left, i became an invisible around there.
growing up my happiest memories are of reading books alone in my room.
it is very painful commenting on this because aloneness is both my refuge and my prison. my splitness means that my social parts are dying of boredom and isolation and my loners are still happy there is no one here much of the time and annoyed when the phone rings. aaarrrrgggghhhhh!!!
i have some physical problems so i do not work. i do not go to any groups. i live on my computer and through my contact with my adult children. my spouse i tolerate though i wish to love him and not fear him. i am mad at myself because i “feel like a loser”. it hurts so badly these words just can’t convey it.
i wish i had someone to help me find my way back out of my home and into the world beyond, but i feel like a wind-up toy bumping into the corner. some times i worry it is killing me to be here alone growing older and older like my mom did. so, i just keep going to counseling and reading and posting.
bottom line: overwhelming pain and fear is keeping me isolated.
i know what dragonheart means. it hurts to have to make all the first moves. the only people who ever called me before i dropped out were people in pain who wanted me to encourage them. no one called me for me.
Kathy Broady says
Thanks for your post and for sharing so much of your heart. I’m sorry to hear that you are hurting so much, and it’s very sad to hear that your hubby doesn’t believe in DID (mmmm… I think maybe you told me that before?). but it is sinking in more today. That really would be hard, and it gives you and your system such a negative message about whether it’s ok for them to be around and involved in life. (I’m sure they are “out” more than anyone else realizes tho, and good for them!)
You are a perfect example of why online therapy can be beneficial and helpful. I’m glad to hear that you are reaching out online, and finding support, and people that understand what it’s like to be a multiple. There are bunches of options for online therapies — keep expanding your resources in that way. You’ve got more helpful resources available for you than you might realize.
I will encourage you too — work hard to make the most of your time at home by developing connections and relationships with your insiders. There are bunches of additional things you can do with your insiders that will be both meaningful and healing. Your insiders can become really good friends for you. It’s really a rewarding, beautiful thing when that happens….
Are you alone due to…Your level of unrelenting emotional pain?
Yes. That’s my quick answer to a hard topic. But it’s goes deeper than that. What is beeing alone? Am I alone when I can have birthday party and 46 people turning up? Am I alone when I allways have someone I can call if I want to talk to someone? Am I alone if I have people at my church I can interact with every Sunday? A quick answer to that one is No! But still, I do think I am alone. Because in the context that I define friendship thru, friendship is a two-way interaction. It’s true that I am not alone when 46 people comes to my party, but they just came because I asked them to come. I have no friends that asks if they can come over to my place nor do they ask if I want to come over and visit them. It’s true that I’m not alone when I can call someone if I need to talk to someone, but I do not have anyone just calling me to say hi. It’s true I’m not alone in church because I can allways find people to talk to, but there are no one that come to my table and just talk to me. All my friendship-relations depend on me and my ability to take the first step. Is that really friendship? Am I alone or not?
I feel alone inside and I think it’s because I’m so full of abuse stuff and feelings that are still hurting. I often choose to be alone, because it’s easier. I’m feel very poor in social situations, people tells me I’m talented and very social. But I feel so overwhelm around people. I really can’t care about another person because I’m too overwhelm by my own things, I’m so full of stuff. So, I choose to isolate me from people and I choose to sit at home feeling very sorry about my self. I do like to be alone, but not when I have no options. I like to be around people and interact with them, but not when the relationship is only up to me to maintain. This make me return to the original question: “Are you alone due to…Your level of unrelenting emotional pain?” I still have to answer YES! So what can I do? I can work with my own inside pain, memories, stuff so I gained more healing inside, so I have more strength and space to let people in and truthfully care for them. I can interact with Dragonheart’s inside people more and do thing with them, til I feel better and want to be with out world people again. I can also just sit still and do nothing and continue to feel very sorry about my self.
Kathy Broady says
Thank you for your comment. You’ve clearly put a lot of thought into your answer, and you have asked a really good questions in return. I’m impressed that you have been working so hard at both inside and outside relationships, and yes, I agree – there is a very big difference between having a lot of social acquaintances vs. having good friends.
I do encourage you to put as much time and effort as you can in building your internal relationships. Building those inside connections takes a whopping lot of time, but it will make a world of difference for you. As you can address and comfort the pain that each of your insiders feels, you will feel better as a whole.
Thanks for posting — it’s good to see you here.
This is a hard topic for us. We have a couple people who are very important to us and help us alot. We aren’t completely alone. And yet, it sometimes feel like we are. And it is so hard to reach out. Being around people is so scary. Especially that “alone in a crowded room” feeling. When I am the only one offended by something because my history makes me sensitive to it, or I am the only one who can’t join the conversation about happy childhoods… The only one for so many things.
I cannot tell you how much this blog has helped me feel so not alone. I have found your words insightful and your questions ones that help me figure out me, which helps me relate to others better.
The other thing that has been incredibly helpful, has been Survivor Forum. I didn’t think it would really matter much if i wrote there, because I had been writing down answers to questions elsewhere. But having someone else respond to my writings has made a world of difference in me. I have been not so grumpy with my kids, and feeling so much more understood. The bonus, for me is that i get to be heard from outside, and understand my insides better.
I cannot thank you enough for all you do to help dissociative people, to help me.
Kathy Broady says
Thanks for your post, and I’m very happy to hear that this blog has been helpful for you. That’s excellent.
And yes, I have to agree with you about the importance and value of feedback and personal interaction that people get within a forum setting. It does make a lot of difference. Absolutely.
I’m glad to hear that you are recognizing progress and positive effects even in your home life. That’s excellent !!! Good for you — it’s obvious that YOU are doing lots of hard work. I can tell you are taking your healing seriously, and clearly you are putting a lot of time and effort into your therapy work. Doing homework between sessions, and working on healing issues between sessions is SO important. Well done, haberlach, well done!