I’m going to take a slight detour in the internal communication series and write a little about working with difficult alters. It is crucial to work with these internal parts, no matter how challenging and hopeless things seem in the beginning. Your therapy and healing will never be resolved unless you approach the issues connected with these difficult insiders.
And for that matter, the whole process of building a connection with these difficult, complicated insiders is based on building good communication skills with them, so in that sense, this post is still part of the internal communication series. System work, in whatever way it happens, is a critical part of internal communication and the overall healing journey for everyone with Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID/MPD).
Insiders may first appear in your therapy process being difficult – obstinate, obnoxious, aggressive, scary – and they may maintain destructive behaviors for a long time, but regardless of where they start, any alter within your system can become a helper or a protector. If you as the person truly want to achieve healing, then the healing of your difficult insiders can and will happen as well. No matter how difficult they initially present, they can become productive, helpful, positive members of your system.
Remember, even as a multiple, you are still one whole person.
If any of your insiders are left to behave obnoxiously, or if they maintain their destructive negative goals, their behaviors and feelings will affect you and the outside people that interact with you. You cannot block off your “problem parts” and pretend they don’t exist and still expect to achieve positive healing. ALL of your insiders have to have the chance to heal, including the people you are afraid of or the ones about whom you don’t immediately find anything likable.
Some difficult alters are destructive by their own choice and design. They do what they do because they purposefully want to be negative and interrupting. Other difficult situations are complicated simply because the issues at hand are very complex and emotionally challenging. Those internal parts may not want to be as much “trouble” as they are, but until their issues are more resolved, they may not know what else to do.
Who do I define as a difficult alters? Some examples are:
Those that purposefully sabotage or terminate your therapy and your healing process.
Those that are self-destructive, violent to the body, or harmful to the body in any variety of ways.
Those that sabotage other people within the system, including hurting or negatively manipulating others, blinding them, locking them up, abusing them, etc.
Those that are willing to hurt outside helpers – any of the people that are legitimately trying to promote healing. Any version of hurting the helpers — verbally, physically, emotionally, monetarily, violently, etc. – counts as being difficult and destructive to your treatment and to your system overall.
Those that cannot contain the new learning and tend to repeat the same negative behaviors over and over.
Whoever the system members themselves define as “difficult” or “challenging” because those parts hold issues or feelings that are particularly hard for them to work with.
Those that have trouble connecting to the current day, time, place.
Those that act out their trauma instead of talking about their trauma.
Those that stay locked in trauma memories and do not see or interact with the current day, time, place, etc.
Those that adamantly insist on staying hidden, separated, and amnesiac from the others inside.
The quick answer to address these complicated insiders is to speak to them. Talk to them. Get to know them. Try to understand them. Listen to their perspective on life. Even these insiders can be and should be approached in your therapy sessions. I can promise you, if you avoid talking to these insiders, they will continue to act out their issues. Ignoring them frequently means they will just act out more to get your attention.
It is essential to approach these insiders knowing they have had their job for a reason.
You might not like the reason, or understand their reason, but the point is, they are doing what they do because they believe it is helping to achieve a goal that they want. Try to understand what it is that they are doing. Why are they acting out like that? What do they believe? What do they value? From their framework, does their behavior make sense?
What were they taught? What were they required to do? Their behavior will very much fit the situation they were created into.
Really listen closely to understand why they are doing what they are doing. Work hard to hear and listen to their perspective. You might be pleasantly surprised to hear that their goals are not as “bad” as you might have originally thought they were. The main difference is that you might not agree with the visible behaviors.
Once you have an understanding of why they are doing what they are doing, you can work with them to problem solve and find new ways – more positive and helpful ways – to get what they want. You can begin negotiations on what helpful and positive goals will be.
Their healing process starts by talking to them.
Communicate with them.
Let them talk to your therapist.
Let them get involved in the healing their wounds.
Let them learn new expectations, new rules, and new info.
Remember, if they aren’t helping the healing process, they’ll continue to hurt it. They’ll continue to hurt themselves, and they’ll continue to hurt you. That probably was part of their original job. BUT, they can learn something new, and something less devastating.
Thank them for protecting you from those horrifically dark experiences.
And now, it’s your turn to have the courage to sit with them, be with them, hear their pain, and create a better world for them.
Who in your system needs to experience goodness, kindness, compassion, understanding, and acceptance more than the ones in your system who have been hurt the most?
Simple things — cups of tea, a glass of water, clean clothes, a soft place to rest, a place to clean up, a tasty plate of snacks — all the basics of gentle, tender care are typically brand new experiences for these dark system parts. These destructive insiders will definitely need this kind of help, both inside and out. They need lots of new and positive experiences so they can learn to be helpers, not hurters. Tend to their needs, and prove to them that their world no longer has to be filled with trauma, abuse, or neglect.
Until THEY feel better, you won’t feel better, not all the way. They are part of your DID system, and they desperately need time for gentle healing and positive new experiences. It’s a big job, but it’s a crucial job.
You can do it — it takes a team approach for all of you to heal.
I wish you ALL the best in your healing journey, and that means including all your system, even the ones who have seen the worst of the worst. Healing is for everyone.
Copyright © 2008-2017 Kathy Broady MSW and Discussing Dissociation