I’m going to take a slight detour in the internal communication series and write a little about working with difficult alters (aka insiders, inners, system parts, inside people, etc). It is crucial to work with these internal parts, no matter how challenging and hopeless things seem in the beginning. Your therapy and healing will never be resolved unless you approach the issues connected with these difficult insiders.
And for that matter, the whole process of building a connection with these difficult, complicated insiders is based on building good communication skills with them, so in that sense, this post is still part of the internal communication series. System work, in whatever way it happens, is a critical part of internal communication and the overall healing journey for everyone with Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID/MPD).
Insiders may first appear in your therapy process being difficult – obstinate, obnoxious, aggressive, scary – and they may maintain destructive behaviors for a long time, but regardless of where they start, any alter within your system can become a helper or a protector. If you as the person truly want to achieve healing, then the healing of your difficult insiders can and will happen as well. No matter how difficult they initially present, they can become productive, helpful, positive members of your system.
Remember, even as a multiple, you are still one whole person.
If any of your insiders are left to behave obnoxiously, or if they maintain their destructive negative goals, their behaviors and feelings will affect you and the outside people that interact with you. You cannot block off your “problem parts” and pretend they don’t exist and still expect to achieve positive healing. ALL of your insiders have to have the chance to heal, including the people you are afraid of or the ones about whom you don’t immediately find anything likeable.
Some difficult insiders are destructive by their own choice and design. They do what they do because they purposefully want to be negative and interrupting. Other difficult situations are complicated simply because the issues at hand are very complex and emotionally challenging. Those internal parts may not want to be as much “trouble” as they are, but until their issues are more resolved, they may not know what else to do.
Who do I define as a difficult alters? Some examples are:
Those that purposefully sabotage or terminate your therapy and your healing process.
Those that are self-destructive, violent to the body, or harmful to the body in any variety of ways.
Those that sabotage other people within the system, including hurting or negatively manipulating others, blinding them, locking them up, abusing them, etc.
Those that are willing to hurt outside helpers – any of the people that are legitimately trying to promote healing. Any version of hurting the helpers — verbally, physically, emotionally, monetarily, violently, etc. – counts as being difficult and destructive to your treatment and to your system overall.
Those that cannot contain the new learning and tend to repeat the same negative behaviors over and over.
Whoever the system members themselves define as “difficult” or “challenging” because those parts hold issues or feelings that are particularly hard for them to work with.
Those that have trouble connecting to the current day, time, place.
Those that act out their trauma instead of talking about their trauma.
Those that stay locked in trauma memories and do not see or interact with the current day, time, place, etc.
Those that adamantly insist on staying hidden, separated, and amnesiac from the others inside.
The quick answer to address these complicated insiders is to speak to them. Talk to them. Get to know them. Try to understand them. Listen to their perspective on life. Even these insiders can be and should be approached in your therapy sessions. I can promise you, if you avoid talking to these insiders, they will continue to act out their issues. Ignoring them frequently means they will just act out more to get your attention.
It is essential to approach these insiders knowing they have had their job for a reason.
You might not like the reason, or understand their reason, but the point is, they are doing what they do because they believe it is helping to achieve a goal that they want. Try to understand what it is that they are doing. Why are they acting out like that? What do they believe? What do they value? From their framework, does their behavior make sense?
What were they taught? What were they required to do? Their behavior will very much fit the situation they were created into.
Really listen closely to understand why they are doing what they are doing. Work hard to hear and listen to their perspective. You might be pleasantly surprised to hear that their goals are not as “bad” as you might have originally thought they were. The main difference is that you might not agree with the visible behaviors.
Once you have an understanding of why they are doing what they are doing, you can work with them to problem solve and find new ways – more positive and helpful ways – to get what they want. You can begin negotiations on what helpful and positive goals will be.
Their healing process starts by talking to them.
Communicate with them.
Let them talk to your therapist.
Let them get involved in the healing their wounds.
Let them learn new expectations, new rules, and new info.
Remember, if they aren’t helping the healing process, they’ll continue to hurt it. They’ll continue to hurt themselves, and they’ll continue to hurt you. That probably was part of their original job. BUT, they can learn something new, and something less devastating.
Thank them for protecting you from those horrifically dark experiences.
And now, it’s your turn to have the courage to sit with them, be with them, hear their pain, and create a better world for them.
Who in your system needs to experience goodness, kindness, compassion, understanding, and acceptance more than the ones in your system who have been hurt the most?
Simple things — cups of tea, a glass of water, clean clothes, a soft place to rest, a place to clean up, a tasty plate of snacks — all the basics of gentle, tender care are typically brand new experiences for these dark system parts. These destructive insiders will definitely need this kind of help, both inside and out. They need lots of new and positive experiences so they can learn to be helpers, not hurters. Tend to their needs, and prove to them that their world no longer has to be filled with trauma, abuse, or neglect.
Until THEY feel better, you won’t feel better, not all the way. They are part of your DID system, and they desperately need time for gentle healing and positive new experiences. It’s a big job, but it’s a crucial job.
Your system hurters can become your system helpers. It is a fantastic change to make in your DID system.
Read the rest of this story in: Progress Made while Reading about DID at Discussing Dissociation
You can do it — you can make huge progress too. Just remember — it takes a team approach for all of you to heal.
I wish you ALL the best in your healing journey, and that means including all your system, even the ones who have seen the worst of the worst. Healing is for everyone.
Copyright © 2008-2022 Kathy Broady MSW and Discussing Dissociation
Piecing Things Together says
I know this is an old post, but I hope you still check the comments. I am probably OSDD not DID. I have a part that targets my husband (literally the only person I’ve ever attached to, including in 15 years of therapy), sees him as a threat, and causes a lot of chaos between us. I can’t tell if they see something wrong in him that the rest of me can’t see or are just worried for me because attachment is so terrifying, or what. None of my parts are verbal so I don’t really understand how to communicate with them. I really have a hard time accepting and working with the ones that make my life chaotic and stressful. Then I feel guilty bc I know that they are doing what they think is best. How do I engage this part to understand their reasoning and goals when I cannot get them to use words?
What if you Meditate on what she said above? Say it to your parts, tell them that you are ready to hear it.
They may not say anything and it could help them feel understood. Maybe if you do this routinely for a while it could help. I am going to try that.
Hi Piecing Things Together,
I really resonate with Temi’s suggestion here. When I was first becoming aware of my first insider, she would talk a little bit with my T but not me. She said to the T that she was trying to tell me things but I was not listening. Then I realized that she was giving me body memories as I meditated. That was how she was speaking to me.
Sometimes our insiders communicate with us in ways other thanh our hearing. Try and scan your body for sensations, what emotions are coming up, what thoughts are going through your mind, etc. If you feel yourself being triggered (especially with your husband) try and do this scan — lightly with no judgements or labels. Just try and see what is coming up for you and then see if it feels like it is attached to one of your insiders. Just information gather for now and then see if there are needs/emotions being expressed that are being triggered and maybe look for ways to address them.
Every time that my husband would reach out to me with his hands, I would jump and fear would wash over me. I did not know about my alters back then and it really upset him … and me when I would do this. Even after I started to learn about my insiders I still had the reaction seeing his hands reaching out to me. It took time to find out about the abuse and the hands reaching out and why this was a trigger but still something was missing. I reassured the insiders that the hands were my husband’s hands and safe but still that did not do it. Then, after even more time I found out it was his finger nails that were the trigger. They were just like my one abuser’s finger nails and, for my one insider, that was all that she could see … fingernails coming towards her. A really crazy thing to be fixated on but that was her thing. Once I knew that, I could address that head on. But, it took time to find the answer and the w=answer was something that I did not expect at all.
Say … Piecing Things Together … do a search on “building internal communication” in the search function in the right hand column. Kathy has a bunch of articles on how to build communication with your inside folks.
Wishing you the best of luck with this. It is a lot of work but well worth it!
That 1 that did be so mean he now be a very quiet little boy. His name dont be shadowman anymore. He be very quiet. He been crying a lot. He even gets bad stomacke ackes. He sit quiet. He dont say mean stuff to us anymore. Even though he been having a really hard time and he say he hates grown ups and he hates women he still dont do no hitting or throwing or kicking or cutting or anything. We think maybe he learning to be tame.
Thank you for this info, maybe someone could share more reading about ‘bad’ alters? And how to make things better. I cannot aford a terapist
I would like to know more about the subject of dead alters. I can’t find much on this site.
One of my alters died during a trauma event and I think his energy was stolen and used. The solution to this was to go and get him. This involved psychic conflict. I was then able to lay him to rest.
Also recently there was a major incident in my system. There was a group of alters from decades ago. They were made in the cult. They had been dormant for decades until 2014 when the amnesia broke and they started giving me their memories. (So I moved from a schizoid depression phase into a DID-NOS healing phase.) With some of them it was possible to have teamwork, and eventually integration into my heart. Some of the alters were psychopathic. They had no interest in today’s life. This came to a head when my dog died. When I was digging a hole to bury him it felt very familiar like I’d been involved in burying before. My dog came to see me in spirit and say goodbye. He was well and in a beautiful place.
The cult alters were energised by the dark side of this event and by the misfortune of my wonderful dog. Eventually I made a rule that everybody has to be good. Those psychopathic alters could not accept this and they attacked me. Because I am a veteran of psychic conflict this resulted in their death. After a time I decided to cremate them and now their remains have gone back into the earth and the air.
The event produced peace for all concerned. Also after that a fear alter came out who had never appeared before because the others were there.
I wonder if anyone is willing to share their own experiences with dead alters and how they have dealt with it?
There has been another piece of progress with this part of my healing.
I was listening to an interview with Dan Duval and he recommended the technique of saying to your alters, “I love you. Thank you for what you have done.” I tried saying this phrase and four of the five alters who had died in the recent incident came to mind. I saw them, and with the phrase they came to me and came into me. They had been somewhere in the spirit world. I remembered my dark alter who was the other of the five and found him working for the dark side in a place in the spirit world and brought him back the same way. I showed them that we are under Christ now and they were all happy with that. It was a happy and optimistic reunion and later it was lovely to see them all sleeping with a happy peaceful expression.
This was integrating. Before, we weren’t able to get along but somehow now we can. Before they were inside but separate to me and now they are inside but part of me.
This has also helped me with the somatoform dissociation in my belly area. I have more sensation there now.
Lane (he/him) says
Thank you so much for sharing about your experiences with psychopathic alters. I am a singlet who is trying to be a good ally to a friend who recently realized he was a multiple. It explained so many weird events when we understood what was going on and one of his alters who was unnamed even let me name him because I was the first person who noticed he existed (he flirts with me… it’s wonderful except I miss him so much when he’s not out, even though the others who want a platonic relationship are still great friends who I care about though).
Anyway, we have been having some unpleasant encounters with an alter who is deeply apathetic, lacks empathy and tries to sabotage any attempts to get him help. If I even bring up solutions, he will mock me for being foolish enough to care about him. It hurts so badly to hear those words coming from the same face that can be so tender and caring most of the time.
But I know he (the psychopathic alter) had a purpose. His family tortured him and his brother was sociopathic. In order to survive, sometimes he had to be a complete monster back to them, and that was outside of him (the whole person’s) true nature. So he invented a monster to fight the monster – a little piece that is relieved from the burden of empathy.
I came here trying to see if I was being an idiot for believing that a fundamentally caring and kind multiple could have a psychopathic alter, and I am so relieved to know that it not only happens but that people can in time either transform or defeat them. My friend is in a lot of pain, but he is strong and I absolutely believe that if anyone can do it, he can. Thank you, and everyone else who has responded, for giving me hope!
We got 1 who been such a awful guy for so long. The meanest of everybody. But he be changing! You can feel it in our heart that his heart be changing from mean to nice. He have been talking to our talker lady and you can tell it be working.
And right now he be having a really hard time becuse he be dealing with some memeries. But he being QUIIT and not yelling. He did be bad today a little bit becuse he was hurting hisself. But he dont be talking or screaming at us or saying mean things.and when we telled him to stop hurting hisself, he stopped.
It be strange for him to not be yellng at us. It be nice.
The article says
“working with difficult alters. It is crucial to work with these internal parts, no matter how challenging and hopeless things seem in the beginning. Your therapy and healing will never be resolved unless you approach the issues connected with these difficult insiders.”The article says
How do you find that person to work with such a troubled soul? Or how do you know to trust a therapist with such intense emotions and overwhelming information?
Don’t know if we did right or not….but we kept “piece-mealing” stuff to our T….didn’t realize that that was what we were doing because we only had “waves” and “flashes”…we were terrified that as she saw the “real” us – it would overwhelm her and she would reject us….If it was overwhelming US – HOW was SHE supposed to deal with it?…
We have parts who constantly watch for body language, tones of voice, facial expressions…. we wanted so much to trust our T…but we didn’t know how to at first…..So if any of her “looks” or “words” scared us….later we would email her about it and flat out ask her….”What did that look mean?”…..”Why did you say that word?”……We kept watching for how she responded to us, how well she “heard” us, “tolerated” us…(at least that is how it felt to us)….we kept wondering when she was going to reject us and tell us we were “making stuff up”….Parts WANTED to say stuff – but we didn’t know how much would be TOO much…or if we would even make “sense” to her or not….
It was a LOT of BOTH of us gradually “learning” each other….being patient with each other….NOT easy to do….so many times throughout I wanted to RUN – reject her before she rejected me….but where else could I go….I could see that she was TRYING to understand me…and that kept me going back…..
We still “watch” her….but at least now it’s not so panicky….If she is not “getting” us, we try to explain from a different angle….sometimes we think she is supposed to be able to “see” what we are seeing and feeling Inside and we forget that she can only go by the words that come out of our mouth….Also we tended to forget that she was HUMAN with her own life situations – job, other clients, family, and a score of other things….
The hardest one was when Rage would get triggered and bubble up…..but she knew it wasn’t just because of the “surface” situation…..there was something much deeper behind it and she would work to calm the situation while coming from another angle to see what “his” issue was – giving “him” a chance to have a real “voice” rather than just using explosive expression…..I would be off to the side partially “watching” during those times – on pins and needles that she would dump me….but gradually his explosions have lessened because he knows she is willing to truly “hear” him……being “heard” is EXTREMELY important to parts….
As many times as I have wanted to RUN, it has been 10 years…..she has had ample opportunity to dump me… I have not run – and she has not dumped me…..we are BOTH still “learning” each other…It has been – AND STILL IS – a process….I still have a hard time with trust, but with her….I am getting there……
It sounds like you have a very patient and kind therapist. So many therapists “run” from these difficult parts, or dump them as patients, labeling them borderlines, etc. Those of us who survived abuse had to go through hell and survive. We learn to be fighters. We have lots of hurt and sadness and grief. Often we don’t have proper social skills being in a destructive dysfunctional environment for so long. We don’t tolerate shit. We don’t tolerate mean. We don’t do bullshit. We certainly don’t try “kind” and “nice” people because we don’t know what true “kindness” or “nice” people are like. Or we believe if we let kind and nice out we will just get hurt or abused more. We reject those we “love” or those “kind” people cause we worry they will be just like our old abuser or abusers. We project those difficult feelings and defend ourselves to fight, fight as if our life depended on it. We cannot risk being hurt anymore. Bravo for sticking it out for 10 years! We have never been able to see anymore for too long. Anger and madness come and they leave.
Wow, DK! You explained it so much better than I did! Totally got what you were saying. Yup! It’s an offensive defense and protection. I knew Rage was Inside in my teens but learned to block off because only “Daddy” was allowed to have strong emotion (unless we wanted to deal with consequences)…all the rest of us “submitted”….. Being in a “safe place” with T was HARD because stuff wanted to bubble out that I had worked hard to control all the previous years…..
Yup! My T is special to me. In the 90’s when I was hospitalized they diagnosed me as Borderline Personality with Suicidal Tendencies….I had no idea what the “Borderline” part meant but I definitely DID know the “suicidal tendencies” part….(I didn’t even know I HAD a diagnosis until years later when I went to get insurance and almost didn’t get it because of the “suicidal” part)……I bounced in confusion a lot….T says I am definitely NOT Borderline – but I have “parts”…..
Having Rage bubble to the surface has been scary for me – I could feel the “intensity” Inside even MUCH stronger than I think was coming to the Outside….I would be so afraid I would end up in prison or something….I am so glad T understood what was happening….Sometimes Rage would turn on ME if I wasn’t paying enough attention to what was happening – sometimes it would come to the Outside – sometimes I watched his “hate” for me on the Inside….Yeah – there were times it made T “nervous” – but we got through it….she is still there with me……
Not knowing how to handle “kind”?…Yup!….I have a co-worker I am very cautious of….the hardest times is when she is “kind” to me….I don’t know what to do with it….don’t know how to “trust” it because I HAVE seen times she has manipulated things and “used” me…..”kindness” causes Internal havoc….gullible child parts think she is “friend” and other parts get mad at me AND those child parts for accepting a garden tomato from the co-worker…. often I have ended up having to throw the tomato in the trash because the confusion was so intense….One time (good thing I was working alone in my area) the confusion and fear got so bad that SI was kicking in…then Rage hit and I “watched” myself smash half a dozen tomatoes into the floor of the room….Not fun for me – because, still in a daze, I had a big mess to clean up – desperately hoping she didn’t show up in the process….But then my sense of “trust” was so shot I got slammed with panic that she had sneakily watched the whole thing by the door – and video’d me with her camera….which sent me into more panic…..Of course, I had NO idea if ANY of that was true – so questioning parts wanted me to ask her – but I fought doing it because it would have made situations with her worse…so then the rest of the shift I had to deal with parts upset with me for NOT asking her….it was a rough shift to say the least ……Sometimes I SO wish things could just be “simple” – she gave me a tomato..I took it….end of story…..NO SNOWBALLING…NO PANIC….NO CONFUSION….it would be a dream come true……
Yeah – struggle with trust is hard…..Rage can mess you up big time…the big challenge is finding out WHY he is there so strong….WHY does he take his job SO SERIOUSLY? What is HIS story? Obviously directions that could end up gut-wrenching……
Again, thanks! You “bottom-lined” it all great!!
Is there a way to MAKE them start talking instead of acting things out?
Ganging up on him doesnt seem to help….kindness doesnt seem to help… telling him we understand just gets him angrier… bribing doesnt help…he absolutely refuses to talk to any of us inside. I cant get a thing out of him. The boys have even been trying to help.
And quite frankly, his behavior and bad behavior have gotten VERY old. It was old 30 years ago. I get that he despises himself. That much is obvious. But how do we get through to him?
ever sints mothers day we got 1 who he just be screming and ponding and kiking and mener.
he ushaly in a bad mood but this be werser. he ushaly be big and scary but we try to ignorr him.
caden say mabey becuse she be so strest out
rigt now he be hard to ignorr
mabey when summer come he will be gooder
kade is a problem kade is bad bad bad scarey bad wont talk just wisper bad things jes says me NOT ME
You wrote “I read all of ya’ll’s posts and you make it seem so easy to “comfort”……I wish I knew how to “connect” to that…….”
For this system our front person Comfort the rest of us very well. She is learning though.
My job is to mange the inside. I do my best.
It’s hard to share emotional support to yourselves when it was told to all of us we didn’t deserve, need or require it.
Thank you, Missy….I am glad your system found a way to take care of all of you…..you give me hope….there is still a lot of “disconnect” in me and for some reason “comfort” scares me – I don’t even know what that means or why…..maybe because I don’t think I am “worth” it….or maybe I am “too scared” to expect or even want it…..there are just SO many things I don’t have answers about yet….guess it is all part of the journey….
“I do my best”…..that speaks volumes more than any regular Outsider can understand…(except Kathy and her team! and my T!)….few realize how much turmoil there is and how much energy is needed in even getting THAT far!……
I am in a pickle with work and trying to figure out how to deal with Rage who keeps his eye on Outside situations and steps up in my face to make me aware when he thinks I am being “stupid”……He is on high alert for anything that looks like I am being “deceived, manipulated, or used”…..those are massive triggers for him and I don’t know why…..Summer time is the worst and it is approaching fast…..
One moment I am “YES!!! I have to find another job!” and a few moments later I am slammed with confusion – that I have made it all up, am being petty, am turning a molehill into Mt Everest, etc, etc…..Everything feels “Twilight Zone-y” and I can’t figure out what I am supposed to do….
Outside financial circumstances say I NEED to keep my job….Groups of parts are panicky that I will “ignore” their fear and stay….Rage will be livid if I do….livid that I will be “silent” and allow myself to be “used”…..but then there are “other directions” (parts????) that say it is all my “imagination” and I only THINK I am being “used”…..that my “perspective” is all wrong….and then there is the direction (part???) that says I am “supposed” to be used……
I have NO idea which one is right…which direction to go…. My boss only knows that I have PTSD – I had to explain to him one time why I “bottomed out” in front of him when he got mad about something I did….I did NOT tell him I was DID…. He told me a couple days ago that it is time for me to “shut down the Internal Narrative” and be the “counter-balance” he needs me to be for a co-worker (she happens to be the main cause of my triggers) ….”time for me to ignore it all”, “time to kick the rest of it to the curb – since I have been at this for a good while now)…and if I can’t quite do it, then fake it”………
He has NO idea the Internal uproar he caused…..which now makes me feel very “unsafe” around him…. The massive confusion triggers off SI scenarios as an “escape route”…….This is NO fun! I am in the very beginning stages of learning how to “comfort” parts….it feels very “foreign” to me and is a great struggle for me…..
I read all of ya’ll’s posts and you make it seem so easy to “comfort”……I wish I knew how to “connect” to that…….
Yes, we agree Missy!! Even though your post is years old now. We don’t work but all the rest of the conflicts feel familiar..
Thank you for this post. I feel like when these protectors come out, there is NOTHING to stop her from her destruction. She is mean and nasty, takes everything personally, gets emotional more than other parts. She is actually an angry teen that has a lot of healing to do. She doesn’t understand coping skills. She pinches herself, screams, starves herself, etc. Thank you to those who have posted how to understand their roles, and how to comfort these parts. What does an angry sad hurt abandoned child need? What would comfort her? A teddy bear and my dog, and a “snack pack” for when she starves herself.
Do I need to change therapist if he doesnt get DID. Can I still work with one that doesnt understand it as well as a DID specialist? Anyone seen it work using a therapist that has no experience In the field. I’m at a loss.
My answer would be yes ! It can work. I feel if your therapist is good and willing to learn. Then absolutely yes. I have never had a Specialist. They just have to believe in it . If your therapist doesn’t believe in the diagnosis then yes you’re not gonna get anywhere. If he’s willing to ask questions and learn as you go if you like him then keep him . I feel that the quality and the trust that you have with your therapist is more important. If you trust and believe in your therapist then you will go far in your treatment. If there’s no trust. He will not be able to learn new ways .
I believe working with an experienced therapist is a must after personal experience. You can also use a lot of the information here as a basis for working on stuff and support. DID work doesn’t work well if the professionals you work with don’t 1) believe in it 2) have experience with process and hard work it takes to heal your insiders. It takes time and patience and wisdom. I have to drive an hour each way to get to a specialist. She is new to me, but I am hoping her wisdom and experience will help me heal in ways other therapists have not been able to break through.
And how do we find such a specialist? Searching DiD specialty goes no where except Kath here and Janina Fisher and a few other authors. But searching through referral sites is far too non-specific to help.!! My T says that i need more, but wtf does that mean? (I asked, its more more clear)
All good advice to find a “specialist” .. that can be a major challenge. We just end up feeling like more a failure.
This is very hard for us. We have two parts that are very dark and one of them is a copy of an abuser. The abuser that sadistically tortured my alter Jamielynn. We have not told her we found him in our system. Another alter locked him, so he can not harm us until we can confront that part. Jamielynn is so so so deathly scared of him. To bring him up causes rage,anger and above anything so so much fear. Jamielynn will not talk about the sadistic torture she endured. If you bring it up she shuts down completely. She will not speak to me for days. She has a great deal of emotional pain she wont even talk about or admit she has. She wont participate in therapy. I know because of fear. But this alter causes so so many problems in our system. She is the one that has us waking up in odd places, waking up by men we do not know. Is aggressive, hateful, mean, confrontational. I hope one day Jamielynn can find the healing she so needs. It makes me cry thinking of all that she endured so I did not. I wish I could remember for her sometimes. I know it’s bad, I can feel it when I have tried talking to her.
I have recently become aware of a part who calls herself ‘The Bitch’ – a title I thought a protector part had called another part – who was anorexic when we were young but realised she is different. I have gotten much better at listening to everyone inside so with co-consciousness comes more revelations I guess. Recently when dealing with a major economic problem, a broken bone, etc. when there was a lot of pain and stress, she appeared as more distinct. Realised that this part contained all the self-destructive reactions from when I was very young, the internalised messages from abusers. ‘The Bitch’ has never liked being in a body, being on Earth and at a young age fantasised about exiting – really ending the hurt, physical and emotional pain and the confusion. She doesn’t like talking to other parts but have been insistent. She is like the darkness within which is a reflection of the pain done to us. . . . Feel like I am delving into quite primal and the most painful experiences, reactions and some lifelong responses to difficulties. The commentary from her and some comments are: “Well if it gets too hard we can stop being here. Life sucks. People are mean, horrid” etc. She contains a lot of rage – fury and says her middle name is Fury. It is hard but necessary to be aware of her I believe and to find and empower other, healthier responses as we heal. I imagine many of us have such parts. . . . though I had dealt with the aspects of suicidal ideation a few months ago and came out much more positive but this part offers a new slant on my system. Am going to introduce her to my therapist today.
Thank you for sharing this. I have been dealing with my angry and dark one for the past eleven months now. WOW … such hard work. I cannot sugar coat that or say that it not a rough road. I feel in some ways that I have regressed a lot. But, as hard as it is, I know that it is getting deep into the core of the wounds done to me. Until you go deep into the darkness you will never find the light. I truly believe that. So, buckle up – it may be a rough ride but the destination will be a much healthier you.
I struggle with even trying to communicate with a difficult alter. Their behaviors/thoughts make me ashamed. They are what I’d deem attention seeking. They include doing self destructive behaviors while having thoughts toward our therapist of “take that!” or “this is for you” . This part just wants to destroy the relationship. My therapist knows of the situation, but not the details. I’m too ashamed. I’m convinced that I really suck cuz I cant stand up against this part well enough to curb the behaviors. I dont know what to do 🙁
I really hear you here. I struggle with some of my alters. I get embarrassed and ashamed with the actions of some of my little ones and then scared and ashamed at the actions of some of the older ones that act out in anger and self-destructive behaviours. And, oh my, the holidays were fertile ground for a LOT of acting out!
There is no easy way to deal with some of our alters whose personalities and behaviours are so different from our own (the host) or what we would like to think about ourselves. I am not at all an expert on the subject just a fellow traveller who would like to offer some of my own observations/experiences on this subject.
Every alter is a part of us — no, let me rephrase that – every alter is a very necessary part of us. They were created by our wonderful minds to help us survive. We could not have done so without them. Their personalities, actions and behaviours my not be pleasant to us now, maybe not even acceptable in some respects, but they have been necessary for our survival in the past. That does not mean that they are necessary now in the present but our alters do not know that. They are living in the past and are still trying to survive the traumas of the past. So, the work needs to be done to help them understand the here and now and that maybe there are other ways that they can be in harmony with the whole system including the host.
To start with, I think that we have to try to open up a dialogue with all of our alters, get to know them, their triggers and what they feel that they are doing for the system. As hard as it is with some alters, I truly believe that we have to welcome them all into our lives with compassion, open hearts and accepting minds. They are not about to talk with us and, hopefully, in the future cooperate with us if we are rejecting of them, ashamed of them, try to suppress them, etc. Hum … so that takes a huge leap of faith to welcome them with open arms and a loving heart. But, I sincerely believe that that is the groundwork for understanding, cooperation and healing to peace.
Now, I personally choose to work with some of my more personally challenging alters with my T as much as I can and little outside of my sessions. That is because that is where I feel most safe with the most dangerous (in my mind) feelings and behaviours. I have totally surrendered any notions of ego or not being fully transparent with my T. As hard as it is at times, I let everything out with her. I trust her wisdom, strength, character, humour and professionalism to take whatever is in me that needs getting out. WOW do I ever feel major embarrassment sometimes afterwards but WOW do I also ever feel such peace and relief that I have shared parts of my deepest darkness with another human being.
So, bottom line for me in responding to what you have shared with us here is – try to look upon your relationship with your alter as not having to “stand up to them” but rather learning to stand in loving cooperation with them. And, trust in your T. The best way to alleviate any fears or misunderstandings is to tell your T openly and honestly, to the best of your ability, what is happening and why.
I am glad that you have come here Starlight and have shared with us. Everyone’s postings all give me pause for thought and reaffirmation of lessons I am still learning.
Thank you so much for your response ME+WE. In everything else I have kept that transparency with my T also. It has been amazing how much more progress it brings. Yet it is this part that has gotten me. I have composed a letter with all the info I know about what is going on with this part, yet this shame has still gotten me down. Its not even that horrible of a thing that is going on, there is much worse out there. I need to do some more thinking about where this shame is coming from.
How in the world do you come to a place of cooperation with parts such as this? Perhaps if I can work out the shame aspect, then it won’t be so hard.
I think that it is a great idea to write down your stuff for your T. Others have talked about this as well. I have done this at times, especially when I first started therapy (this round of therapy) four and a half years ago. I was just too embarrassed or fearful to speak the words.
To tell you the truth, there are still some things that I cannot verbalize because I cannot hold the thought in my mind for more than a few second let alone say it out loud. Just past fall I gave my T a bit of writing about what I had figured out from my past. I could not even let her read it while I was there. I gave it to her and told her to read it some other time or not at all. So ya … darn hard to expose your deepest, darkest, fearful, shameful inner feelings to yourself let alone another person.
Oh, and building cooperation with your system folks. From my experience, it takes a LOT of time, patience, compassion, courage and fortitude. I am still working on this especially with some of my more fearsome insiders. Honestly, one of them scares the heck out of me and two others are illusive and uncooperative. But, I keep inviting them to talk with me. I tell them that I love them even when I do not understand them or agree with them. And, I let them know that I sincerely wish to build a bond of mutual respect, understanding and genuine cooperation. I will let you know when I achieve this because, for now, it is a work in progress.
I love your name by-the-way!
Once long ago I read a book called Healing The Shame That Binds You. I remember it was really helpful to me at the time but it was a few decades ago.
Shame is so contracting. It makes my world smaller. It makes me hate to look in the mirror. It steals my voice and makes me want to hide. I don’t always know how to get around it, either.
What does help me in therapy is that my T knows that I get “stuck” sometimes when I am trying to unpack something or talk about it. I told her, “I need your help when I am stuck.” and she gets it. Now when I feel that cloak of shame descend over me and my voice get small and throat all tight I just say, “I’m stuck.” She can usually find a way to help me past and around and through it.
Maybe that would help…so that you were not trying to work through the shame alone. Sometimes it is incredibly liberating to simply let my T know that what I feel is shame. It’s almost as if speaking the name of shame lets me take back some of my power.
Oh my — how beautifully said Wren: “Shame is so contracting. It makes my world smaller. It makes me hate to look in the mirror. It steals my voice and makes me want to hide.” That is a BIG WOW. Thank you for sharing this Wren,.
Starlight, I hope that you see that there are many others like you who struggle with this issue. It is not to diminish your struggles with this problem in any way. It is to tell you that we are on this path of healing with you, we understand you from the deep core of our being and we support you on your journey.
This comment from Wren also demonstrates how, when one of us puts out a heartfelt request for understanding or an issue that is troubling or just something going on with them, we all receive enormous benefit from the comment (original and others).
Thank you so much ME + WE and Wren for your heart-felt responses!
I do need to work on having patience, and just accepting that such things will take time. I just want everything gone- yesterday!
Wren I like the idea of telling t “I’m stuck”.
I will be sending her a note about it all before we meet, so I dont have to be there. I know my t is a loving person and cares for me deeply, but yes the shame that binds.
Thank you for the continual support, I am very grateful for Kathy and all her hard work put into this website.
” I have totally surrendered any notions of ego or not being fully transparent with my T. As hard as it is at times, I let everything out with her”
This and all your words are perfectly beautiful .. if only .. after years with the T we think we trust .. iam so damn stuck and feel like i’m only going in circles, getting worse ~ like a brandy new Ed that we managed but is now on overdrive.. not sure it even matters to look for answers cuz nothing ever works .. that’s no hyperbole even our T said so .. so maybe no one or someone can’t trust.. i should be able to deal with this by now!!
No response necessary or desired.
rage and the bully them always been the most dificolt. but rage he be changing and it be weyrd but not bad weyrd it be good weyrd. but it be allot to get used to.but its ok. he wont talk to us but he and missy dont ben fighting so much. and he dont be atacking anyone for a hole week.
the bully she still a big mean jerk
danny he still a big grump and he throw things and say bad words but he dont try to hert aneybody
missy been qwuiet all day and her dont been trying to pick fighs and she be thinking allot and her be trying new thots out about are family
so that be weyrd but good weyrd
the bully say we all crazy.
we thot the bully wuld get nicer when rage did but her havent yet. mabey her will be next
it be like things be changing arond here and thats good it just be stranje to.like geting used to a hole big thing.
The Collective says
Hi, my name is Ray. We have some alters who are destructive and have suicidal and self-injurious behavior. We’re also totally blind. We live by ourselves.
I think that I missed your message earlier somehow. Time flows through my grasp often. Anyway, I wanted to say hi to you and to let you know that you may live by yourself but you are not alone because you have us all here – your DID friends. I have alters who are suicidal and like to do harm (mostly to me). If you want to ask any questions of your friends here about this, please do. We try to help one another with our shared experiences and insights. It can be really scary to feel out of control and harmful to yourself. You do not have to be alone with this feeling.
There is a part that cries and cannot speak. She has come out in therapy b4 and never been considered an “ineffective” part of therapy until today when she came out a few minutes b4 the end of session. My therapist mentioned it that way. I got a chain analysis for this happening. I feel very very extremely uncomfortable having DID. And I feel words can’t say for being Dissociative. Especially in therapy. Now I feel like I am being punished for it bc I think that my therapist thinks that I did it on purpose right b4 the end of session. THIS IS TOO MUCH FOR ME. I HATE THIS AND I DON’T WANT IT ANYMORE. I DON’T KNOW WHO IT IS THAT CRYS AND CAN’T SPEAK. IS IT ME? I AM AWARE OF THAT PART. I DON’T WANT TO DO THIS!!! I DON’T KNOW HOW TO TALK TO THEM. I AM TAKING A BREAK UNTIL JANUARY!
Ghee … do I ever hear your pain. I am so sorry that you are in such distress, frustrated, at the end of your rope … just ready to give up on working this out. I really hear and understand and wish that there was something that I could do to help. All I can do is support you in where you are and hope that this website, Kathy, Laura and your DID friends here can offer you some hope that you will get through this rough spot.
Now, maybe you need to check out with your T just what happened and how they really feel about what happened. You can explain how you had no control over the part that came out and you certainly did not do it on purpose. This has happened to me and I have felt oh so guilty about getting into something at the end of the session that I feel I shouldn’t have (even though I had no control over it) and keeping my T late. I would spend a miserable week in between sessions fretting about it only to find out that my T was not mad or upset at all. I am super sensitive to anything that sounds like rejection or anger or criticism or abandonment, etc. So, sometimes I misinterpret the information coming at me and I jump to the conclusion that I am bad, I did something wrong, I am going to be punished, etc. These are the messages that we learned with our abuse but it may not be our reality in the present.
As for your little one who cries and cannot speak, maybe you can hold this little one, rock them, and sooth them. My very first insider who came out in therapy did so with violent reenactments of abuse but would not speak. When she finally did, she told my T that she was trying to tell me but that I would not listen. Boy did that upset and frustrate me because I was listening and trying to hear. It finally came to me one day in meditation that she was showing me her pain. She did not talk because she did not have the words to describe what was happening to her. When I started to listen with my body, I started to hear her story. Maybe you just need to sit with your little one, experience her tears and sadness, and see if she does not have something to tell you through your body.
Please do not give up here Abiyah. Your DID friends are here to listen and help if we can.
Abiyah, ME+WE has some really good thoughts for you. I don’t have anything to add except to also encourage you to stay and not give up. We are here.
we got 1 that be driveng are talker persin crazy becus he be sutch a jerk 🙁
be driveng us crazy to
he try to make evrewon hate him
he think it funy
we trying to figyr him out
we think he need a brain tran plant
if he ever did be good we wud be in shok
I want to know why does one of my alters feel so close to the abuser’s?
this does not make sense to me at all, yet when I get angry at them
they will get mad at me. Please help me to understand. the ages of the alters
that like the abusers are 5 years old and the other one is more like the age of a toddler.
This is all so confusing. I have an other who is an introjected exact replica of one of our abusers. Why would he be in there? He abused us and made us do very bad things, so why would he be needed in our system? It’s not like one of my others who did the bad stuff we were forced to do in order to protect and save the rest of us. This introject other was the real life external ringleader / abuser. It’s disturbing that he is even in there, let alone trying to communicate and understand him. How on earth can i possibly make a relationship with someone who caused our abuse and splitting in real life???? Any help would be appreciated. Thankyou
My current therapist, a psychologist met a couple parts who came out to her as they really trusted her. She admitted that she was a bit startled but decided to just work as she would with anyone with complex trauma. However, she also maintains there is no use trying to work with me when I am dissociated. I know lol- we often are. But now parts feel inhibited from speaking up. I have a very important issue that has often come up in my life. A part that I know as Rogue can be quite outspoken, not quite aggressive but he seems to do things to put people off and is open to lying, exaggerating, etc. Afterwards, we feel mortified and upset. I have deduced his rationale is to push, keep people away, as that is the only way to be safe. Many people I have been close to, including family members, friends, therapists have abused me, so I could say no wonder. But this does not seem like a healthy way to handle things. Am aware he is like the rebellious teenager I never was and try to dialogue with him, but he prefers to swear, be angry and justify his actions. He has caused serious problems for me as a child, teenager and adult in personal and professional settings. Any thoughts would be welcome.
This is a post I very much appreciated. Due to my minds current chaotic state–maddening thought processes (a me problem) I know I will/should read this again at a later date.
That being said, I appreciate many things regarding this post. I already view these parts (if they are) as protectors. The struggle we have stumbled upon is having their lives being shaken, in a way. I’m now 30yrs old. They did it. They achieved their goal, we are still alive, but now years into therapy many of the deeper inside parts still are unaware of these changes. Despite some knowledge they fear change. Now luckily I do not fear in the typical sense. I know something is either threatening or not, I spend most of my days coconscious and so we are working in therapy to show them their roles can and have changed.
As I skimmed I wanted to also state I liked you did not use the oh so over (illogical) utilized term, “perpetrator.” To Me it’s nonsensical and completely living outside logic. It does not occur to me to fear any part of me nor should/could they be defined as a perpetrator REGARDLESS of what they’ve done, said or their function. It occurs for a reason and comes down to being protective in some way either collectively beneficial or only for the individual.
Thanks for writing what you do. I often find it interesting.
All the Jill People says
Guess i qualify as difficult then.
Please any help or advice on how to go about this, I try to be gentle with them but for whatever reason it just seems to make them angrier. I know there is a strict ‘no talk’ rule. I have a lot of littles who are very frightened and scared. Am I missing something or doing something wrong? I don’t know how much longer we can go on like this.
This is the first time posting as I am new to this forum. I certainly can relate to what everyone is going through because I continue to cope with DID for MANY years.
I feel like the biggest suggestion I can give trying to communicate with any alter is to make them “comfortable”. By this I mean to give all parts a safe place where they can have their own comfort items. I thought for a really long time that all this trauma happened to “them”…& I wasn’t very compassionate to say the least. Then I thought, ‘OMG’ if this happened to my child I wouldn’t be mad and cursing. I would hug her and tell her how much I loved her and how sorry I was. We forget (and I still do) that our trauma happened to “us” not “Them”. Would you talk to someone right after your trauma, would you yell, would you cry? What would help you feel safe and comfortable? Your parts may not know and may not tell you. You could look through magazines to see what might make them happy or safe… or what I have or magical treasure boxes all over inside and the parts can wish for “Anything” … open the box and it will appear. The only restriction is that nothing negative will be granted from these magical boxes. Best of luck… and know some days are going to suck and sometimes you’ll be ok.. I’m still there…but just try to love ALL of yourselves.
Yes, yes, yes, wow. just come accross this website and the first bit of info iv heard that relates to me 100%. this is what i am trying to do right now, still trying to get used to and accept that im DID and i have alot of destructive alters, that want to kill us. That have tried on numerous occasions over the last few months to do u just that. Im struggling to accept this and think from what you are saying that is why im having trouble connecting to abusive alters, your right i don;t much care for what there doing to the body. i frightened of what will happen next. Any more info on how to connect with these alters to stop this please? How do i start? how do i go about this? words i should use etc
Jean Eisenhower says
@Sunflower: Trust your intuition, but consider these approaches: Love the little ones who were hurt and are afraid. Promise, when you are able, to listen and not judge. I believe when you listen to the destructive ones, they won’t need to be so destructive. Have compassion. Each has an important part of reality to share. Ask your Inner Self Helper for guidance. Blessings to you.
Kathy Broady says
Thank you for all your kind and wonderful comments. Your words are so gentle, so very kind, so very understanding, so very compassionate. I am thankful that you have found this blog, and I definitely appreciate your participation.
I hope that things are going well for you in your life.
Kathy Broady says
Welcome welcome to Discussing Dissociation, and I’m so very pleased to see that you found some articles that were helpful for you. You’re on a big new journey working with your insiders, and yes there is lots to do. Jean’s comment to you was a wonderful response (thank you Jean!), and I completely agree with her. This blog is full of ways to communicate with difficult insiders, so keep reading. Search through the Internal Communication category, and the Therapeutic Homework Ideas category. You’ll have more than enough to start with just grasping all that stuff.
Keep working at it though. DID doesn’t have to feel so bad. Keep getting to know your system, and start talking with your insiders, as one of your top priorities. They have each been created to help you with something, so the sooner you can see them as your allies, the better things will go.
I wish you the best in your healing journey. You can do this!
Thank kathy and Jean. You are both so kind. I’m really struggling with this, it all new to me. I am trying to talk to my alters. I have one main angry alter and she has two accomplishes, they contince to hurr the body, in very different ways. Maybe because I’m not yet fully accepting of this
Trauma And Dissociation project says
Reblogged this on Trauma and Dissociation Project and commented:
Dissociative Identity Disorder -Working with difficult and destructive alters
I know it has been some time since you have posted this but I just came across this resource recently. After spending nearly 4 years with a therapist that refused to work with any of my parts, just me, I started going downhill about a year ago. I had been seeing a trauma therapist before I moved and had seen her for nearly 4 years as well. We had made progress with my internal system but I decided to move for other reasons. I did not have a connection with an individual therapist for 6 months after moving here, then I started with the first therapist I mentioned. She just recently terminated with me and I am now seeing a therapist with experience in DID. my last therapist had actually referred me to my current therapist. But in the 4 years prior I had somehow completely shut my system down or tried to anyway…I knew my therapist was not going to work with the others and as I had done most of my life I shut down, but the last year had been intensifying. I believe my last therapist terminated permanatly because she realized it was time for me to work on the internal system. During those four years I had told myself I had just made it all up before or I got over having other parts, but I always knew it return deep inside. So these last few months with the new therapist have been challenging, I’m still trying to battle the denial that everything has come back. But I am making progress. One thing I’m dealing with is all the people in my life had accepted I no longer had DID. So now the few people I have told, mainly family, have responded negatively about it. Once my insiders started to come out during therapy, one of my destructive parts has hurt me, each time is increasingly worse. When I had worked on my system in the past my therapist and I had worked with this part and he had broke down and agreed to be cooperative. But now I am accepting all of this more again he is back to his original role. When he had been cooperative in the past, another layer of a destructive part had come out and the previous destructive part was then being punished with the little ones (though he is a teenager) and it is difficult now because he is back on the destructive side. I don’t want to continue to be hurt and I know I need to work on my internal system and be willing to accept all my parts again, I am just so afraid. In the past the destructiveness had got so bad at one point I had to move into assisted living and was always injured pretty often and was hospitalized several times. But in the last four years I have been at an important job and I had worked 15-20 hours a week prior to this school year when my treatment team suggested I work 5 hours a week. It is hard explaining to people why I am not working so much. But then the last school year had been really rough and had to miss several days due to my mental health. I’m just so uneasy with all this and I feel I have let so many people down. I’m so confused and though I am trying to reaccept all this, it is terrifying. I feel like this is going to ruin my life again and I feel like I have failed.
Kathy Broady says
Hello survivingthroughweightloss, and welcome to the discussing dissociation blog.
You’ve got lots happening for you, that’s for sure. If you keep reading the different articles here, you’ll see that I’m a big big believer in doing system work and talking with your insiders. All those difficult behaviours are the inside’s way of telling you something, and as you learn how to communicate with them and how to understand what they need, you can start meeting more if their needs without so much havoc happening for everyone.
It is very hard to go to work and school with all this confusion happening in your system. The good news is, that as you work with them, things can settle down bit by bit. It takes a lot if consistent work, and kindness, and understanding, and new learning, but you can do it, especially now that you have a therapist more willing to work with your system.
I wish you the best in your healing, and please do keep exploring all the resources written here. You’ll find lots of ideas that can help you work with your system.
Peter Hyatt says
Can one dissociate at will?
I think i got sombudy figyerd out from reading this.
I think a sertin sombudy gettid afrad . Cuz missy startid talking to are T and being nice to her. And startid to trust her. And talkt to her.
And i think that makd a sertin sombudy rel angery and scard. Cuz missy brakd the rules. So now he be extra mean cuz he scard and mad.so now he got to take it out on evrebody. That cuz he feel thretend. I bet that be what it is. He just want to distract are T so nobudy talk abot no more privit stuff.
Do i sownd like a therepist kathey?
Talk is cheap broady
And maybe some of us arent interested in being fucking “understood”
Maybe we want to be fucking left alone to do what we need to do cuz mayb some stupid fucking bitches need to be left for dead and its our job to do it. Fuck the deepst truest selves being good. Maybe some of us are just evild underneath.
We dont no what to do with danny and the bulley and micheol rite now
They be out of controle
They be relly bad
Mabey it just becus we be sick this week?
Cuz somtimes they be werse when we get sick
Rite now it be very discuriging cuz they act so bad
Mabey when we get over the flu we will be able to fite them better
I not DID I just DD’ed , so communication w/them others is generally difficult cuz lotta the time there not much clear to ‘hear’.
And I avoid too proly.
I get too scared.
I goto be ok for my IRL kids, can’t go crazy.
I too scared, I avoidant of emotions.
I don’t remember nothing either, and it NOT ‘inside’ like T say it proly is.
She say I not brain damaged, I say I IS and that why I never know nothing to remember.
I know, some parts I thot was all bad an evil and stuff, I found out they not so bad.
But the subtle blocking parts mess me up to proceed.
I run run run away and I dunno how to NOT.
My head hurts.
I don’t wanna listen.
I DON”T WANNA.
Like Gobbies there are two categories for me one of “Dark Alters” is just a “perverted” protector. He doesn’t know any other way and thinks his way is the best way. At the moment he is on ice and in a climate controlled safe, some of us go to visit but not sure if he can hear us or is willing yet. It’s been made known that we’ll listen as long as the conversation is constructive but we’re done putting up with the abuse. Ball is in his court and I don’t think he likes the lack of ‘attention’. So now that things in the rest of life have calmed down maybe we’ll get back to working on our talks.
The other category like Gobbies said is one of pure “evil” (I’m not sure I should even put that in quotes but I will for now). There is one DA that definitely has no goal but to cause the system pain,chaos, and destruction. There is no talking to her, there is no “hidden” protector/helper, no wanting to be “heard” she just wants to be heard. With the male mentioned above he eventually learned to listen a little once we learned to translate what he was saying and perceiving (ex: talking about or carrying out punishment of other parts was really about trying to protect in around about way from some outside punishment), he wants to be “heard” (meaning acknowledging he’s there, important, has a message, has a goal, etc). The female part never comes up for air, in someways it’s almost like no one else exists. Dunno if that makes sense. She’s just very one track.
I think we are all difficult in our own way ha! I get called difficult by my insiders because I’m too “uptight”, “don’t know how to have fun, relax, kick back, etc”. I’m kind of glad they call me out about things, I’m glad we are working on this communication thing. Keeps the headaches down ha!
Thanks for writing this Kathy.
This is a hard one for us. We know that its possible (sometimes) because we have some insiders who were once very “bad” who are now helpers and protectors. But, there are some in our system who we just can’t fathom ever being anything other than evil. Some are in other layers, some in jail and some just roaming around, but they just do not seem to have any potential for good.
Kathy Broady says
Yes, this can be a difficult area of work, but it is really one of the most important areas too.
In my head, I separate the person (“inside part”) from the yuck stuff they had to do — sort of like the ol’ famous “I like you but not your behavior” idea. I completely understand how some parts of everyone’s system were forced to have horrible nasty yuck jobs. A big reason those parts were split off in the first place was because no one else in your system wanted to have such a nasty job. But, if — since — you were adamantly required to do those things by the bigger, stronger perpetrators that surrounded you, then frankly, you didn’t have a choice, and you had to do what you were being told / trained to do. So… someone from within your system had to split off, buck up, and just do it. No questions asked. (The consequences of refusing to cooperate were probably pretty darn severe…)
And likely, the parts of you that were given that job in the first place were never really comfortable around the rest of you — or y’all were not comfortable around them, so… those parts have remained pretty much isolated and alienated in the dark worlds. That just means that’s all they know. It doesn’t mean they can’t learn something new or more positive. It means they haven’t had the chance yet.
So… our job is to show them that the world doesn’t have to be full of only negative, dark, evil things. We get to invite them to the lightside, so they can see what it is like over here. It’s not perfect on the lightside, but it can be a whole lot better than what is offered on the darkside.
AND… since those parts were split off from the same good person as you are, I figure that underneath all the horror and evil those parts have seen and done, they are still a very good person, because… fundamentally, they split off from the same good person that everyone else in your system split from. To me that means that their deepest truest selves are good too. I’m just sure of it.
But yes, this is very difficult work. Keep at it. It’s worth it.
What should a system do with say an abusive alter who is around 40, he kidnaps alter in their (my friends) system, and then tortured them, a lot of the alters are under 20, and then there some littles as well- what should they do when this 40 year old abuser guy won’t even listen to them? And seems to have no chance to be good?