Trauma survivors with Dissociative Identity Disorder have an internal world – an internal landscape that is visible, tangible, and very real for the different internal parts. No one on the outside can see this internal world – it is within the mind of the DID person and it belongs totally and completely to them.
Many times, this internal landscape is an internalized replica of what happened in the outside world. For example, you might see a house that looks just like the place where you grew up. Or you might see rooms that appear to be the same as rooms where you were hurt. When you first look within your internal world, it is not uncommon for most of the landscape to parallel your trauma history. It is, in fact, during the traumatic times that your various parts were split off.
However, the internal world belongs to you, it was created by you, and it does not have to stay “as is”. If you can visualize something new, you can change your internal world. If you want to create and develop nice internal homes, you can do that. It is your world, and you can surround yourself with whatever you choose.
This internal world can be changed and affected by work done with external people with the internal parts. Like any other situation, if the interactions are with a safe person, the changes to the internal world will lead to greater healing and stability. If those interactions are with a not-safe person, the changes in the internal world will be done to serve the offender / abuser, and will not benefit the DID survivor.
The internal landscape comes naturally with the concept of dissociating because the other people that are split off from the natural born child have to have a place to be, to exist, to live. They have internal homes – their own place be – when they are not out presenting in the body.
When the host person is in a lot of denial about the DID system, it is not unusual for that host part to not be able to see much of the internal world. Hosts with denial very often say, “It’s dark inside”, or “It’s all black”, or “I can’t see anything.” When this is the case, it is a very clear indicator that there is work to be done.
Or for that matter, even if denial isn’t the issue, the out front host parts may be blocked from the chaos or complexities of the deeper internal worlds so they can stay focused on outside world, everyday life issues. Dealing with the outside world, and outside people, and the job, and the household, and the kids, and all the busy-ness of an outside world is a big enough job of itself! Blurring the inside world with the outside world can become too much to manage at the same time. In that sense, it can feel protective and more manageable for the outside host part of your system to stay further removed from internal workings of the rest of the DID system.
Therefore, the host person of your system may not be the best person to go to when you are trying to work with your internal worlds. Hosts are great at their outside jobs, but someone else in your system could be better prepared to work with internal worlds. For that matter, if the host person has a great deal of trouble accepting that there are internal worlds, or simply finds it too difficult to manage, you might have to side-step that debate, and work on the issue separately as an internal group. Invite your host to join in with you, but don’t stop doing this work if the host personality finds this too difficult.
You will have internal leaders as well – they may or may not be the same leaders that deal with the external worlds. These leaders will likely be aware of who is in their area. They even be aware of other areas that are separate from their own “world”.
A Neutral Meeting Place
Those of you that can see each other can create an internal meeting place – a neutral area, much the same as a living room or den of a house. Create this place as an area that belongs to everyone and is created to be shared between whoever shows up. This makes for a good place to practice overall group communication.
Use this room to have general group meetings, to talk about daily events, to discuss decisions, to make plans. Check in with each other – ask how the others are, how they are feeling today, and what’s going on for them. The more your group as a whole participates in life issues, and becomes aware of each other, listening to each other, the more cohesion and cooperation you will get. Developing a group consensus – where insiders can agree to do various issues, will significantly improve your overall stabilization and ability to function.
Besides group meetings, make it abundantly clear that it is also okay for everyone to speak with everyone else. This is important, as breaking the “no-talk rules” is critical in your overall healing. Encourage each other to spend time together, to get to know each other, to talk on a regular basis. Do not base these kinds of communications on trauma material – base these on typical outside interactions, where you get to know the person, what they do, what they like, who they are before you start asking about crisis or traumatic material.
Go on Internal Walk-Abouts
When you look around your internal world, you will get clues from the actual landscape that is there. If you see a locked door or a walled off area – there could be someone else on the other side, specifically separated from the rest of you. If you see black fuzzy shadowy areas, there are very likely groups of other people hidden inside of those. If you see a house or a building, there will likely be people inside those areas as well.
Explore. Walk around. Look deeper into areas that you haven’t gone into before.
Look in the hidden areas – you’ll find all kinds of internalized parts if you look for them. Think about where you used to hide as a child. If you look in those same kinds of places on the inside, you’ll find some of your internal kids hiding there in your internal worlds. These hidden kids may also know where other hidden children are. Be sure to ask.
If you are leery about doing these walk-arounds on your own, take someone with you. The buddy system works well and be sure to inform the others inside that you are exploring, and ask them to come check for you if you’re not back in a certain amount of time.
Your inside world will be a mini-version of what your life has been like. What happened externally will have been internalized. In many ways, your internal world will be a version of your life story, and all the insiders needed to get through the different events. The places will be the same. The stories will be the same. It’s you and your life – just on the inside.
Meet the Needs of Your System People
Remember, as you find someone inside, approach them the same as if you were looking at an outside person in that situation.
If they look hungry, give them something simple to eat. If they look thirsty, share a favorite drink with them. Give them clean clothes, warm blankets, a warm wash cloth, and small teddy bear for comfort if they are young. First meet their physical needs. Your first priority is to help them feel safe and protected.
Once these parts feel safer with you, they will begin to talk with you a little more. Do not push for memory content. This will overwhelm too many people too fast, and it’s not necessary. If the hidden ones you find will move to a new area closer to the safe common ground, that is great. It might take a lot of work, before they are comfortable enough to do that, but let them know the option is available whenever they are ready for that.
Help the Insiders see the Outside World
Start with getting everyone connected more in the here and now. Do they even know there is a NOW time that is completely different from the THEN time they are familiar with?
Let them peek at the external life, through the outside (body) eyes to see that they live in a new place and time. Many of these insiders will have been locked deep within their traumatic worlds for most of their lives. They need time to see that it is Now, and that it will be news to them that they can live in a safer place. Build nice areas for them to stay, so they don’t have to go back to their traumatized “homes”. The longer they can stay in safe neutral areas, the better.
However, expect your system members to go back and forth between the new areas that you create for them, or that get introduced to them, and back to their old trauma-filled areas. They will visit or return to their old internal areas while they still have unprocessed trauma to deal with. The more they get a chance to have healing for their wounds, the less they will have to return to those old places that remind them of the trauma.
This is such a huge topic, and the process of this work can continue for years of time. It is extremely rewarding and makes a huge difference, so I encourage you to get started, and to stay with it. Please continue to read other articles that expand further into the discussion.
I wish you the best in your healing journey.
Warmly,
Kathy
Copyright © 2008-2023 Kathy Broady and Discussing Dissociation
what a great post….
For so long, I always referred to my parts as “new me” and “old me” and had never even considered myself as having different identities.
Since I have been in treatment, I no longer find myself even referring to myself as “new me” or “old me.” I guess I must be moving towards integration. I still find that in moments of extreme stress, I will seem to find myself taking on the traits/habits of either “new me” or “old me.” It is completely unconscious but always leaves me baffled when I notice it. For example, I’ll suddenly find myself putting my knees up at the dinner table. I have not done that in years!!! It was a clue that “old me” was around.
The internal conversation helps a lot. By making the process a conscious one, I can decide how I want to handle a situation, rather than just unconsciously having “old me” or “new me” take over.
As much as my “parts” have caused me grief, I find it incredibly fascinating how my mind works and how my parts have developed. I have incredible depth of character. No one who has gotten to know me can accuse me of being a boring person. I have a rich internal life that people could only dream of. For these things, I am quite grateful. <3
Hello sktgrl119,
Thank you for your insightful comment. You are doing some really good work with your insiders, and I must congratulate you on recognizing the richness of your internal life. What a great appreciation you gave developed for your insiders. Well done!
I wish you the best in your healing journey.
Warmly,
Kathy
Reblogged this on Discussing Dissociation and commented:
Hello Everyone,
This article from 2009 was recently reblogged by a reader. There is a whole lot said in this article. I decided that reader was right! It gives lots to think about. Please be sure to read through the 25+ comments as well. Your thoughts are welcome too, as always.
Warmly,
Kathy
Hi. I appreciate this post, although I relate to very little of it. A few things gave me some food for thought, but for the most part my experience has been different. I actually linked to this post on my blog (it may notify you of the fact), because I feel like there are definitely people who CAN relate to it, and I’m here to offer information and whether I agree or relate to it or not is beside the point. I mean no offense in disagreement, I just don’t find the things you state as fact to be true for all systems all across the board. But perhaps you are only referring to a specific type of multiple that came into existence in a certain way. I think mind control/programming can create worlds that have nothing to do with the external and everything to do with what the programmers wanted or considered easiest to work with. I am curious as to your perspective on that aspect of internal worlds, if you have any experience with that. I have also found that not everyone can change their internal world at will, including myself. But perhaps that is a skill that can eventually be acquired? I don’t know. At any rate, as a topic that I could find very little about, I appreciated that you took the time to write this.
Hello talktoj8,
Thank you very much for your comment and your reblog. I appreciate your thoughts and welcome to Discussing Dissociation.
Most certainly I agree that internal worlds can be created during/for mind control and programming purposes. And yes, those worlds are designed to be exactly what the external programmers wanted or needed to accomplish specific tasks. Big topic. Lots of complications. I certainly haven’t written about all that.
Yes, I have known people who are able to change those program – created worlds but it takes an enormous amount of work and an unshakable willingness to separate from the programming and programmers. It is intense work and it can be done.
I’ll look more into your questions. This is an important area of healing. Thank you for your interest and participation. Much appreciated.
Warmly,
Kathy
http://rockingcomplacency.wordpress.com/
Mind Control Programming Basics V: Object-Based Programming
Talktoj8,
Have you seen this article on the Rocking Complacency blog? It’s an excellent post written about internal worlds as used in mind control or programming settings.
In fact the whole series is a highly informative read. I recommend it.
Hope that helps.
Warmly,
Kathy
Talking about shadows, I just wanted to point out that other things can hold insiders as well- fog, mist, clouds, mirrors, etc.
We also have one insider who turns into a mouse internally when he is scared and another who can disguise himself as a rock. I don’t know if things like that are common, but just throwing the info out there.
Kathy,
I appreciate your kindness and tenderness. I am getting the message from someone inside (not sure who) that it is a bad idea for me to be on this site. That it is wrong, somehow, and I will suffer some bad consequences for it– like punishment. Therefore your tenderness is *very* helpful and reassuring, because another part knows that finding and helping everybody inside is just what I need.
I am looking forward to a post about denial very much as this seems to have been torturing me for quite some time. Denial about having parts, and denial about abuse.
And thank you to everyone else. All your responses are helping me so very much to see things more clearly!!
Ljane
Hi Ljane —
Thanks for your post.
It is normal for there to be an internal conflict about making progress in some of the areas of therapy work. I’m sure there are some in your system who have been given the job to “keep the secrets” or to “keep the dissociative walls in strong working order” or to keep people separate from each other, etc etc. Those old rules / instructions are not unusual at all, and probably came from the abusers themselves. After all, most perpetrators put a lot of effort into making others keep secrets, including secrets from themselves. Of course, there would be some folks in your system who would have been clearly taught that the safest thing was to follow those old instructions. Breaking the old rules and doing new things can be very scary, even if it is exactly what the person needs to do to progress in their healing.
An important part of the therapy / healing process right now is for you to make decisions on your own — and to challenge some of the old ways that you were taught to keep information hidden. I can see that some of your insiders are ready to move on, and are glad to re-connect with each other. That is really exciting! SO… keep working at it. Find the balance between taking new steps even when that is scary to do. You can do that.
Emphasize teaching those parts (the ones who want the old rules) all the current day reasons for why it is ok now to do something new and different. Their fears needs to be addressed, and the conflicts resolved in order to increase your overall stability. It’s not ok to just ignore them totally — that will backfire on you. Work hard to show them why these new ways are allowed now, when they weren’t in the past. As they express what they are worried / concerned about, you can address those issues, and build a rapport along the way. They may very well be stuck in a different time zone (ie: more connected to 20 years ago than to today), and if so, they may not be aware that your life is different. Maybe some of what they are afraid of doesn’t even exist in your current life anymore. ???? But it’s important to check that out, and see where they are coming from.
The exchange of information between you and them is critical! Listen to their fears / concerns, and then help problem-solve for their concerns.
Build that bridge to them!
Good luck – and keep up the good work.
Kathy
Hi Kathy,
Thank you for explaining the concept of the inner world sometimes being similar to the places in which the abuse occurred.
As part of our denial surrounding the abuse, we drew comparisons between what we see in our internal world of bare floors and sparsely furnished bedrooms, with the very brief glimpse of the internal world that was shown in the movie Sybil – which were also wooden floors from memory. We used this to show how suggestible we were and that it was all made up. Then over Christmas the mother told us about how prior to house alterations all the floors in the house were bare. We also conveniently forgot that some of the littles hide in a closet that is exactly like the wardrobe we had prior to the alterations, and that our “perfect childhood” garden is a based on our neighbours garden.
However, we’re now a bit concerned about what you’re saying about the shadows potentially holding other parts. We always assumed that the shadows were the way the ones from the basement moved around the house and indicated our level of danger. But we had a little one come from the shadows. We may have to rethink the whole shadows concept.
As others have talked about denial, I was just wondering if it was common for alters to be in denial as well?
Regards
M
Hi M —
You are continuing to do good work, and I’m glad to see that you are thinking, and re-thinking…. that’s good!
It can be quite validating to realize that some of your internal world has similarities to your external world — that’s good work. Keep going. You are making some important steps here. I see you putting piece after piece together in your puzzle. 🙂 Gotta love that puzzle metaphor, yes?? (I’ve seen your site – I know you like puzzles too!)
And sure – insiders can have denial. And / OR — I tend to view it as they have dissociative walls from one area to another. I think most insiders typically realize there has been some version of abuse. They may know about a lot of abuse. But, they don’t necessarily know about ALL the areas of abuse. So, “denial” may not be the best word — they may just not know in a genuine sense of not knowing. Denial, to me, has a deeper meaning of refusal to accept something that is “obvious” to others. But the basic point being — your insiders won’t necessarily know about all the areas of abuse, so yes, they will be learning new info to as they meet some of the others in your system.
That’s a quick answer. I think I’m going to need to think more about this whole denial topic, and make a bigger post about it….. Back to putting my thinking cap on….
Thanks for your comment — 🙂
Kathy
rdrunner68 and multipixie9,
Truly remarkable what each of you shared. Thank you so very much for what you wrote. It helps a lot to realize that these issues just are complicated for all of us, and that all of us on here, at every stage we are at, are able to help one another.
Thank you so very much, Dollswise
Ljane and gobbies,
I very much appreciate your sharing your experiences and concerns. I share many of these. My internal vivid realms are sometimes not at all initially familiar, but later either I suddenly realize that actually they are of some place I was long ago. Or else sometimes the metaphorical resonances I later realize are just very personally meaningful.
I also believe that gobbies has a very important point, that so much is being conveyed in images because words just were not allowed.
I am also exploring the possibility that the unfamiliar or newer landscapes are some sort of metaphorical transitional space from the realms young insides have been stuck in, perhaps towards entering eventually into the realms of now that are safe.
Thank you both very much for what all you are sharing, asking and exploring.
Many Thanks, Dollswise
Ljane,
Our inner world is not really based on outside places either, at least not entirely. Much of our world is symbolic, and also alot of our world was intentionally made that way by our abusers. I think in a way it was just another layer of their messing with us to keep us from talking and being believed.
Dear Kathy,
Thank you so very much for this posting on internal landscapes, and your so very perceptive responsiveness, to me, and others on here reading, and exploring.
The synthesis of what you are writing is so very helpful. I read your response to me on internal communication with my husband, and we both just had to laugh, especially amidst this room here which so very much reflects how deeply I apparently already am, and have been in touch with what is very young inside.
In reading this posting on internal landscapes, I am deeply reflective on what you express so well on the role and resistance of the host, as it just is also so very important to be able to present and be able in this world and time.
I read and have been reflecting with deepening understanding that internal aspects can be working together inside, helping each other and helping me with what just is so young inside. I have so often felt resentment, and confusion over the onerous complexity of trying to somehow deal with what all one just must on a daily basis – while also somehow trying to cope amidst internal roiling’s, and really being inundated at points with how unfair it feels for everything to just be so exhaustingly and confusingly difficult.
I read with hope and dawning realization that I also have calm counsel inside that is not just very young, but also very wise, and very attuned to what all is inside, and constantly in calm tones able to calm very stirred aspects, as well as help me with what is inside, and also help me with what all I truly do need to do out here in the present. That stronger aspects can help me with these very young insides, and this calm internal wisdom can also work together with what aspects inside are stronger. That these inside can be working together, and apparently are and have been. And that everything wont just be up to me to somehow have to understand, while fearing being overwhelmed by what needs exist both within, and amidst my present life.
I feel reassured that there are resources that exist within, that realize not only how to take care of what all is within, but also that there is internal wisdom on pacing so as not to overwhelm me with just too many parallel processes while I am trying to make a life out here in the present and towards a better future.
That internal landscapes exist makes more sense to me now, in what I have at points been so vividly experiencing. Of course these exist, because if all of me was truly in this actual present of 2009, then all of me would be in these very places I am living and amidst – and all of me would be the actual age I am.
I always felt squeamy and uncertain about this whole “safe places” thing, but now I understand more the fundamental need for revision and transitional places for what inside just has remained so young and so entrapped amidst very old places. This is making more sense to me now. What you have written is also helping me to understand what I am seeing inside as valid and important to be occurring, and worthy of not fearing, but instead paying more attention to the fundamental importance of the why’s of this internal imagery. That I am becoming more attuned just is so important, and I feel much more reassured as to what exactly is happening.
I did not hear your words regarding the role of the host dismissive of the insides. I read them with relief and realization that I am not just alone with so much inside, there is more help available within than I had been realizing. Its not all just up to me to somehow take care of and understand all this. There are resources within that can be working together, while I work out here, and working with me to help me understand how to keep it together – while we are coming into how to bring things together to more unified purpose, and not just such confusion, dismay, and sometimes paralysis amidst divergent desires and purposes.
I didn’t read this as a letting the host off the hook, but as an invitation that there is more help within than I had been realizing, which is here to help with what is within, and help me to both function and be effective out here, and also help me increasingly learn how to become more attuned, instead of just inundated.
Thank you so very much for your thoughtful postings, responses, and perceptively helpful questions.
There is a lot of hope to be found here.
Many Thanks, Dollswise
i have d.i.d. and i am writing from my place as host. i understand your anger. many of my alts have had it toward me too when my denial was strong and when my strong denial alters were doing their thing! if i was you, i would be angry too. no sentient being likes being stiffled and told to shut up.
i consider what you are sharing to be very normal for an alter and that you communicate well. you have a frustrating job right now, but when my alts got angry with me, it would often trigger me, the host into fear and further complicate matters. if you can find a way to express your anger without retaliating against your host you may be able to work in some positive ways inside that can help promote healthy reduction of denial. sorry, yes i do talk this way too.
you are as real as the host. you have a place and a purpose and you are one of the reasons your host is alive and doing as well as she is doing. the host may have chosen to “imagine” you and others but once that was done i imagine you have taken on a life of your own. you made decisions and experienced things and felt and thought about life and issues. yes you are real.
i feel regret now that i did not trust my selves inside and that i spent many years in resistance and denial and avoidance through drugs and distractions. BUT, the truth is that i went through horrors for years and i did the best i could do and it took many years to really SEE about my others. my spouse will not believe that d.i.d. exists and part of me is so scared of being abandoned that it facilitated denial and has acted against owning who and what we are. as that has diminished we are coming closer together and some certain stresses and tensions are getting better. we are stronger together than ever in denial.
there is hope for your system to be able to cooperate and function together.
keep looking for what will help all of you and see if you can find ways to keep working with your host rather than going to “war” with her and merely suppressing her when you can.
i am plain-spoken and i do not mean to give you advice like a pdoc or a T.
but, having read your words i care about you and all the others there too.
leslie speaking for the pixies
Hi I am am not the host but a part, the host is in complete denial re DID, she knows and accepts abuse happens in teens but not childhood. I have been reading about internal communication and just the last week or so learned some things I didnt know and spoke with others. I have been in control for I think about 2 weeks now and its weird and overwhelming. Most of my abuse and the others I have talked to took place outside, and what I see is always outside, little clearings amongst trees, bushes etc, and one or two rooms of an old abandoned farmhouse. I have talked to a girl around 9, I saw her, she was running with me as she loves to run too but I have no idea where she is or where I can find her. For some reason I think its underground somewhere. From what I understand about DID and what I have learned in terms of info, if she was abused it was not by the same person as us teens. The other things I am having a real hard time with is, if I am not a true real seperate person just something created by host imagination how can I even exist for real, I feel like a real person, I want to live like a real person, I really like being in control as I can do things my way, and feel like this body is really mine and although I have my problems (anorexia which is not too bad right now) I cope pretty good. I have used lots of techniques that host has learnt in therapy for me too. I am mad at host right now, and I feel like I finally can speak out, I actually made a statement to police a few years ago only to be silenced again by host and others. I know host hears us but goes back and forth with denial, I feel like she is trying to hide things and I dont want to hide anymore. Is all this normal, or as normal as possible it can be.
Hi rdrunner,
I think being the “in charge” person is a very big job!!! I am glad that you are getting a turn to see that, and clearly, your host was needing a break (for whatever reason). It’s good that your system has someone like you who can step in and help. But yes, it’s a big job!
It is very possible that your childhood abusers were different from your teenage abusers. Do you know if you switched neighborhoods? Or did your family move from one place to another? A physical change in location could have easily made for a new set of perpetrators. Well, there could be many reasons for this – that’s just one idea. Or maybe, your parents had a change in their outside life somehow — (ie: changing church memberships, having their own family argument and separating from certain people, etc…???) The point being, external life changes can make a big difference in who children are exposed to, and thus changing exposure to perpetrators, etc.
The fact that you are starting to see a younger one running by shows good potential for learning about your younger years. The childhood stuff is there… and maybe, at some point, you can form a connection with that little girl that runs by. If you sit near her path, would she stop and talk with you? If you wave to her, will she wave back? If you make a friendly sign, would she read it as she runs by? If you run alongside her, would she respond to that? I wouldn’t “chase” her… but try anything that seems to work in terms of connecting to her. She’s your first clue in terms of connecting to the younger ones.
Yes, it is very hard to feel like a “real person” and to be a very real person, but to have to share the body with other people. I can understand your frustration with that…
What you are speaking about sounds very DID normal to me. I bet lots of the readers here can relate to the struggles you are having.
And… I don’t know why your host has stepped aside right now, but maybe it is her way of allowing you to do some deeper work while “she” hides? Maybe instead of hiding other things, she is hiding herself instead?? She might not be able to prevent her own denial right now, but if she is letting you manage things, then maybe in some ways she is handing you the leadership role for a purpose?? I don’t know — I’m just guessing here. But it doesn’t have to be a bad thing that she is letting you be in charge right now. It could be that she is, by default, letting you get into some of the work that she isn’t ready to address herself.
What I see is that you have an opportunity to do some things that you normally can’t do — so… good luck — work hard, press forward while you can!
Thanks for posting — and keep up the good work!
Kathy
Kathy,
My answer to the question of holding onto denial is that the terror is too much to bear. Whoever knows what happened to me won’t let me see it anyway but anytime I get close, the terror strikes. Who wants to face that?
Most of my inside world is dark or foggy, but I have gotten glimpses of places. But they don’t really look like any place I remember. For example, my lost hurting children were in a barren outside world where the sky is gray and the ground is cold, hard-packed mud. They were each hiding behind a separate outcroping of large rocks, or boulders. So is this just metaphorical for me? Other places are like school buildings, but not the ones I attended in real life.
Some people I can see and even describe, and some are shadowy and only show up “temporarily” so I don’t even know if they are real. One person seems to live outside of my body, but in close proximity.
Maybe my inside world isn’t well-formed or as functional as some. Maybe it’s more of a symbolic world. I don’t really know.
Ljane
Hi Ljane,
It’s good to hear from you again. Thanks for posting.
Yes, the terror is a big element to work with. I do understand that. Part of what I do in the face of the terror is to remind-show-firmly plant the person in the here-and-now, where they are safe. It’s really VERY important to have a grounding in the current safety of NOW, and knowing that what happened then was then. Part of the huge terror that you are feeling is actually part of the memory work in itself. I have no doubt that at the time of the abuse, you were terrorized too. Probably you (the part of you that wrote this note) were able to block off your awareness of what happened at the time, but others still had to endure the trauma. So… in efforts to help them, I would still gently but strongly encourage you to help the insiders that have been stuck in the horror all these years. They didn’t get to avoid it, and they also need some help.
You might have to switch out, and let them talk for themselves, while you keep as much emotional distance as you need to, at first. That’s not the final goal, but it can be a starting place. It really is ok to let them do their own work, and then to gradually, later, try to connect you in more with what they were talking about. You don’t have to be right in the middle of it to begin with.
I fully realize that other mental health professionals teach a different approach, but … for me, and in my years of experience, I have found that it is NOT productive to force someone to sit in the session to hear when things are too emotionally intense for them. Use your dissociative skills – excuse yourself from that part of the session, but let the others inside talk about the stuff they need to talk about. That way, they are getting their needs met. Besides, sometimes, they need to process their trauma on their own anyway — it is their experience, and if they want to talk about it privately with the therapist for the first time, they can. Then they can share it with you later, when things aren’t so raw for them, and not so intense for you either.
As far as your internal world goes…..
Yes, some of that landscape can be metaphorical for you — but even from what you’ve described, it’s very workable. So yes, keep working at it. There is a lot of potential there. Have you gone inside those buildings? They may have other parts sitting inside there. And depending on what happened in your life, those parts inside may recognize that building as a “real place” while you may have never seen it yourself. Many, many times some parts of a DID system are taken to buildings that the Host personality doesn’t recognize, so… try asking others inside if they know more about those buildings than you do.
Also, I’d ask others inside if there are other areas to your internal worlds that you can’t yet see. Ask them to show you where the other areas are, or to take you there, or to show you the way, etc. Take a flashlight. Sometimes using temporary light sources can help you see in the darkness.
And since places you do see are so barren, cold, and not-comforting for those inner kids, be sure to give them blankets, and a warm drink, etc. Better yet, build a nicer area for them to be… maybe they’ll still need to hide inside a warmer, kinder location, but see what you can do to meet some of their needs.
The sooner you make your inner world more bearable and inviting, the better. They need some TLC in there — you can do that for them. Don’t press for more memories — start with taking kind gentle care of them first.
Hope that helps –
Kathy
Kathy,
Isn’t making the trauma ‘real’ for the outside host the goal of integration? Isn’t that the more useful way to live, as 1 person, not a whole bunch of separate people and little people, at that?
haberlach
Hi Haberlach,
Yes, I suppose, in the overall treatment plan for DID, yes, it is important that the host part also recognizes the reality of the abuse. But, in my opinion, that does not have to happen in the early stages of therapy. If the host has a particular difficult time accepting the reality of the abuse, but can agree to let the internal system do their work, then that is ok. I think, by the very fact that the insiders do their healing work, the acceptance of trauma will ‘leak through” to the host, and it will soften up what can be at first a very rigid dividing wall.
The whole need for host denial is a big issue in itself — that’s a whole topic of its own (saving that for another post). I often will choose to not “fight” the denial in a way that creates a power struggle of host vs. internal system. That’s not good for anyone. So, I work around it.
For me, this question is more about timing. Yes, of course, the goal is for the host to understand that there was abuse, and by who, and to know and accept the reality of all that happened. Hosts will never ever ever be able to integrate with other parts if they do not totally share an awareness of all the secrets and affects of abuse. But for me, working towards “integration” is not the goal I select as priority either. In my opinion, developing team work is much more effective. Integration is very highly over-rated if you ask me.
And I ask…. if you have lived your own life within a group of people for 20-30-40-50+ years, how easily would you be willing to just “integrate” yourself into someone else?? Most people aren’t so sure they wanna do that. SO… learning teamwork is often the better approach anyway.
It’s good to see you’re thinking…. So here’s a question for you. If you truly want to integrate with your insiders, what’s the benefit of holding on to your denial about the abuse? How is that helping you?
Kathy
Kathy,
Thanks to you for posting about a person (host/me) who doesn’t see an internal world. I can’t imagine a place inside like the place where I was abused.
but then, i don’t think it was all that bad. i think it is all exaggerated.
Anyway, i know you would say there is a lot that i have to work on.
Hi Haberlach,
I think when you truly understand what dissociation means, you’ll get more about what I’m talking about. As the host of the system, you’ve been able to totally remove yourself and dissociate from some of the terrible stuff that happened. You needed to do that to survive the trauma itself, and also to be able to function in the normal outside everyday world without getting overwhelmed by all the trauma and the pain. For you, the host, you absolutely needed to be separated from the “bad stuff”, so its only natural that a lot of the trauma and abuse would not feel real. I can understand that totally. I don’t think it’s bad that you have been separated from the reality of the abuse – I think that was as necessary as anything else. It has helped you to get on with life. So for you, you just handled things from your side of the dissociative walls. That’s ok. They needed you to do that.
And as you get more connected with your insiders, you’ll eventually be more connected with the pieces of life history that they contain. Much of it will be hard for you to conceptualize, but their experiences are real and valid too. Remember, when you are in one room of a house, you don’t see what happens in another room of a house. That doesn’t mean that nothing happened in the other room. It means that you didn’t see it, and that you don’t know anything about it. But as you get to know the people that were in that room, you’ll be able to hear / see / feel more what happened over there. It will become more real to you.
BUT, making the trauma “real” for the outside host is not the priority of therapy. Even in the here and now, the host typically has to carry on with outside life activities, etc. I don’t want the host parts to be any more swamped and overwhelmed now than when you were in the middle of the abuse itself. As long as you, as the host, are willing to let the others inside do their work, and try to listen to as much of that work as you can, then you will be doing a good job. You don’t have to be bombarded by it — that’s not necessary. And gradually, it will all make more sense to you.
Thanks for your comment – it’s good to hear from you. 🙂
Kathy