Child parts come in all shapes and sizes – small, tall, skinny, short, chunky, pristine, messy, filthy, princess-like, raggedy, male, female, quiet, noisy, screaming, crying, silent, confused, dazed, sleepy, busy, playful, happy, sad, angry, fearful, bouncing, babyish, stiff, awkward, hurting, numb.
As different as they are, they all have similar qualities. They are typically some of the oldest, most knowledgeable members of your system.
Say what??
If they are the youngest parts of your system, how can they be the oldest?
Let me explain.
For example, if you split off a 5-year-old child part when you (and the body) were a literal age 5, and you are now age 35, that child part has been around for 30 years. Even though that little one might not have aged during that time, they may very well have seen or participated in many of your life’s events over the past 30 years. Being around for 30 years means they are one of your oldest parts. They could contain 30 years worth of memories, information, emotions, relationships, etc.
Child-aged parts do not have to be split off when the body was young, but many of them were. They will be very much aware of many of your life’s events. They will remember who many of the people are, and they will know who else from your system was involved in activities of the time. They lived through all the various years, so their ability to know and remember can be impressive.
Child parts will also, of course, retain much of the trauma information from your early years of life. People are at their most natural dissociative ability when under age 7 – the same years when they are also the most physically vulnerable, small, and defenseless.
For young children, almost every single person in the whole wide world is bigger, stronger, and smarter than they are. Children are at the mercy of the adults around them, and when those adults are sadistic – cruel – vicious, children have to find a way to cope. Being physically unable to defend themselves, and typically not given the option to literally leave abusive environments, children can “leave” in their minds, even if they can’t leave with their feet.
During the crisis moments of the actual trauma, dissociative splitting is incredibly helpful. Going far away inside when you cannot go far away outside at least gives most of the person a fighting chance to be in a place to be as far away from the trauma as possible.
But it is sad, massively sad.
These child parts were split off because there was no other help for them. There was no other way out for them. There was no other safety for them. There was no other protection, no other escape for their pain, and all too often, there was no other comfort for their heartbreak and emotional conflict.
The very first time you see your child parts, they may very well be locked into the same state where they were split off. They may still be trapped in that “time zone” of the original trauma, and they may or may not know that years of time have gone by. They may present with the same injuries, messiness, blood, and gore that they experienced at the time of their trauma. Or they may manifest in metaphorical pictures of what they felt like during their trauma, or in the aftermath.
Most of a dissociative survivor’s internal kid parts were split off to deal with trauma-based situations, so unless you had a happy childhood, don’t expect to find bunches of happy child parts.
Because these little young ones are the foundation of your multiplicity, it is very important for the older leaders and hosts of the system to understand that so much of your healing revolves around meeting the needs of these children frozen in time.
Each time a little part of you had to split off and stay stuck in that their trauma, a piece of you – the overall person – was unable to grow up in a healthy, safe, productive manner. And honestly, until their young needs are met in a safe manner, the inner kids will stay there, exactly as their abusers left them.
The good news is that as you meet the needs of these child parts, they will naturally progress on their own.
Many mental health professionals use age progression techniques to “make the kids grow up quickly.” I have a different perspective on that. First of all, I do not think that snapping the fingers and magically saying (or hypnotically suggesting) that kids parts grow older means that the kids can actually get older. I am sure they will try their darndest to do that. But I doubt that they will be able to maintain that kind of suggested aging.
In my opinion, the child parts are frozen in these young ages for a reason.
They were not safe enough to move forward in life, and their entire development was arrested on the spot. Pay attention to that. Listen to them. Look at their appearance. Have empathy for their emotional state. All this information means something. They are telling you exactly where they were, what was happening, and why they are stuck there.
If a real child, in the outside world, was standing in front of you, and looked like that, what would you do for that child?
How would you help an outside child to overcome a current-day trauma?
Use those same exact skills to help your inner children.
As you tend to all their unmet needs, and give your child parts the healthy, positive, comforting response they needed at the time of their splitting, they will be allowed to move forward from the place they were stuck.
If your child parts need safety, protect them from whatever they are afraid of.
If your child parts need food, feed them.
If your child parts need a drink, give them something safe to drink.
If child parts need a chance to play, let them have fun.
If your child parts need to learn and develop their intellect, let them try new things and develop more skills.
Figure out what they have been lacking for genuine growth and development, and give it to them.
Create positive, healing experiences for your child parts. As you give them what they were missing in the first place, they will automatically, naturally grow older. They won’t stay “stuck” as they are once their needs are being met. They will progress. They will learn. They will expand their vocabulary. They will find new skills and develop greater mastery.
This creates natural age progression. Your internal child parts can mature the same as any outside child would. It is a much more realistic way of helping your inner kids to grow up. It is real. Genuine. It’s not going to fall apart at the first hint of stress.
Magical answers are unrealistic. If you want your child parts to progress into healthier parts of you, then let them experience life in such a way that they can naturally grow up on their own. 
However, growing up and maturing doesn’t automatically mean your child parts will get older.
More about that and ideas about how, where, when to do all this will be presented in future writings.
I wish you the best in your healing journey.
Warmly,
Kathy
Copyright © 2008-2020 Kathy Broady MSW and Discussing Dissociation
There is a kid that I know and she irritates me to no end. She’s not needy. She’s just stupid. She is so freakin’ cheery when there is shit everywhere else. But, I once rescued her from another small person who is batshit nuts. So, you need to do what’s right, even if the person is a pain. And, speaking of pain, this “none” should mind her own business. She’s outside the town in which I live. She ought to stay there.
Hi All,
ZZMICH I just wanted to give you a shout out. The community has jumped in here with some great insights and comments. I hope that you will take this as encouragement to keep writing here. We understand your journey and want to help in whatever way that we can.
Serene – so happy to meet you. It sounds like you are very helpful with your insiders. When you look at it, isn’t it kind of nice to have a happy and cheerful insider? Maybe they helped you all survive in their own way. I found it helpful to start asking my insiders who they are, what purpose they serve and what we can do to help one another. All of the insiders are there for a reason and I suspect just want to help in their way even when their way seems strange to you. Maybe one day you might even want to talk with “none”. I’ll bet that you all have more in common then you think. In the meantime, I am just so glad that you are here!
ME+WE
03/01/2018
Hi, Serene. Thanks for standing up for someone in need. That is really brave, especially if the person you helped isn’t your favorite. I wish I were as brave as you.
When we’re trying to figure out how to treat insiders, we try the “reverse golden rule”: Do unto yourself as you would do unto others. We tend to be nicer to others than to ourselves. We’re trying to change that by reading about and practicing self-compassion. After about a year, it’s starting to help. Yay!
Thank you, both! T. Clark, I bet you’re braver than you recognize. You’re already treating yourself better.
ME + WE, you seem so positive and welcoming.
I am not big on having friends, but I want to acknowledge the kindness you each exhibited.
Peace.
Hello T. Clark!
Ooooooo! I like that!….the “reverse Golden Rule”…..that’s it!! That is a reason I can use when I am having trouble being “nice” to myself…..I’m practicing the “reverse Golden Rule”!……that is a more “legitimate” reason than me struggling with trying to find a reason why I ought to “deserve” something…….
I have problems with even acknowledging child parts….still don’t know the answer to that one yet….but I DID find out about one! The ice cream one! His fascination and joy with ice cream began to intrigue me…..so I did some “soul searching”….trying to narrow down “where” he might have come from…….I knew that people would laugh and comment on how excited and fidgety I was with ice cream….so I got wondering why……
I kind of “threw out” different time frames in my life (mostly adult – don’t remember much childhood stuff) to see if anything felt like it connected to him….a kid’s birthday party? an ice cream social I went to? buying ice cream at a store?….nothing felt like it connected…so I waited to see if he would show me……
Suddenly up bubbled a memory of sitting in the back seat of a car, my face pressed against the window…excitedly waiting for the person to bring out the tray of root beer floats in frosted glass mugs……Daddy had taken us all to Twin Kisses in MD for root beer floats….the best root beer float I have ever tasted….I still remember the taste!…..All was well with the world with a root beer float….I was 3 years old……
So – I no longer had to see him as me having to deal with a “needy” part……I was simply stepping into a rare joy I had as a child…and forgotten……the simple love of ice cream…….
It was one of a bare handful of “fun” memories I have from childhood…..most of the time I was afraid of my father….but a root beer float made life less scary for a few minutes…..so THAT’S where he came from……that intense need to feel “safe” and “happy” somehow connected to ice cream….and created my little ice cream boy…….
The other parts still scare me…..but this one?…..I think I can meet him where he is at……in fact, my therapist and I are planning on eating ice cream at my next session!!!…. How cool is that!!!……. My big step toward connecting with my child parts!…… And onward I go!……
So ZZMICH….maybe there just might be a child part in there somewhere who you find likes what you like….and you can start from there….who knows?…….I can actually out-eat my 6′ 270 lb husband in ice cream (that’s why I had to back off from buying it a long time ago!)….he can’t figure how I do it….I am way littler than him…….what I am trying to say is..so far for me…ice cream is the only thing about child parts right now that I am not afraid of…..maybe there might be a similar situation for you……….
Hi All,
I respect that you are “not big on having friends” Serene so maybe we can just be fellow travelers who give each other a hand once and a while. 😉
And T.Clark – I am with Deb – the “reverse Golden Rule” idea is marvelous! When I read your posting I hooted out loud and then went “wow how perfect is that idea”! Thanks. You always have something wonderful to offer here T.Clark. I really value your input to our community.
Oh and Deb … your memories of root beer floats … that really spoke to me. Chuckled when I read about you out eating your husband in the ice cream department. I have one little one who really LOVES ice cream. I need to do what you have done and see if there is a “why” for that. Curiously, my parents would always say (in a deriding manner until very recently actually –it is an annual event to remind me about all of the things that I did being an ungrateful and difficult child) that I would “cry with an ice cream cone in my hand”. Hum … me thinks I need to explore that a bit more. Thanks for the prompt Deb.
ME+WE
03/03/2018
Oh my! Crying with an ice cream in your hand sounds so, so heartbreaking…….I hope your “exploring” helps to bring some understanding and healing to that….Good luck!
Hello Kennedy!
Thank you for your suggestions…..I don’t have any outside kids either…..so trying to figure out how to take care of little Inside ones is new territory for me……will have to see which ones I can try to work on “rules” with…….but I guess that means I have to get to know them better before I can even figure out a rule for them……
You mentioned about “helpers” to help with the kids……I know I have “helper” ones….but their focus is for my Outside job….when I am struggling with triggers or something…they keep my body moving so I don’t get in trouble for not completing my work in time………
There is a lot of internal effort to help keep me steady and functioning on the outside so I don’t lose my job….but there are still rough moments….and some young ones are very often “in my face” needing me to find out if I did everything right…or did i miss something….they do NOT like compliments (don’t trust them)…..but they are desperate to know if they are “OK” or not…..whatever that means…..it can get me into some “pickles” at work….hard to get out of……..
Crafts or toys or games????? Have no idea of anything like that…..they seem to be more focused on trying to find out if they are OK…..so I guess with most of them, the direction I would need to start out with would be to create a safe place for them…..but that is very hard when I struggle myself with not knowing what a sense of safety feels like.
Give them a distraction??…….Will have to think on that one……there must be a particular group whose job it is to “watch” me on my job to make sure I do all that I am supposed to do….so they will be “OK”……
Again!…..thank you for your suggestions…..gives me several angles to work from and see how it goes…..
I am probably at the very bottom line here….still trying to figure out who is there and what their job is…….learning the “landscape”……….
I am 47 and only just learned i had DID six weeks ago. My head is so noisy all of a sudden, like learning this gave a bunch of parts inside my head free ride to explode. I want nothing to do with any child parts. They would all disgust me bc i want nothing to do w any one that would be needy or wanting or act young. I’ve spent my whole life carefully controlling who sees what and i want nothing to do with dirty needy little kids. When i see people name them or write from that place it freaks me out bc i would die before i let any little kids take over. They might be noisy or wanting to hug my therapist or tell her they like her. I can’t handle all that. I was ritually sexually abused in nursery school and abused by my mother, brother and other adults. I feel nothing when i think about them but i always want to die. I’ve had no life. I want to die all the time. I hurt myself all the time. I never sleep, i refuse to sleep when its dark out bc i just wake up in terror. I have no one and even my t is new and not super consistent. I don’t think i’ll ever get better and want to live. Its all just impossible. I don’t know, now knowing i have DID just makes me feel even more like a freak. I think its too late for me, i’ve had 47 years of shit and i have no idea how to make it better no matter how hard i try. Even my old therapists said i worked harder then anyone they knew but i couldn’t get better. They had no idea i had DID either. But all the horrible things just keep turning over and over in my mind but nothing helps. It just feels hopeless.
Hey ZZMICH,
Welcome to Discussing Dissociation. And gosh…. welcome to the world of learning about DID.
It can be quite frightening and upsetting when you first get diagnosed…. but hold tight, because while it is difficult, no doubt — it really can get better. It really can.
But…. ZZMICH, I wanna help with one thing for sure. I promise you a million times over, your life will feel calmer and less chaotic if you are kind, gentle, accepting, comforting of your little ones. The more you push them away and “neglect their pain” (same as you’ve experienced most your life, it seems), the more your little ones will struggle, and feel suicidal, act out, be chaotic, etc.
Those little insiders need your help and they need comfort, and safety, and all kinds of “normal” things that kids who feel hurt need. It’s a big shift to make, but it will definitely be worth your time and effort.
Hold tight, and keep reading. There’s lots to learn!
Warmly,
Kathy
When I read you reply, Kathy, all I could hear inside was a big YES from everybody.
I was diagnosed some 25 years ago and was in pretty much the same place you are ZZMICH. AND I was feeling like you describe things. But when everybody got to know each other and feel protected by each other things got better very quickly. It took time and patience, but became an interesting adventure, too.
Most of the time now, there’s just internal chit-chat and conversations–there are bad days, of course, but it’s nothing like it was. So, please don’t give up ZZMICH.
I
t’s so good that you found this site!
Ollie
2/28/18
Lots of people in this community care about your pain, ZZ Mich. It makes total sense to us that you would feel this way toward your Littles. Diagnosed last year at 45 and now working with these parts even as other parts are repulsed as you and Kennedy have experienced.
It has helped our system to stop all memory-work. Even in therapy. No traumatic memories are revisited. And they won’t be until Little parts learn to be in the present. It’s taking a loooong time, yes. Memories still leak out. And then we try to be grounded in the present: use our current bodily senses.
We totally get how you would think abused parts are dirty. Those are memories. Look at a picture of someone else’s little. Is that little dirty for being abused? No? Than neither are your littles. Does that outside Little need help? Yes. So why not yours? Habit? Habits can change. We care about you. 3/1/18
Hi ZZMICH,
When I read your post, I felt like it could have been written by me, 5 years ago. I was diagnosed DID when I was 48. I was also ritually sexually abused and my mother was one of my many abusers. When I first started reading this site ( and others) shortly after being diagnosed, I was in freak out mode because people talked about their parts and parts had names and were communicating in the forums, and they bought things for their parts and talked about hugging parts and internal safe places. And yes, it totally freaked me out. It made me angry. I hated seeing and reading it. I wanted no part of it. I didn’t want to acknowledge my parts or that I even had parts. I didn’t want to know or talk to my parts – let alone anyone else’s. I especially hated the needier parts. I also felt like I would never let my child parts out and felt disgusted by them. Lots of shame around having parts and being DID. I felt completely overwhelmed at the time. Some days it took effort just to breathe. I also self-harmed – especially at first when child parts were opening up to my therapist. I was a sort of punishing myself for allowing those parts to speak and be heard. It was a vicious cycle that I needed to learn to manage and thankfully my therapist knew how to pace things. She describes it like a gas pedal and a brake pedal in therapy and we talked a lot in the beginning about pacing.
5 years later, at 53, I can assure you, it does get better. But in all honesty, it will only get better when you start to communicate with your parts. It doesn’t have to be actual communication. It can be visualization. The very first time I ever communicated with one of my needy young parts was when she had total panic at night before bed. And I wanted to crawl out of my skin to get away from her and the feelings I was feeling and the things I was hearing from her. But, instead of pacing around my house and turning on all the lights and going into panic mode myself, I asked her what she needed to feel better, and she said underpants. So, I visualized giving her a pair of underwear and pajamas with pants instead of a nightgown. And that part became quiet and settled. Sometimes it is much simpler than you think to meet their needs.
I don’t communicate with my parts like that all the time. A lot of time I still just try to ignore them. Old habits are hard to change. And I sometimes feel resentful about having to meet their needs- because they don’t really feel like my needs, at all. I don’t want to have to deal with and parent parts of me. But they are parts of me, so they are my needs, even if I don’t want to admit it or acknowledge it. But, in the end, ignoring the child parts always makes things worse. And while I was so terribly ashamed of my needy child parts, and thought I would never let them interact in the world, what I have learned is I was losing time and they were coming out and interacting with others in ways that were very dangerous to me – because they were so needy. So I thought I was keeping them a secret, but I wasn’t really.
So I have worked very hard on trying to meet their needs when I can, and actually letting my therapist help meet their needs in ways that she can and is comfortable with. And things really calm down inside when those needy child parts have their needs met. And when they are calm inside, I can function better and have a life.
There is hope. Just keep taking one day, one moment at time. Work at accepting your parts in tiny areas first, around things that aren’t hard for you to acknowledge and accept. Gradually you’ll come to hear their stories , get to know them, and appreciate their strengths. And when you aren’t spending all your mental and emotional energy fighting them or trying to deny them and keep them a secret, you’ll have energy for you again and you’ll be able to life life more fully.
Things do get better! 🙂
Hi ZZMICH,
We have a young man in our system that hated our little people. I mean HATED. The people who abused us abused him the most. He was required to hate the others. He thought their smell was evil and would do all he could to keep them locked away. He punished them and frightened them constantly. He is now our biggest protector. I know that sounds like hogwash but he screamed out his thoughts and emotions in person and in writing to our T. He talked privately with our T for well over a year before he decided to *try* to see the other insiders differently. In small steps he started to change. Over time he started seeing through the lies he was constantly told (by the abusers). After some time, some of the other insiders that held parts of the same memories started showing him their parts of those memories which widened his perspective. Which, in turn, made him aware that it was not our littles who were to blame or to hate. His stance was understandable given what he’d gone through and why he felt he must do his job of keeping them silent. Like I said, he is now our biggest protector. He watches everything and everyone with particular attention to keeping us safe inside and outside.
I read your post and thought of our protector and what he went through to get to where he is now. I dont know if it’s similar to your situation but it was an intuitive response from me. I hope something in my response helps you.
I feel like I am entering into another realm here…..read some about “parenting” child parts before…but it basically just “bounced” off me…..couldn’t even remember what I read……..for some reason this time it hit me with “panic”……..it somehow connected with a part called “It” who got majorly triggered…..I have felt the effects of “It” my whole life…..”It” is neuter….no gender….does not (nor even wants to) identify with any gender……even “brain” acknowledging that my body is physically female is something I can only take a “split second glance” at…..it is too, too hard and too, too overwhelming…..but science is science……for some reason the idea of needing to “parent” child parts sent me internally reeling……don’t know which way to go from there……..
I have just realized that the “It” perspective I have always functioned in (can’t figure out how I even got married…..only that I was “supposed to”….) is probably a “Protector” part (I guess…)…..in It’s panic I caught a split second glimpse of a group of young ones that were “hidden” behind it…..wow, wow!…..don’t know what to do with any of that…..just take a breath….and start researching about protector parts……..
Hi Deb,
I am so glad that you are writing. I often panic after I write here too. I think that I say too much or reveal too much (i.e., what other folks do not want to hear) or I will not be heard (i.e., do not deserve to be heard) … well, just a whole bunch of negative thoughts from (my past). This is the place for us to practice new skills and that includes finding our voices and expressing ourselves. Like T.Clark said:
“We def need each other here. Peoples, we are all stronger than anyone outside can know. Let’s just sit in awe of our bravery in making community. Yay, us!”
Hum … you do seem to be working some important stuff with “It”. Certainly something to explore with your T (re: panicking at the idea of parenting the children within). Seeing young ones hidden behind “It” may mean that they are a protector part. Building communication with “It” will certainly help. If there are little ones there, just welcome them to come out when they are comfortable to do so. At one point I found a whole bunch of people down the beach where my little one’s live. I panicked at the time thinking that they were all of these insiders waiting to come out but now I think that they just represented important points in my history that the little ones stored there. Not sure if that makes any sense but basically they were memories rather than insiders.
I create safe places for the little ones and continually tell them that I love them and that I want to hear them and help them. The ones that I have built a relationship with, I hold them and cuddle them, read to them, do crafts with them and play music for them. One I take shopping (she LOVES to shop … I HATE shopping). I take her to the Dollar Store (everything is a dollar). Some times others will join us. One of my little boys loves to build so I have Lego for him (at home and in my T’s office) and my husband has set up a work bench with some of my dad’s tools for him. An older boy loves the woods so we try and go there. Basically, just trying to being open, welcoming and loving with them, hearing what they want to tell me (and how they want to tell me which is often body memories, visions, sensations in smell and taste, etc.) and doing things to soothe them or make them happy in some way.
I know that it can be scary, frustrating and oh so confusing trying to sort out who is who in your system especially when you do not know all of them (you probably will not know all of them when you first start out). As I have said elsewhere, I had a new insider pop out in therapy a couple of weeks ago. I thought that I knew everyone in my system and then – there she was! Looking back at it now, I can see how she was out at different times or was trying to tell me that she was there. Wow did a whole lot of pieces find their place in my puzzle when I finally saw her. I guess that what I am saying is that, as much as we do not want to find new insiders sometimes, they do hold some of the pieces to our life that are important for us to know if we are ever to feel whole again.
With positive thoughts and a big smile watching you grow!
ME+WE
02/26/2018
Thank you, Me + We,
Was battling again that I had said “too much”…….glad you (and ya’ll) understand……I read how you take care of the young ones and am absolutely in AWE of you…..I don’t even know how to begin doing that….except the one that loves ice cream…..(interesting how so many of the others that I have read have “ice cream ones”, too!)……ice cream must be a universal language to little ones!……I haven’t bought ice cream again (afraid of losing control!)…..but the possibility of it is getting stronger…..guess that is a good direction for me to go to try to step into this……..
I have already let my T know that we have an “It” situation…..have a session tomorrow….so we may branch into that….but even thinking about it makes my Insides quiver……I know that for years I have heard “wailing” and “cries” inside (thought I was imagining things or really “weird”)……don’t know if the ones hidden behind “It” are them or not…..somehow it “felt” like they were “older” than the “wailing ones”……I don’t know….this is such new territory for me……just finally getting to the point that I am acknowledging their existence at least a bit more than “denying” it or calling it my “imagination”……it is a “scary” direction to go on so many levels…….
Weird thing of it is……. even while I say all that and am “seeing” and “hearing” them – which means they must be there…..there are also “areas” that still keep declaring to me it is all my “imagination”……how can it all be so conflicting……whichever direction I DON’T pick then feels all “panicky”……how is that?…..Go figure!!…..Just “brain logic” kicking in or something???…….I don’t know………..
So,,,when it hits me that it IS all real…I try to take steps as I can…..it would be nice if some part DID give me some insight into all this……I try to smile too!!!!…..but sometimes it feels more like a “teeth gritting” smile – if you know what I mean!……but onward I go!!…….
Hi Deb,
Deep breaths … this really is something that you have to go at slowly. As the old saying goes, “the slower you go, the faster you’ll get there.” That really is true here. It takes time and a whole lot of patience, courage and work. You are doing a great job getting to know your system and opening up to the possibilities that are inside. Your insiders will reveal themselves to you when they feel it is right. For me, a big part of the work was building a safe and welcoming place in my heart for them so that they would feel okay to come out with me.
You know, my interactions with my insiders did not happen all at once or quickly. The first insider that I was aware of was my Little Girl. She came blasting out in my head when I was raped at 20 years old. All I heard was this screaming in my head and I felt like I was holding a little girl that was dying. I had absolutely no idea who or what she was at the time. But, after that I would see her living in a cage in my head and often looking out of my eyes and wondering why people did not see her. I just thought that I was imaging things or just plain crazy. I told my first therapist about her but she did not seem to have any idea what it was all about except maybe just something I conjured up to cope.
When I started with my current T (25 years later), I told her about the little girl. After about six months with the new T, Little Girl came out in one of our sessions. Then I knew that she was somehow real in my head. I had absolutely no idea about DID, what that was nor did I have any notion that that might be what was going on with me. I just knew that I had this little girl living in a cage in my head. It broke my heart that she was in the cage. So, as a part of my morning mediation that my T had encouraged me to do (on a beach) I would end up going to the cage to talk to the little girl. Slowly, I worked to a place where she would let me open the door and eventually sit inside the cage and talk to her. In time (I am talking a couple of months here) she came over and sat next to me and took my hand. Eventually, I asked her if she would not like to come out of the cage, that I would really like to make her a nice, safe and cozy place to live. So, we walked through our house (in my mind) and she finally chose a spot where we built a sunshine tent out of sheets for her to curl up in with pillows, blankets and a stuffed dog. Then one day as I started to meditate, I was walking down the path to the beach in my visualization and there was the little girl waiting for me. In time, others showed up on the beach one at a time and that is how I got to know many of my insiders. Some of my insiders live up in the forest. I do not know them very well. I interact with my insiders on the beach, or in the sunshine tent or they just come and talk to me in my everyday life now.
Okay, a long message here but I thought that it might help to hear how I got to know my insiders. It was a slow process, I doubted myself big time for about a year (i.e., was in denial about ANY insiders) but slowly built up to the relationship that I have with them now. I still have a lot to learn but we are growing and healing together more now.
Oh ya … ice cream is a BIG DEAL! My husband took us out for an ice cream today. It was a place where you pick the ice cream flavor and then there are unlimited toppings that you can add to it. WOW … there was some big disagreements going on over that one as you can imagine. Maybe not the best place for us to go to … hahahahaha.
ME+WE
02/27/2018
Me + We,
Thanks again for the encouragement and really thank you for sharing how you came to start seeing your insiders……long messages don’t bother me…..your journey is fascinating….you make it sound so easy and simple to build a sunshine tent…..compassion seems to just flow out of you to them……
Mine kind of unnerve me…..the ones I see are usually either wailing, or collapsing, or “frozen” or have the deer in the headlight look……not sure what is going on…..I did see one little one in a dress and playing jacks….she kept a pink pocketbook near her that had a secret in it….yet she seemed oblivious to what it was….just kept playing jacks…….I saw the ice cream one…..and then the other day the little girl wearing a dress and holding a blow-up beach ball….wondering where everybody went…..weird thing was was there was a “rage-type” part staring at her hard and angry that she was wearing a dress….he hated dresses…….
I’m not sure how to even try to approach wailing, frozen or terrified ones…..figured I needed to start with the ice cream one…..that is an easier one to practice with……plus that one is a “he”……the “girl” ones make me nervous – especially when they are wearing dresses…..it must be “It”s impact on me……preferring to not go in any gender direction……….better to be “neuter” than to feel vulnerable……..
Thanks for the reminder that all this is a slow process……a journey for sure!
Ice cream is good. Maybe you can make a deal with some of your insiders…you buy the ice cream for them and they wait until you are safely home and in a good place where there wont be any problems coming from people outside, then they can have the ice cream. I dont know if they like to draw or paint or do crafts but maybe they would like to. Maybe set something up, colors or paints or whatever, for when they can have the ice cream. Do you have rules for your inside kids? Not big scary ones, just ones like, nobody can drive the car, its too dangerous for littles to go out on their own without adult supervision, etc. Maybe make a list and tell them internally. Giving littles some rules is good so they feel safe.
We dont have outside kids so learning how to take care of inside ones who were traumatized was hard. We have people inside that are helpers. They help the fronts take care of the insiders. You dont have to know everything yourself, I bet you have others that are big enough and want to help inside. I think there are articles on here somewhere saying the main person is just one part of the whole system. Meaning you are just one part of a larger whole, even if your job is to deal with outside and you are the host. If you ask, be quiet and still, and ask inside if there are others around that can talk with you and help you and help with the littles or if they are already doing that maybe you can ask them to tell you how you can be a part of it.
i dont know just suggestions. Maybe every Tuesday at 3pm (any time of your choosing that would work best for you, them, and outside family) the littles can have a treat and be out without fear to do something they can have fun with. giving them something to do when they are scared is good. distraction. and if you dont expect them to give you a whole lot of information but just let them get used to being close to out and you get used to letting them, then maybe you can make friends with them. idk.
we be trying to help the littler kids
some cry all the time
we try to keep the, busy
we try to play but ushally they dont want to play with us
jadie be crying a llot
we been trying to teach her animol names
we watch this show called planet 🌏 earth
it have animaols
but she stuborn.
jadi no birds and kittys and dogys and fishys and horsy thats all
so when we try to tell her a difrent animol jadie still call it a dog or bird or kitty or fish
the fox be a dog the sqreul be a kitty the eagul be a birdy the hippo be a horse
her wont lisin to us if we try to tell her the rite name her say NO
we dont get why her dont lisin
her be very frustrating
we be trying to help her feel beter but all her gona do is be stubrn and fite us no mater what we do
how we ever gona teach her aneything if her wont lisin to us😠
Hi Rachel,
Wow … you sound like a great help with the littles. Keeping them busy and watching animal shows is a great idea. I am sorry that jadi is causing you some frustration. Maybe you could ask jadi why she does not want to listen but just fight with you. Maybe she needs a big hug?
ME+WE
01/12/2018
You know maybe I am to harsh with my little ones as I do not allow them to talk with outsiders except T nor use the internet. Am I to hard on them? They have a great internal world and have time out with me when need to but I have found it causes to many problems for me and other parts plus Hugh Safety issues as well for all of us.
Alisha, if you find a answer please post.
When the very youngest parts are coming out (and causing lost time) to reenact things from the past, like tying our legs to the bed or soiling ourselves, how is it that we are supposed to react to that?
Lately we have taken to wearing things to protect from the latter issue, but what do we do about waking to find the body’s legs tied? It’s troubling!!
Alisha, we usd to wake up and find are ankols tied
or a rists to
he no that wendy will go eat BBQ food with him cuz we dont like it but wendy do. i dont no if i act difrent from mae mabey he thot we the same
next time if he in a good mood i will be braver and say it be me
the uther day that man ask who be spending time with him
we did be at the fair
i did kind of be brave
i tell him it ushally me that spend time with him
but i tell him my name be mae cuz he no her he dont no me
we dont want him to no how meny kids there be
mindy
Hi Mindy,
Maybe…. if he already knows Mae…. maybe he realized he was with somebody different from Mae. Because otherwise why would he be asking who was spending time with him… So I think he figured out that he was with somebody different from who he thinks he is usually with.
And maybe just maybe it could have been ok to say that you are Mindy. Coz he was asking…. so he noticed, and he was interested. That’s a little bit amazing in itself.
Maybe it’s ok to say who you are, Mindy. That’s not saying how many kids there are. That’s just saying there is Mae and Mindy.
It’s very ok to have both a Mae and a Mindy. That’s not too many kids.
It is just how it is.
Just a thought to think about….
Kathy
We moved to a new “old house in the country” and went back into a profession from a few years ago. Good stuff!
Reblogged this on The Life Of Von and commented:
Dissociation happened to so many of us adoptees and sometimes we still use the technique to try to keep ourselves safe. There are times when it might be necessary or useful but we can learn other ways.
Reblogged this on Trauma and Dissociation and commented:
How to understand – and help – child alters in Dissociative Identity Disorder
The kids in the pictures look lots like tuck claire mae and jadie
This post remind me of them
We think it is very ironic that we got this post after our T had tried to do the very thing you described here about snapping their fingers and having a inner child grow up a year on the body’s b-day. It didn’t work. I really like your way of seeing things and it makes so much more sense-genuine. Thank you for this post. I think I will send it to her if that is ok?
Reblogged this on Discussing Dissociation and commented:
Knowing how to work with your child parts is crucial to healing when you are dissociative.
Do you understand who your inside child parts are?
Why are they there?
What are you supposed to do with them?
Read on…..
Well, guess you sure do seem to ‘get’ alot of stuff.
The first ikid that I encountered was very nice, she grew up.
There seems to be a (group?) of ikids that are gross and noboddy wants nothing to do w/them. Everyboddy hates them and wants them to die.
The part that grew up, we trying to get her to deal w/them. I dunno if she is cuz when she grew up I can’t seem to hear her so good. But we know she likes to help, and she not hate them ikids. Maybe she thinks they a little gross, but she OK w/them.
Not all my ikids are sad. I have happy and curious ones. I dunno if there are many, or I am just feeling facets of just one or two.
I think we are phobic of them ikids for the most part, even the nice ones. Cuz even the nice ones kinda can start to cause trouble somehow.
So T trying to get us to accept and let ikids express, to ‘listen’ to them.
But we can’t get past the auto shut off. We just blank out and cannot get past that. We spent too many years shutting them out. We don’t know how NOT to.
We bout ready to give up trying w/them.
Ya, thx for your writings. I not agree allus, cuz reckon we all different huh? but ya, you got some good points. Thx
Ones
Hi Kathy,
There’s something really moving in this post that almost brought tears to my eyes (a rarity). I sense that you’ve met and connected with many of these children in your work. The content, the tone and the evident understanding and compassion shown in this post is most refreshing for one’s internal system 😉
BTC.x
Hi BTC,
Yes, I’ve spent many many hours with young little ones. I try, best I can, to give each of them a safe, accepting, comforting, healing experience every time I can…
I’m glad my writings touched you so deeply – that means a lot to me as well.
Thank you for sharing that with me.
Kathy
Kathy,
I can’t see my child parts, well mostly, I think I have seen one. Anyway, I can feel them more than ‘hear’ them. I feel their answers to questions, only rarely do I hear what they are saying. Unless they are fronting, then I hear them at the time, but barely remember what they said when “I” come back forward.
And honestly, I have the HARDEST time taking care of any of the little insiders. One came out in Therapy, and ended up being dirty and hungry and cold. I COULDN”T touch her. T suggest to bathe her and give her warm food and clothes and I couldn’t touch her until she was dressed and looking fine. That is wrong, I wouldn’t do that with a child IRL. If i saw a child looking like that I would take care of them and help them to feel better, cuddle and help that child to feel safe.
Haberlach,
Thanks for the comment, and you’ve brought up some good points to talk about.
Some people experience their systems more kinesthetically than visually. Meaning, they can feel or sense the others – emotionally / physically in the body — before seeing anyone. Kinesthetic communication might be your first methods of recognizing the others while visual methods might come later. That’s ok. Just start with what works for you. If you can “feel” that someone needs something, or if you can sense what they are communicating by the way your body feels, that is totally acceptable. Address their needs from there. “Talking without talking” is a great way of communicating.
Do you know if you learn “normal things” more by doing? Or do you have to have it shown to you first? You might be a kinesthetic learner on all levels. Some people learn more by doing / feeling. Some people learn more by hearing. Some people learn more visually. Whatever works for you is totally acceptable.
Also… I think it would be really important to have some of your internal helpers to do some of the actual tending / caring for the internal kids. The issue of your needing such distance from your littles ones while they are still “messy” is very important to address in therapy (to explore what that’s about, etc.), but while you are working on that, there are very likely others in your internal system that can help meet the immediate needs of your internal kids.
Remember — this is system work. You really do not have to address all the issues yourself, or by yourself. If others in your system can do something easier and with less complication than you can, that is totally ok. Ask some of the others to tend to the kids, and then by all means, you get involved with the little ones in whatever levels that you can.
There are lots of ways to go about this work. Keep working at it till you find the ways that work for you. You can do it. I’m sure of it.
I hope you are having a good day —
Kathy
I was wondering, are all littles split off to handle trauma stuff? It seems to me like some of our littles were split off for the opposite reason- to give us someone who was good at acting “normal” and acting “our age”. Our bigs, even early on, were very old compared to the body’s age. So, when we needed to look like a “normal kid” I think maybe we needed happy little parts? We have some who don’t know about the abuse and vehemently deny that it could ever have happened. These seem attached to the people who hurt us. Its all very tangly and seems like a potential safety issue. Got any detangler?
Hi Gobbies,
That’s a good point. Certainly once a person learns how to dissociatively split, the “reason” to split can be for anything that feels important or necessary for that person and their overall survival process. Many DID systems have “happy parts” who just have the job to look happy, and in essence, they provide a cover or a way to hide / prevent looking traumatized. I can certainly understand how it is a tremendously huge job to appear as the happy-go-lucky adoring loving child in the daytime when really, that same child might be violently abused by those same people during the night. To add insult to injury, some perpetrators demand / insist that the abused person appears “totally fine” in the daytime, with threat of punishment if the cover is not kept solid. So yes, splitting child parts for that normal-looking “happy child” job makes sense to me.
And yes, I agree that a person can split off and create a new part that looks like (by age, role, etc), whatever the person wants / needs that part to look like. Splits do not have to be the exact same chronological age as the body.
Maybe, those little ones that split away from the trauma were / were the beginnings of a denial based section of folks? Or a close cousin to the denial parts?
A big part of detangling denial parts is letting them speak with the system parts that are opposite to them, and show each side what the experiences were like from the other side of the fence. That is a complex complicated topic tho’, and yes, it can be a real safety issue for some system parts to feel attached to someone who was a perpetrator. Big topic there! Maybe I’ll add all this stuff to the “Post about This” list.
Thanks for the comment – I hope you’re having a good day –
Kathy
Kathy,
As always, your posts are very informative and easy to understand. I am so grateful for them; they have given me alot of hope. I’m not sure my current therapist is as knowledgable. I’ve been seeing him for three years now, but I feel I’ve gotten more out of your posts than my years working with my current therapist.
With that being said, my therapist believes that my littles hold a lot of hope versus the older members who feel mostly hopeless and helpless. I don’t know how he’s come to this conclusion of the littles being hopeful, but I am skeptical and your post reinforced my doubt. You wrote, “unless you had a happy childhood, don’t expect to find bunches of happy child parts.”
Can child parts be happy and hopeful? If littles are scared, hopeless, crying, screaming, and stuck in the trauma, how can they play like “normal” children?
I don’t believe my child parts hold the hope for our system. From what I’ve gleaned from interacting with my own littles is that they are sad; however, they still like to play and color. I don’t understand. It seems a contradiction.
I guess I really want to know if child parts can be hopeful. That’s how my therapist describes my littles, but I disagree. What are your thoughts about child parts carrying hope? Is it only for the bigs?
Thanks.
Rebecca of M.I.S.
Hi Rebecca,
Thank you for your post and your very kind words. I’m really glad to hear this blog has been this helpful for you — that means a lot to me. Thank you.
You might be surprised at my answer, but actually, yes, I do believe that child parts can hold a whole lot of hope. I think children as a whole can be very resilient, and they are often eager to learn, and happy to move forward in life, and they love to play, and they can love easily – easier than adults anyway. Kids very often have such a wonderful zest for life that it’s contagious! They don’t get as bogged down in life’s worries like us ol’ boring adults do. 🙂
As far as sad, hurting, traumatized child parts that are still stuck in their painful memories — the very very first thing is to as quickly as possible, show them that they are / can be safe now. Separate the past trauma from the current day, and get them out of that trauma spot. They may have trauma memories to work on in their healing, but if you can help them connect to the here and now, (and the safety and acceptance they can get in the here and now), as children, they will blossom and grow quickly. Show them – literally – that they live in a different house than where they lived when they were being hurt by the meanies. Don’t assume they just “know that” you live in a different place – they often will still “see” their old place. Encourage them to see the now and to know for sure and for sure that they live away from the people that hurt them. The more you can make that point, the better they’ll feel. (Addressing the trauma itself is a whole different thing I’ll write about later.)
The fact that your sad littles still WANT to play and they still like to color, etc is where I see hope. Your littles want something better than sadness. They want to be happy little kids… so maybe try working really hard at finding a way to give them a nice play area? Bring in a few more kids things… stuffies, puzzles, board games, dolls, blankets, cozy pillows, fun carpets, etc. Let your little go “window shopping” and pick out some things they can have in their internal play area. If you can make that happen, and find some ways to also address their pain, maybe you’ll see that they can blossom even more.
Of course, if your child parts stay stuck in their trauma, they won’t be happy. They will continue to cry, scream, etc. They will still feel like they are being hurt, and that will still be their reality, so.. that’s no good, AND you can fix that. Work very hard at making today – the here and now – a place where they will want to be. Show them you can take really good kind gentle care of them. That will give them all the hope they need.
Kathy
The child part I mentioned in previous post, I did not see but heard and then we shared a good flashback (thats what T said so I saw her that way). I asked her age, she said she really shouldnt be talking to me, but gave me a smart little hint (still making me smile), she is feisty like me I think, I mean not being allowed to talk but doing it, and she is always the one that has intiated it.
I have been told not to encourage her to talk about anything major, the time is not right yet. She doesnt seem overly sad or anything, more curious or looking for something, we both have a huge love of something in common,is this common in the sense that I am also a part or alter not host. I dont think I have ever seen or heard her voice before until recently.
Hi rdrunner68,
Thanks for posting again. It sounds like you are building a connection and a relationship with this little feisty one, and that is great. I’m not suprised at all that she stopped running long enough to start connecting with you — that’s good news!!!
Building a friendly accepting rapport with her, especially in the beginnings of her showing herself to you, is critically important. After all, it’s very normal to need to trust who we speak to before saying much at all. I’m particularly glad to hear that you and little miss feisty are sharing in some fun and playfulness. Yes, keep these first conversations based on simple, safer topics, and look for things you can connect on. Sounds like you are doing a great job. Good work!
Kathy