Let’s start with Castorgirl’s comment to the article “Therapy for Trauma Survivors“:
Hi Kathy,
An interesting post. It raises many issues that have been a struggle over the last three years of therapy…
The question whenever things don’t seem to be going well in therapy always seems to come back to – “Is this our fault?” Are we sabotaging our own recovery, misinterpreting what has been said or meant.
It always brings forward the issues from the past about the health professionals being infallible and beyond questioning. We’ve just tried to question our therapist, and it hasn’t gone well. Our first foray into challenging a health professional has pretty much come crashing down around our ears…
In a rather rambling way, we’re trying to ask what indicators can you use to see whether it’s a block from us, or a therapeutic mis-match?
Great thought provoking blog…
Take care…
Thank you, Castorgirl, for asking such a great question. I wish there was an easy answer. This is actually a very big question with lots of layers to it. I could probably make several different posts from this question, each with a different approach.
I have a response for you, but please remember, there are just my thoughts, are cannot be taken as medical advice nor are they to replace or usurp the recommendations of your therapist. (Please see my disclaimer.) For the purposes of this post, I am going to write it from the perspective that the therapist is not making any grave errors. Addressing therapeutic blunders is a big topic, and will reserved for another day.
I want to commend you for talking with your therapist about the issue at hand. You have taken an important step in talking to your therapist about it, and that’s excellent. Even if it didn’t go as well as you wanted it to, you initiated a conversation about it, and I strongly encourage you to keep working on it. But do your homework – meaning… explore your feelings on your own as well, and see if you can move yourself forward through it.
Actually, I don’t think for a second that health professionals are infallible.
We all make mistakes and that very fact makes therapists’ human too. However, when we have our “Therapist Hat” on, we make a conscious shift in our heads and our thinking to put our energy and attention on the client. We’ve also been given rules, guidelines, boundaries, and restrictions to follow from our employment agencies, training institutions, educational facilities, and theoretical perspectives that highly influence our thoughts and our behavior. We may very well approach conflict in therapy different “in the office” than we do in our personal lives. Remember that the point of therapy is to be about you, the client, and even in rough patches of the therapeutic process, therapists will tend to keep that mindset in the forefront.
I’m guessing that most therapists examine the interaction between themselves and their clients with the greater focus on their client, what the client is doing (or not doing), saying (or not saying), expressing (or not expressing), etc. Part of keeping the therapeutic process about the client is by keeping our thoughts and interpretations on the client, while keeping our thoughts about ourselves more neutral or in the background. Otherwise, the therapy process becomes about us, and that becomes a boundary issue. Particularly complicated problem points are when the client does something that is actually harmful or damaging to the therapist, or vice versa.
Keep in mind that all relationships have simple misunderstandings and small pockets of confusion. Little mistakes are not the end of the world. If you find yourself blowing normal miscommunication issues up into huge conflicts, then chances are, you are adding other personal issues into the situation.
You would probably be surprised to see how many conflicts with therapists are actually directly connected to projections / transference issues related to the client’s painfully unresolved mother- father-family-trauma issues. As cliché as it sounds, the biggest portion of therapeutic conflict can be seen in the “this is actually about your mother” context. The therapeutic relationship, while it is a current-day professional relationship, becomes the battleground for all the emotional hurts and deep heart wounds of the years past. Because an element of caring and emotional attachment builds between the therapist and client, all too often conflicts arise when the client expects the therapist to fulfill too many of their unmet emotional needs.
Of course, a huge part of therapy is experiencing a correction of formerly wronged emotional experiences. But there is a limit to how far a therapist can go in terms of meeting those unmet needs. There will be a boundary line. It’s understandable that when this line is approached, and the client wants more from the therapist than the therapist can give within their professional or personal limitations, there will be a conflict.
That means many clients get their feelings hurts.
The therapist often becomes one of the very most important people in the client’s life, especially for trauma survivors who have poured out their heart and soul in their healing process. Even being as critically important as therapists are, therapists can’t necessarily participate in the important social events for the client, or be emotionally or physically or therapeutically available as their clients want them to be. Many times, therapists can’t even approach the client, or make the first phone call, or offer extra time. While the professional opinions on proper therapeutic behavior vary greatly, the point being, to maintain proper boundaries, therapists have limitations to what they can do. Many client requests will be denied because they go too far outside of the therapeutic box.
One of the very biggest blocks that clients can do that will harm or destroy their therapeutic relationship is to not talk about these conflicts with the focus on their own thoughts, feelings, behaviors.
Remember, the goal in your therapy is for you to learn more about yourself and to learn more about how to be personally responsible for your own health and well-being. If you insist on defining the issues as “the therapist’s problems”, then you have missed the boat of what your therapy is about. That doesn’t mean the therapist doesn’t have problems. It means, you are trying to distract from your issues, and your therapist is not to be the focus of your therapy. Keep the focus on yourself. If you want to make gains in your therapy, talk about you. Examine your wants and needs. Examine your behavior. Poke at your beliefs. Keep it all about you, you, you. And protect this time. Treat it as precious for you. Having the time to work on your healing is incredibly important, so don’t share the focus with anyone else.
Because it is your therapy, claim the issue as your own. Attacking or blaming your therapist isn’t going to help you address your own issues, nor will it help your therapeutic alliance. If you are really in therapy to address your own issues, then even in situations where there are potential conflicts with your therapist, first look at how the conflict relates to you.
Talk openly about how the painful conflict at hand affects you. Be courageous enough to look at the painful historical roots for this issue. Be willing to see how this current conflict has shown itself in your life, time and time and time again. Look to old family dynamics and find the parallels. Look at how this new wound is similar to previous wounds. When you find those connections, you will be making progress.
Ask yourself: Why does this bother me? And what’s under that? And then what? And then what? Peel the emotional onion, in terms of getting further down into the root of the issue. Your therapist will be able to help you do this, but you have to be willing to look at it from that perspective.
If you are unsure if there is a therapeutic mismatch, use the same approach in tackling that issue. For example, write out a list of the things that seem mismatched. For each individual issue, ask yourself why that bothers you. Take this first answer, and ask yourself why that bothers you. Take your second answer and ask yourself why that bothers you. Take your third answer, and ask why that bothers you.
Remember, there are many good therapists out there. If your needs truly clash with the style of a particular therapist, then thank them for what they have offered you, and simply move on to someone else. Don’t assume the therapist will or can change to be what you want them to be. It doesn’t mean the therapist is “wrong” or “bad” for not doing what you want them to do. They are who they are, and they have their style of working in place. I use this metaphor:
If you don’t like the food at a particular restaurant, then go to a different restaurant. It would be unreasonable to throw a hissy fit in a Chinese restaurant, demanding Mexican food. If you want Mexican food, just go on down the road till you find the Mexican restaurant, and leave the Chinese restaurant to do what it does best – serving Chinese food.
Too many clients expect the therapist to become what they want or need, typically based out of their own trauma-related issues. Your healing isn’t based on making your therapist change to be what you need. Your healing is based on your addressing your needs, and making positive changes with the assistance of your therapist.
If you want to do more thinking, here are some sample homework questions:
- What is a therapeutic mismatch? How do you define that for yourself?
- Is your therapist challenging you to think / act in ways that are new or uncomfortable? Are these harmful challenges? Or, is your therapist encouraging you to develop new skills?
- List 5 areas you are mismatched, and for each area, list five reasons that feels upsetting to you. What are the common themes, and what have you learned from this?
- What are you doing to encourage or enhance the mismatch issue?
- What do you want your therapist to do that he (she) is not doing? Why is this so important to you? What does it mean if your therapist will never do these things?
- Are these reasonable requests? Do any of your requests take the therapist out of the therapy box?
I hope these ideas give you a starting place.
Thanks for the question.
Warmly,
Kathy
Copyright © 2008-2017 Kathy Broady MSW and Discussing Dissociation
This is a painful and scary topic. The T who diagnosed me constantly told me I was blocking T and being resistant. I tried so hard to believe her… partly because that is what parts thought they were supposed to do. But also because it was unbearably painful to accept that the problem was bigger than just me failing… I’m used to that.
But it was a bigger problem. And the line is really fuzzy between a mismatch and a therapist making a mistake.
My new T doesn’t tell me that I’m resistant, she asks me which parts feel that they need to protect me and why. But I’m so terrified of being the problem and of being unworthy of sitting there with her. Because isn’t that what my old T was saying, that if I was too resistant then I was wasting her time? No matter what I did – told her what she wanted to hear, told her the painful honest truth, got quieter, hid parts that were causing trouble or asked her for help. None of it changed anything, it always came back to me desperately trying to prove to her that I wasn’t resistant and her getting frustrated and telling me that I wasn’t working hard enough or trying to change.
Now I think that is one of the most triggering things a therapist can say to me. I obsess about whether I’m wasting my Ts time, whether I’m worth helping because I’m so difficult, whether anything will ever change. In our way we loved that old T and little parts will always be trying to believe that is was our fault.
When we finally hit our breaking point and told her we had to stop seeing her, she didn’t believe us. The next session she thought that it was forgotten and I would start trying to prove it to her again… so I had to do it a second time, tell her I was leaving. We think about her less than we used to, but still so, so many times every single day. We would be dead many times over if it wasn’t for her. She gave us to each other by showing us that we were “we” and giving us language to talk about and to one another. We had to tell her it was a mismatch – that we had outgrown her – because she wouldn’t believe us when we tried to tell her the truth.
Complicated grief is the worst kind because there isn’t a place of peace – I’m angry and broken hearted and everything in between.
p.s. what I just wrote seems kind of tangentially related to this topic but for us it isn’t. We feel like a waste of space here too
Oh my HazelE,
It broke my heart when you said:
“… it always came back to me desperately trying to prove to her that I wasn’t resistant and her getting frustrated and telling me that I wasn’t working hard enough or trying to change.”
“I obsess about whether I’m wasting my Ts time, whether I’m worth helping because I’m so difficult, whether anything will ever change.”
“We feel like a waste of space here too.”
Okay … I do not know what went on with your first T and I am not hearing her side of the relationship but, my heart and my gut tell me that she was abusive to you, blaming her shortcomings as a T on you. Showing up at our T’s doorstep is hard enough work right there. I did not really talk to my first T for six months. She kept telling me how much she admired me for showing up – because, at the time, just showing up took all of the strength and courage that I had.
Maybe your new T could help you sort through your feelings about your old T. It may give her insight into your fears and reluctance with her and help her understand any reservations you may have about therapy. It also is a trigger so there is probably a whole lot of old trauma attached to your reactions as well.
Finally, I want you to know HazelE that you are a valued member of our community here and that we care for you and support you in healing journey. You are definitely NOT “a waste of space here” … quite the contrary. You have honestly and courageous written your truth here and we have all been enriched and inspired by your presence.
Take heart dear friend that we understand the frustrations, pain and struggles that you are going through and we do not judge the pace or manner in which you are doing your healing work.
Your friend,
ME+WE
01/08/19
HazelE
I agree 110% with Me+We you are not taken up space or useless in anyway.
Our therapist says when we walk in the door . “Thanks for comming “ with in our session we hear this word almost ever visit. Sometime good, is just good enough you should of not had to experience that. It’s okay to be human and make mistakes. Today she told me if something is ever to hard it’s okay to say it’s to hard and I cant do that. She is a good therapist Even though she trying to change our way for thinking she is also validating .
Thankfully, my new T has been infinitely patient with the difficulties I have trusting her and all of the ways that my experiences with the last T affect me. We spent most of the first 6 months talking about the old T ans kow 3 years in she still comes up frequently. I’ve appreciated that the new T seems able to hold how we are simultaneously hurt/angry at old T and also miss her so much that we often can’t bear it.
We are hurting a lot. Thank you both for saying it’s ok for us to be here. We don’t really believe that but there is something that helps about hearing it.
Dear HazelE,
Your current T sounds like a gem. I am sure that she totally understands the conflicting emotions that you have about your old T. I am heartened to hear that you are working through these emotions with the new T. ☺
“Thank you both for saying it’s ok for us to be here. We don’t really believe that but there is something that helps about hearing it.”
This is the time where you are just going to have to surrender to trust that we are telling you the truth and that the messages that you are hearing in your head that say otherwise are the evil old messages implanted there by abuse. But, I do understand how these old messages block the new so I will say it again — you belong here, you are valued here and you are welcomed and embraced here.
Your friend,
ME+WE
01/13/19
We left the trauma T who diagnosed us with DID after about 20 months. (1) She had trouble keeping us on a consistent thread from one appointment to the next. Since we met 3X per week, this prevented cohesiveness.
(2) We lacked a spiritual or energetic connection, which we need to trust and invest in the therapeutic relationship. Our primary T is very open to our spiritual esoterica and we have an effective and beneficial energetic connection to her—and she invests time in session to maintaining strong boundaries, especially when our system demands more than is within a therapeutic relationship.
With trauma T, we discussed organizational effectiveness each time we were hospitalized or seemed displeased with the structure of our time together, and she would attempt to improve.
Ultimately, we think she was too nice and not assertive when we needed it and a little scolding when it wasn’t effective. She couldn’t lead us. And she didn’t understand our soul. She would guess at how we were feeling when words didn’t work, and she was way off as often as in the ballpark. After, 20 months, we needed more.
So we told her we were shopping around. She was supportive of that process. And we moved on when we found someone with more organization, more spiritual knowledge and openness and who validates feelings more accurately.
Moving to a new trauma therapist was a sign we value us. This surprised us. Not sure how it will turn out. We have 3 Ts, so let’s say we’re diversified LOL. 1/5/19
T. Clark,
It sounds like you’ve been through quite the process. But from what you written, it also seems like you’ve been pretty grounded through the experience. But I also imagine it wasn’t easy too. Good for you for recognizing that it’s time to transition to someone more meeting your needs and goals.
So you have 3 t’s!? Wow! How does that work?
When did you get your new t and how is it working so far?
I’m fascinated by the process of building connection with a t, like how it happens and what it looks like, so pardon me if my questions are burdensome.
I wish you well as you proceed on your journey!
MulitpleMe
1/6/19
Hello T.Clark….I must say I am impressed with how well you can “see” what you need….I am still working on THAT aspect as well as others…..and to have “3 Ts” is mind-boggling for me!!…..I figure others as well have that same type of situation and are able to “keep up” with where you are at with each one…..guess my system isn’t as structured (or I can’t “see” well enough) to be able to accomplish something like that…..I feel “scattered” all over the place a lot of the time….not sure why….my system?…..or “me” still learning”?…..but I am impressed with your abilities to be so organized…Even my “Outside” life feels really scattered and disorganized…….Thank you for a glimpse of a “direction for progress” for me……
MissyMing
01/06/2019
Hello T.Clark,
I was intrigued by your statement – “Our primary T is very open to our spiritual esoterica”. I would be interested to hear more about your “spiritual esoterica” sometime.
ME+WE
01/06/19
Multiple Me, MissyMing, ME+WE, we have our primary T, as in our first T. Started with her more than 4 years ago for anger concerns. We self-referred ourselves for therapy. No PTSD, DID, or OCD diagnosis—though some of us we knew we’d had OCD and PTSD.
Primary had us take a dissociation inventory. We were surprisingly high. Life started to melt down—grind to a halt. We started to lose our typical fronts, and Primary T referred us to a trauma T. We would not stop seeing Primary.
She “sees” and “knows” in ways that are atypical. And so do we. This system travels time and connects with animals and plants in interesting ways. Primary T is open to our Shamanic pull. She nurtures us in every healthy way she can.
Trauma T didn’t work out, so now with new Trauma T for past few months. She’s also open spiritually. She does a lot of reading in Tibetan Buddhism and has a degree in religion and she pushes nothing and nurtures us in any healthy way possible.
Disability insurance, which runs out in a few months because psychological disorders are limited to 24 months of coverage (why? fMRI and other neuro-imaging methods could prove these disorders. Oh yah: insurance companies don’t want to pay), requires that we see either a psychiatrist or a psychologist with PhD. Around here, psychiatrists just prescribe and meds don’t help us, except Xanax as needed, which we rely on. No psychiatrist would see us. So to satisfy insurance, we added a 3rd T (PsyD to be precise). We have to see her once per month and she’s the quarterback of the team.
She’s a DID specialist, as is Trauma T. Primary T asked her Facebook therapist network for a DID specialist and gave us a ton of referrals. We tried 2 and liked the current one.
Primary T is a licensed sex therapist, and we have lots of sexual trauma, so that helps. She knows us and helps us maintain healthy relationships with spouse and outside children.
Trauma T helps with DID system work.
PsyD helps with big picture and system work.
We are not a super organized system. We think we’re a piece of shit. These Ts do not, so we keep going. Not sure what’ll happen when we go on Medicare in a few months. Could be a life-ruiner. We’ll see.
Seeing all 3 Ts this week. So 5 days. Usually see Primary twice and Trauma twice per week.
We don’t work, don’t go out of house except we’ll force ourselves to library and Trader Joe once or twice per month. We tried going out in public once per week after last hospital stay. That lasted 3 weeks and then we freaked out and stopped.
We must want to get better: 3 Ts for f’s sake! It’s so f’ing slow to learn, heal, etc. s.o. s.l.o.w
1/10/19
Wow! T.Clark…You seem way more organized than me! Thanks for all the info….even though you say you stay home a lot…you STILL sound really busy with stuff….and I agree – healing seems really, really slow….
So many times, when I either just went numb, or had an insight and then went “calm” for a bit – I thought I must be “all fixed” now….only to then find out I was just entering new territory…….Makes life interesting to say the list……
Hello T.Clark,
Thank you for the detailed description of your process amassing your therapy team. I do not know how you juggle all of the players and time spent on therapeutic work. Wow … impressive. I think that my head would explode with your schedule!
I really resonate with your time travel and connections with plants and animals. I feel very much the same way. My one insider Tom (12 y/o boy who looked after us as the principal between the ages of 7-8 and 12, describes himself as a Spirit Walker. He has spiritual quests with his spirit horse. What he tells me about his spirit walks is incredible. When I was young he would take us away to the woods to find peace and solitude. He communicates with nature (mainly trees are his big focus) and animals. They speak with him and offer him “wisdom of the ancients”. He would go out of body in the woods all of the time. Much of my childhood was spent packing a lunch in the morning and going off all day to a big park that was mostly woodland. He has always felt that nature and animals speak from the Other World. He is also a big believer that he walks in the Other World all of the time and is guided by the wisdom of the ancients that speak to him there.
Well, maybe a little odd but I do believe in Tom and his wisdom. He loves to talk to one of our healers who is an highly empathic, intuitive and spiritually in tune with her guru. They have all kinds of incredible conversations about the Other World and spiritual awakening. She has encouraged me to let her record some of the conversations sometime so I can hear what he talks about. I am still a little cautious about doing that just yet.
Thank you for sharing this T.Clark. Much appreciated and loved!
ME+WE
01/11/19
I think I have been blessed with a T who is willing to hear me when I struggle with something she has said….I usually have to express it in an email later because it feels “safer” AND it takes a while for me to even figure out “why” all the Inside turmoil….I am very sensitive to the “turmoil” – but I am still learning to “hear” and “see” what is going on…..
I also “make” myself remember that my T “personally” comes from an Outside perspective and can “forget” (or so it seems to me) that I have an Inside World that is as REAL to me as her Outside World is to her….sometimes describing her connection to her “real” daughter as a way to explain that reality…..
I continue to have triggerings with my job and was recently unable to take a step to do paperwork for a much needed raise… Inside turmoil, double-angled Rage and conflicting perspectives between parts AND between Inside and Outside Worlds increased as the deadline got nearer and I couldn’t make a move…..I was also “feeling” the parts’ fear of me “not hearing” them and “abandoning” them – but I couldn’t see “why” until I suddenly “saw” the Internal repercussions that would be made against those that would try to “help” me…..so I “ignored” my T’s advice to do the paperwork……
Realizing that one Rage (?) was “looking” at T because of the advice she gave us, and parts were wanting me to “run”, I knew I needed to clear up what was hopefully a misunderstanding….I “made” myself remember her Outside perspective and reminded her of her connection to her “real” daughter….how that if her daughter was walking a path and suddenly saw a dangerous snake ahead and stopped – too scared to move – would she tell her daughter to just keep walking because the snake really wasn’t real…just “ignore” it? I don’t think so……Neither could I……
She apologized for how it came across to me and explained that she was responding to and trying to encourage a “maybe” I had said in the email…..but MY “maybe” was still from a different angle than what she was seeing…..So we got it cleared up and Rage stopped looking at her……
It is “scary” for me to take such stands because I have always felt I am “required” to be compliant and speaking up causes its own set of turmoil…. but my T was willing to “hear” me….. If she had chosen to NOT hear me (and continued to do so) – it would have been a “different” ending to this story because she no longer would have been “safe” for both “me” AND my parts…Bottom line – I have to LIVE with my parts 24/7…….
But as “scary” as the step was, I also “proved” to the parts, again, that I respect their existence and am trying to learn how to “hear” them and “help” them where they are at……Yes, my T and I have had to explain perspectives and work through “struggle” spots…but so far we have done it…..I hope it continues …….
MissyMing,
Wow, what a great example of how to work through the hard stuff in therapy. You explained really well how to face and work through conflicts that arise in the therapeutic relationship. Thank you for that.
I’m personally contemplating sort of how to be more vulnerable in therapy. Like, me personally, not just my insiders. My insiders are pretty vulnerable, but I am not. I cannot look at my t in the face, I cannot really tell her how I feel, and I cannot feel anything except numbness. I’m scared and shamed, so I hold back a LOT from my t. Not the insiders, they tell her everything for the most part.
Anyway, thank you for sharing your experiences. It really helped show me what I need to be aiming for.
MultipleMe
1/6/19
Kathy – not sure if I babbled too much…please help me out here if I did…….
Ahhh, MultipleMe…..I can only look at my T when I first enter the room – many times only lasting a few moments….most of the time I cannot at all when I leave….My initial thoughts were that it was only from some type of “shame” – but bit by bit I began to see there was more to it……My T’s office is the only place I feel “safe” enough to “allow” the shift so “inside Her” can “allow” parts to surface and “speak”……..(although I DO feel safe enough to “babble” here! – maybe because there are no “eyes” to see…..”eyes” scare me….)
We seem to function as a two-sided version of “Her”…”Outside” and “Inside”……”Outside Her” keeps me looking as “normal” as possible to Outsiders, but all my “stuff” is in the “Inside” version and that part of me cannot look at eyes for some reason…..way too scary and too vulnerable….
I am aware that if “we” see into eyes then Rage also sees and he is always watching anyway…..”we” get scared that eyes will “tell” us “we” really don’t exist, that “we” are crazy and making stuff up…..yet “we” need to “say” stuff……
“Not looking at eyes” seems to be double-sided protection for “Her”….it helps keep us from getting confused about our existence while we are needing to “talk” because we seem to also have “denial” parts which get easily triggered…AND it also holds Rage “at bay” from shifting into “protection” mode for us – triggered by his perception of what he is “seeing” in the Outsider’s eyes……”Her” is very watchful of body language, tone of voice, undercurrents, and a multitude of what feels like “everything” …..I guess, just trying to find out if she is “safe” or not – although we don’t really know what that “feels” like….
(as a side note – it is really hard to figure out how to make parts “safe” when you are not sure what that even “feels” like – a big Catch-22….if anybody has insight we would really appreciate it…..We have tried to find “safety” for parts who get targeted with Internal repercussions and haven’t quite figured out how to do that……if this belongs on another part of the blog…whoever can respond, please point me in your direction….)
AND MultipleMe, we also get the “fear and the shame”……functioning as “normal as possible” “Outside” while sensing varying degrees of disconnected “inside” can create a lot of confusion – leaving “Outside” you feeling like something is “seriously wrong” with you and you don’t fit in anywhere in Outside Life……maybe it is because most of our “trauma” (whatever it was) is still so disconnected and there are only “jig-saw” pieces of “flashes” ……which make NO sense to our “Outside Brain” but feels like it makes “perfect sense” Inside……it just feels way weird – leaving us feeling like “misfits” who don’t know what we are even “supposed” to be “feeling”……..
I don’t know if any of what “Objective” has described makes sense or if your being “unable to look at T” is in any way similar to ours or not….just throwing our version out there if it might help anybody…..
Hi MissyMing,
I so agree with MultipleMe here – “Wow, what a great example of how to work through the hard stuff in therapy.” What you have posted here is a great example of doing honest, difficult and compassionate work with your T and your insiders. You respected your insiders enough to listen and to speak up and your trusted your T enough to hear and understand and in doing so you built even stronger bonds with them all. Kudos to you for work well done and thanks for sharing it.
Oh, and MultipleMe … it was years and years before I could look at my T. Only a couple of my insiders look at her. I am trying to force myself to look directly at her although when I get into really hard stuff, I look away or mostly close my eyes. I was determined right from the start that this time around (with therapy) I was going to not hold back on anything. For the most part, I have done that. As scary as it has been, the relief that I have spoken my truth is far more satisfying.
ME+WE
01/08/19
I took a box clip art . Stage the inside box to be like my inside world . I brang it to therapy today to show Belinda and her co-chair Darcy. They both loved and and could now visualize what our world looks like. I will send a picture to the clintcare team maybe they will pass it on to Kathy . It would be cool for everybody to know what I mean. May at you can do something like that so your T can see what you have on the inside.
This is an excellent article and I especially like the homework. I am currently experiences some issues in my personal therapy, and the homework will help me to sort through some things. My therapist lives 45 minutes away, and we have difficulties meeting sometimes. She canceled recently and it brought out some of my abandonment issues and my truly angry alter. She feels it may be time to move on for both of us; but my system won’t accept this. She is the one who diagnosed us. How do I separate my personal issues vs. her needs to have space, boundaries? We are feeling “stuck” right now with parts coming forward to block us from moving forward in therapy. How do we overcome “blockers?” We are very limited in terms of therapists living in a rural area. I don’t want to start over; I don’t really think she does either but we need to figure some things out to move forward. Help!
Dear DK,
I know that this past year has been a real struggle for you and I am sorry to hear that you are having difficulties in therapy. I just read Kathy’s blog article here and I think that she has offered great insight into the whole issue and some interesting homework questions to ask yourself. It is time to dig deep and separate what is triggering and transference and what is potentially a growing mismatch with your T. Maybe have all (of the most active and vocal) insiders answer the homework questions themselves and see where mismatches occur for you. Also maybe ask the insiders what their issues are about talking with your T if you are feeling blocked. I understand that sometimes there are fewer options to find a therapist (I travel 75 minutes to my T) but do not let that keep you back from finding the right T is your current T is not fitting. But, as Kathy so wisely says, first examine if what you want is something that your T can possibly offer you as a professional with reasonable boundaries.
Sending you positive energy to find the strength to dig deeply into your truth. Please let us know how it goes in the next few weeks especially. I will be thinking of you. Be gentle and patient with yourself.
ME+WE
01/04/19
DK,
Overcoming blockers means you have more work to do with communication, I believe. I could be wrong, but it seems to me that if you try to talk to them and let them know you’re interested in them, maybe a bridge could start being built. Maybe those blockers are trying to protect you from learning about the past or other programming or other insiders. In a way they maybe good at doing their jobs. It’s frustrating for you, but that’s what they were made to do. Maybe it’s time for them to have new jobs, which can be scary for them because that’s all they’ve known.
If I can ask the question, why don’t you want to start over? What if you took the risk of starting with a new T, and they ended up meeting your needs in a greater way? Meeting your insiders needs in a greater way? Yes, maybe your options are limited, but keep trying. The other option, is to continue to be open and honest with your t about what you need, and try to work with her to keep working at boundaries and connection for both of you.
I went through a t transition when I didn’t really want to. I loved my t but she told me it was time, and I eventually saw that she couldn’t help me anymore. It was a heartbreaking time for me. She and I teamed up to help me find a new T and it was by the help of God I believe that led me to my current T. I was reading a memoir on DID and the person that wrote the book happened to seek treatment in my area. She had an email in the back of the book, so I emailed her, asking if there were still t’s in my area that treated DID and RA. She connected with someone who knew, and that person gave me a list of names. My current therapist was the closest so I called her. She spoke with my t, and my t said she was really impressed with her. I said a tearful goodbye to my t and off I went. The whole transition time took about 4 months.
You can do this! Keep us updated!
MultipleMe
1/6/19
MultipleMe,
I can feel the pain in your writings; sometimes moving on is really really hard. My child parts desperately miss her, and I am dealing with some issues related to codependency and dependancy in general. I have issues in my marriage that I bring and I have working hard on codependency by changing a lot of things.
I have some parts that are HYPER anxious and HATE HATE change. I have some issues with transparency that we have been honest about as well. My T does have some of her own issues that I have made her more aware of; and helping her to understand how her actions (missing a lot) affect me; as well as challenges me to understand the difficult position some parts put her in (cursing her out, calling her boss, etc.) So I think that relationships are struggling because that is the MAIN thing I have trouble with in my life. So she has challenged me in many ways to get out of my comfort zone. Parts come forward to protect when we get disappointed, (She canceled 15 times from April – Dec.) So we are mostly SCARED OF CHANGE.
WE have horrible anxiety driving on the interstate to get to new therapists. Some of the ones we have found have turned us away for insurance, ignoring emails, or saying they are DID specialist then failing to follow up with specific questions. The quest has been a disaster.
The therapist called one place where they can institutionalize people, but they treat a lot of trauma, but I said I won’t even see a therapist there. I have heard bad stories about being committed by others. NO THANK YOU.
My T has limited experience with DID patients, but she is willing to learn. She accepts all my parts (even though they are not all very likeable) Many parts just are so angry, and like “f*** everything”.
This week I found out my Mom died on Sunday, so we are going on a trip to see her. I will do a separate post about that one…I have to face 2 abusers this week. I will NOT be alone. My husband will be with me.
Hello DK,
I have been giving your difficulties some thought. I am going to go way out on a limb in my thinking here so please take in what I say with caution and see how it feels/fits. My gut reaction is that it is time for some tough love with your insiders. I feel that the tendency with a DID diagnosis is to throw our hands up in the air and say – I have no control over my life or my insiders. I do not think that that is necessarily the case. Yes, we get triggered and switch out. But, ultimately it is our brain, our emotions, our bodies, etc.
ME+WE
01/05/19
… oops the rest of the message …
I am having some difficult posting. I keep getting a “403 Forbidden” message. So, I will cut this short. You have to take control and tell your insiders that they have to stop being unreasonable and demanding of your T or expressing negativity to her in a hurtful way. Explain that she is there to help and that they can disagree with her but they must always treat her with respect especially her boundaries. There may be pushback but you need to teach them with love and compassion appropriate behavior.
Just my thoughts for what they are worth.
ME+WE
01/06/19
ME+WE, (RANT WARNING)
I wish it was just so easy to tell them to stop. It is like these parts gets triggered, and they don’t stop; it is like a freight train coming! We get so mean and abusive and it ruins all our relationships. We get triggered, or feel like she is being mean. She has canceled 15 times in 7 months. We tell her we are just sick of excuses/disrespect and she says she lives her life according to her feelings. I told her isn’t that the opposite of what she is trying to teach me?!! I told her that her actions hurt my deeply, and she said she will “TRY” to keep all her appointments with me. And that I should have a plan in place for when she does cancel!
I got angry and told her I need her to just be more reliable. My Mother died this week. She wasn’t able to protect me from abuse. Dad DID abuse me. I told her I have had enough ABUSE for a lifetime. I am sick of it.
She wanted to refer me anyway, so that is triggering feelings of INTENSE abandonment. I am just so scared of change. The issues i have with her I feel would just be brought into another therapy relationship.
How do I get these angry parts to say, “It’s okay she’s not trying to hurt you, she is trying to help” She canceled 15 times!!! I am exhausted trying to convince myself she doesn’t hate me.
I made the mistake of commenting on her social media and not I am blocked there too. I am so mad; I simply wanted to feel close to her because parts miss her.
I am just so tired and so angry and so frustrated with the entire process. She wants to refer me on to some place that is actually affiliated with a psych hospital and I am thinking f*** that. I am not going there!!! And she says I am just not equipped to help you, it’s beyond my expertise…blah blah blah. I have sent her a dozen education opportunities to help her learn more about DID.
Anyway sorry for a rant. I am just so frustrated with my care right now. Thank you for all the responses.
Dear DK,
Good on you! Thank you for rantingly telling me how it is for you. I really appreciate you telling your truth here (as always). I have reread your postings and my responses and I want to apologize for my stupid comments. I was trying to help you take control of your more disruptive insiders (in hopes perhaps that I could do the same) and I failed to fully hear the anguish you are feeling about your T or her triggering behaviour. I am sincerely sorry for my not hearing fully and openly and for suggesting something so difficult in such a simplistic way. I do believe that we have to invoke tough love sometimes with our insiders but it certainly is not an easy thing to do. I am still trying (and mostly failing) with my one disruptive insider who has turned my world upside down this past year. ARGH!
Now, as for your T and her behaviour towards you … I have to say that I would be in a catatonic state if my T was treating our appointments so carelessly. And, for your T to say that “she lives her life according to her feelings” is simply outrageous and extremely unprofessional in my opinion. The professional code of conduct for therapists is clear about doing no harm to the client regardless of what the T may be feeling. She seems to think it is all about her and not about you. I can certainly understand how you would feel angry, hurt and abandoned by her. I am furious for you just reading about what she has done to you. Someone who cancels 15 times in 7 months (which is 50% of the time btw) is not committed to providing appropriate care for you.
Despite the turmoil in finding another therapist and building a new relationship DK, I really feel that your current therapist is toxic to you and is not caring or respectful of you and your therapeutic work in my opinion. Your therapist should be supporting your healing work not causing you more distress and trauma because of their unprofessional manner.
To have this all coming to a head during such a stressful time with the loss of your mother is unthinkably cruel and unfair to you. I do hope that you are able to find a way to deal with your mother’s funeral/mourning. Then, when you are feeling a little more settled (whatever that is!?) maybe you can consider finding a new therapist. If I were you, I would definitely not listen to anything that this T says about who you should see. I would not trust her judgment and I would certainly not let her be a part of any decision that you are making for yourself.
My heart goes out to you DK. Again, I so apologize for not hearing you as openly and clearly as you deserved from me. Sending lots of support and {{{hugs}}} your way.
ME+WE
01/13/19
Wow 15x In 7months. That just isn’t professional That’s 2x a month. Maybe she needs to get her life in order before continue with her job.
The social media is a hard issue. I hope she put more of a restriction on that. I’m sure just interested in what she like outside of therapy.
most of our post are for friends only. Some we do have public. I have read some people text the therapist also. We only email her work email j
Thx for this. I like that at the end you got homework all simple laid out.
We don’t focus too good lots of times so it good to have a template to follow cuz otherwise we be all over.
I gonna try and do this homework.
Thx
Thank you, Kathy. You’re doing a great service with this blog, and I very much appreciate it.
Hi David,
I’m glad to hear that! And you know what? Being new to blogging, I didn’t know what to expect. But I am really enjoying this too! I’ve been away for a few days, tangled up in other things, but I’m glad to say I should have time to spend here today, so… hopefully – I’ll have more to say later!
Thanks for coming back – I appreciate that. 🙂
Kathy
Kathy,
I think your commenters here have the capacity to keep you busy for a long time. 🙂 I’d be most interested to hear your thoughts on integration; it’s something that worries me a great deal in the case of my primary functional alter, with whom I have been fully co-conscious since the age of six, and the loss of whose autonomous presence in my life (our experience is that he has his own physical body, and in fact has his own completely separate life in another country) would be intolerable to me, even with the benefit of having greater access to his persona. I wonder whether my unwillingness to integrate this alter will completely stop my therapy at some point.
Hi David,
YES! I see that!!! I don’t think I’ll have to struggle with coming up with a new topic idea… The hard part will be deciding which topic to talk about next!
I do have lots to say about integration, and I will be posting about that topic soon. My quick response to you is…. no, an unwillingness to integrate will not stop your therapy. Refusing to get to know your other selves and your other persona’s will stop your therapy. Refusing to talk-communicate-cooperate with your other parts will stop your therapy. But, a refusal to integrate will not.
I’ll certainly be posting more on that that in the days to come…
Thanks for your comment, and your interest in this blog. I appreciate that.
Kathy
Hi Kathy,
Unfortunately we are suspecting it’s more of a therapeutic mis-match. As a very brief summary, we were referred to a clinical psychologist to try and move forward in the healing process. We were expecting to learn more coping mechanisms – it’s turned into something quite different.
We’ve seen her for about 16 sessions and while she acknowledges the dissociation, she has talked about “evicting” parts and “amalgamating persona’s” as she considers our internal house to be too crowded. We were and still are, fearful that our reaction to this was out of context.
Unfortunately are we live in a small city, the options for other therapists are very slim, but we are trying to find someone else at the moment.
Thank you again, the points you raise in your reply gave us all things to consider.
Take care.
oh boy…. ok, this information means something very different to me. “Evicting parts” goes in a very very different direction than how I work as a therapist, and it is totally opposite to what I personally recommend in terms of dissociative treatment. To each his own, and yes, many therapists do take a different approach than I do. That is ok — they can work however they choose to work. As for me, I do not, and will not recommend “eviction”. I take a very different approach to trauma resolution and developing system cooperation than that.
Yes, if your system is having a strong reaction to the thought of being evicted, that certainly warrants a whole different assessment as to whether this approach will work with you or not. And…. be sure you are really really really clear as to what she means.
You’ve brought up another really good point in regards to integration type issues. I have a lot to say about that too.
Thanks for the comment!
Kathy
Hi Kathy,
Thank you for this extensive response.
Kind regards
castorgirl
Thanks, castorgirl.
I hope some of my thoughts gave you some ideas of your own. I could probably write chapters on that topic tho’…. lol. It’s a really complicated issue, trying to sort out all the layers of things involved there. But keep working at it. You’ll figure it out… And if you have more questions, just write back!
Thanks again for your interest and your courage to ask …
Kathy
Kathy,
Thank you for this post; it’s also useful for those of us who’re currently looking for therapists, I think.
Wynne
Hi Wynne,
Thank you for your comment, and for your interest in this blog. There is a lot involved in looking for a new therapist, but yes, this article touches on some of those points. I appreciate your reading here. Please keep coming back!
Warmly,
Kathy
oh wow, oh wow, oh wow… thanks again, btc. I really do appreciate your kind words. And, sounds like to me, I need to keep going on this topic. It is a big topic – lots of different angles to present. Thank you, and I’ll certainly be writing more soon.
Seriously — THANK YOU.
Kathy