Hello,
I hope this day finds you doing well.
The first part of this article certainly caused a little stir, and maybe raised a few eyebrows along the way.
Please know, my intention in posting these blogs is not to offend anyone. If you have any questions or concerns about anything I’ve posted, please comment and let me know what you’re thinking! And here’s a big Thank You! to the folks who did comment to the “Part 1” post. I appreciate that.
Let me try framing the context of this article.
In previous blog posts, we’ve been discussing questions to ask a new therapist.
This article is, in some ways, a follow-up to that idea, because these are the kinds of things a therapist is going to be thinking about / assessing in new clients as they arrive at their door. These are also the strengths that you want to emphasize when you are meeting a new therapist.
If you approach your therapy keeping these qualities in mind, you will honestly find that more therapists will stay interested in working with you for the long haul.
That is not to say you have to be perfect. Who is???! It means, work on these things. Be mindful of them. Developing these strengths will make you a better person overall, and that is very much the goal of therapy.
These qualities, in my opinion, have nothing to do with mental illness.
I have worked with some very disturbed people with huge issues, and yet, they possessed these qualities, and they made huge progress in their healing. I’ve also seen some folks who appeared to be rather high-functioning, and yet, they did not, or could not grasp some of these basic ideas.
I agree with the brave soul who commented that these qualities are an important part of everyday life. The more that survivors strive to incorporate these strengths into their approach to everything, the better. Your self esteem will improve, your self-dignity will be solid, and people around you will appreciate you more.
I don’t expect every trauma survivor to have a solid grasp on these qualities, but I do hope every trauma survivor strives to.
Intermingle these strengths into your life everywhere that you can. You’ll be glad you did!
And here is part 2 of the article, “10 Qualities Therapists Recognize in Good Clients”:
6. Honesty and Trustworthiness
- Are you willing to be honest with yourself?
- Are you willing to lie to your therapist, or hide information, or lie by omission?
- Do you gossip and tell lies behind people’s backs?
- Do you gossip about your therapist?
- Do you lie to your inside parts? Does anyone in your system try to trick or deceive the others in your system?
Therapeutic relationships are built on honesty and trust. Your therapist will need to know you possess these qualities as well.
7. Loyalty
- Will you treat your friends and family members with kindness and respect even if they have done things you do not like?
- Will you loyally protect your internal system from predators and perpetrators, putting the safety of your inside parts as a priority?
- Are you loyal to your therapeutic process and will you keep clear boundaries around the therapeutic process?
- Will you respect your therapist’s trust in you to the same degree that you expect your therapist to respect your trust in them?
- If you and your therapist experience a conflict, where do you look to resolve that? Do you expect to resolve the conflict within the context of therapy, or will you spread the conflict outside the therapeutic relationship and draw others into it?
Your therapist and support team can be your greatest allies in your healing journey. However, a deep level of mutual respect is expected and needed in order to progress in therapy. It is crucial that you thoroughly differentiate the “good guys” from the “bad guys”. Therapists understand the concepts of transference and projection, and they will work with you in those tender moments, but there will be limits to that. I can promise you, your helpers do not want to be thrown under the bus any more than anyone else.
8. Creativity
- Are you determined to do the same things over and over again?
- Are you open to trying new options?
- Can you think outside of the box instead of being boxed in?
- Do you help to problem-solve the various dilemmas that surface?
- Will you work on ways to reach even the most difficult of insiders? Even if this involves several failed attempts before you successfully connect with these parts?
We’ve all heard the saying, “the definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over again, expecting to get different results.” A huge part of the healing process is learning new things and doing different things.
9. Gratitude and Appreciation
- Do you appreciate what people do for you?
- Do you recognize when someone is doing something for you?
- Do you thank them for helping you?
- In relationships, do you overlook smaller imperfections in appreciation of bigger strengths?
- Do you thank others in your dissociative internal system for the ways they have helped you to survive through the years? Do you recognize their strengths and talents in the current day?
Gratitude and appreciation are key elements of any healthy relationship. Don’t take the goodness of others for granted. Be thankful for what you receive from others.
10. Safety
- Are you a safe person?
- Do you use threats of violence, or threats of harm to others, or threats of emotional blackmail, or threats of any kind to destroy or control other people or to get your own way?
- Do you threaten self-harm or suicide as a way to manipulate others or to get your own way?
- Are you willing to hurt yourself or someone else in order to get your way, including others in your internal system?
- How far is “too far” to go to get what you want or prove you are “right”? Do you think there is such a thing as “too far”?
Therapists will model safe behavior. If you are acting in ways that are unsafe for yourself or manipulative of those around you, your therapist will set boundaries with you — just as you should set boundaries with someone who is unsafe in your direction.
If you follow these guidelines, you will have a much better relationship with your therapist and others around you.
If you are looking for a new therapist, remember that the more you can genuinely offer in the areas listed above, the more those therapists will view you as a client with potential — and the more positive potential you demonstrate in these areas of your life, the greater interest more therapists will have in working with you.
It goes to your advantage, your healing, your self-respect, and the amount of respect others will feel toward you to learn these things.
All people, including trauma survivors with Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID/MPD), can claim these strengths as their own. Work hard to be a “good person” in your therapy, and you’ll be amazed at how much difference this can make in your relationship with your therapist and with your system.
Remember:
Maintain your stability the best you can.
Be dependable in what you do, and do what you say you will do.
Maintain your motivation and your willingness to work hard.
Be courageous, even when it is scary.
Stay clear and upfront about your personal responsibilities.
Be honest and trustworthy at all times.
Stay loyal to your helpers.
Be creative in the hard times.
Have gratitude and appreciation for the good things and good people.
And be a safe person. Be safe for yourself, and be safe for others.
You can do it. I’m just sure of it.
I wish you the best in your healing journey.
Warmly,
Kathy
Copyright © 2008-2017 Kathy Broady MSW and Discussing Dissociation
Well, this was certainly a difficult read in many ways. I think that what Kathy has stirred up for many of us here is our desperate need to be seen and heard with all of our dimensions of self on full display (read alters plus all of the various modes of being/emotions/abilities to cope/etc. that each of our parts possess). We know that sometimes we can be very messy and not the ideal client. And, we certainly know that we have no control over our insiders and what they might get up to in therapy. Certainly, I fear that my T will abandon me (I had a T in the past who retired and, as my insider’s interpreted it, abandoned us) and I have big trauma issues with rules and punishment. So, to hear that we are being evaluated by Ts as to whether or not we are “good” clients (i.e., worthy of help) based on a list of acceptable behaviors is a tough concept to take in.
But, let’s all step back a second and give Kathy’s posting(s) a second chance/read. Here is my take on this posting.
First and foremost, if all you have read on this website is this article then you need to do some more reading to get to know Kathy better. And, for those of us who have read a lot of Kathy’s postings here, take another look at this article from the perspective of what you know about Kathy. This is what I know:
* Kathy is a tireless champion for us writing informative and thoughtful articles, maintaining this web blog, getting solid, trustworthy information out there and helping us with our questions/issues/problems.
* Kathy shows infinite knowledge and understanding of us beyond anything that I have ever experienced from a singleton (actually, I think that she should be made an honorary multiple because she seems to know us better than I, at least, know myself as a multiple sometimes).
* Kathy is encouraging, compassionate and mindful in all that she says and does here on this website. She is so caring that she anticipates when we may be having a rough time like her recent postings on Halloween.
* Kathy is always respectful of us: our issues, our needs, our concerns and our differences of opinion.
* Kathy is honest and trustworthy in all that she says and does here.
* Kathy is a whole lot of fun. She posts fun stuff for our little ones to help lighten our load and bring some joy into our lives.
Bottom line – it seems to me that Kathy always has our best interests in mind and would NEVER write anything here that was intentionally harmful to us in any way. Keep telling yourself that and the insiders that may be giving you conflicting messages. Then, maybe try rereading this article with that perspective in mind.
What Kathy has written about here is the reality of life. We cannot wrap ourselves in our DID diagnosis and use that as our excuse for behaviour that is not stable, dependable, willing to do the work, courageous, responsible, honest, trustworthy, loyal, creative and appreciative. What is wrong with those qualities? They are qualities that everyone should aspire to in my mind (i.e., not just DID folks). The qualities that Kathy lists are ones that I aspire to in all aspects of my life not just my therapy.
Also, I do not read here that Kathy expects that we are going to be on top of our game all of the time or that other Ts expect that either (well, maybe some but not all). Of course, we are going to have moments of crisis, neediness, instability, backlash from more uncooperative insiders, a whole range of emotions, etc. What I think that Kathy is saying is that, if you are stuck there for long periods of time or go into therapy in that place then it will be much more problematic for your T to work with you and they may choose to not accept you as a client or to terminate. But, quite frankly, if you are in a perpetual state of crisis where you are continually suicidal, harming yourself, abusing substances, contacting your T multiple times in the day/week, then maybe you need more intense in-house assistance. And, it is our T’s right to have professional boundaries as well. Just because they are a T does not mean that they have signed on to get absorbed into your needs/issues/crises 24/7.
Do I feel that I am in crisis all the time? Yes, but it has gotten better. Do I think about my T all of the time? Yes, she is my lifeline but I respect her space. Do I think about suicide some times? Yes, and I discuss this with my T. Do I abuse alcohol sometimes? Yes, and I discuss this with my T but I NEVER come to her office drunk (hung over maybe). Do I handle all these issues on my own until my next appointment? Yes (with help from family and friends), because I respect the boundaries and contract that my T and I have for weekly therapy (although to be honest, in four years, I – or my husband — have telephoned her four times and emailed her twice when I was in severe crisis).
Okay … just my take on this issue. Thank you for your patience.
Say, maybe we can write a blog article on what makes a good therapist (or if there is one already, please point me to it). 😉
Parts of these two articles made me feel very sad.
What I walk away with is this – my thoughts not your words. Just what I am wondering.
– If you self injure or are suicidal don’t tell your therapist because they might not want to deal with you because you are being manipulative and are high maintenance. However, you must also be very honest with your therapist and put things on the table. The two seem a bit in conflict. I don’t want to be a bad client. I want to be able to be honest without my T thinking I am trying to be manipulative or get attention. Maybe it is better to just be quiet.
– Don’t show emotions like irritation or frustration. Keep them a secret. If you show that you are irritated then it means you are not taking your therapy seriously and are wasting the therapist’s time.
Part of me knows that is not what you are getting at. Part of me doesn’t. I think I am a good client but now I wonder about keeping my T happy so that I am not too much of a bother. Honest enough to make progress but not so transparent that I am a BIG bother? Be honest about what I’m feeling but only if they are nice acceptable emotions?
Ugh. I feel like I have run into another wall where rules are confusing. And I am not supposed to break rules. I struggle with social rules as it is. Be real but not too real. Be honest but not too honest. Be good. Don’t rock the boat. Don’t make your T feel uncomfortable.
This is just what I am walking away with. My words, my thoughts. I know you didn’t say this or intend this, but it’s where I am at. Feeling anxious now and worried I will do it wrong. 🙁
Thanks Everyone. All I know is I need help. I do not know how to do therapy except it is talk. I have no idea what to talk about except how I feel . I feel crazy, confused and automatic-robotic. Know idea how to heal and where to even start. Your guide outline is just what my therapist and I needed to go over first. Ya, I do not qualify as a good client! Didn’t know that there are good and bad clients nor the qualification and abilities I needed to have t work with a therapist. But going through step by step, Yes I have the abilities or at least can develop those qualities needed. Had a very poor upbring! Good place to start. My start was crisis and Trauma memory work. No foundation build with past therapists. She says I will not let her in????? I am here, what do you mean?
Now I am understanding what talk therapy is and what she can do to help me. Before when asked how can I help you, all I could say was, I don’t know how you can help me. Totally lose! I am going to bring your 10 things into therapy and the two of us go though it. My Therapist and I need to be on the same page and working together and THAT is not what I have been doing. Yes, some parts can and some won’t but will work with that as well. Thanks for opening up my eyes to see the direction I need to start with and the steps to get to where real healing can start.
And you got to be nice to you T
Dont be mene to them
That be impotant to.
Are you serious? You want to treat only good people? You think these qualities are not affected by mental illnesses? Come on now…
I agree. When I began therapy I was not a “good” client! I was pretty much in crisis all the time. Thankfully, my dear therapist was gracious, loving, compassionate and willing to take me on and I was with her for many, many years. If it weren’t for her, I might not be here today. I am appalled at this list.
I just had a thought about something else people might worry about when reading these lists. For us DID’ers, you have to worry not only about what you do and how you are, but also baout who the others inside are and what they do.
I think I already know the answer here, but think asking the question might be helpful for others. How does a therapist lookign for these qualities assess them when some insiders are very good at this stuff and possess all those qualities, but others do not and may sabotage those who do?
Hi Gobbies,
Good question. For myself, if I see that one person in the system has that strength, then I know the person as a whole can have that strength. I think that if one part can do it, they can at least show the other parts how to develop those same qualities. So… if it’s there in one, it can be there in all! A big therapy goal is to let the those strengths come out in everyone so both the outside worlds and the inside worlds can see them.
Kathy
hello Kathy —
Good list(s) — thanks for writing that up.
I recognized a lot of the things that have been important to me/my system in our interactions with our therapist and others. (For the most part — although we all have our moments…)
And actually, we built our guidelines over the years from the interactions we’ve had with people who have made us sorry we knew them — our guidelines are all the things we don’t want to be or don’t want to do. So I can definitely agree that people who go overboard on some of these things do not make very good friends. Probably they don’t make very good therapy clients either — only because, in my experience (as I think someone else mentioned already), some people are more committed to their crises than to their healing — and if that’s the case, then what’s the point of therapy anyway?
There are also some things mentioned here that hadn’t occurred to us before. We appreciate the food for thought.
RockerGirl
http://rockingcomplacency.wordpress.com/
Hey RockerGirl,
You rock! 🙂 It’s good to hear from you, and I must say right up front that I am so impressed by your series on internet predators — thank you so much for having the courage to share your experiences in such a helpful way. I really think your articles could have a profound impact on teaching other survivors more about safety.
And you’ve got a point — people will show, in their therapeutic interactions, the same types of relationship struggles and problems that they have with other people. Therapy is the place to learn new and better behaviors and interpersonal relationship skills (hopefully!). The goal is that as new and better skills are learned via therapy, other social relationships will mirror those same improvements. It can happen!
Yes, commitment to crisis is a big topic…. but an important truth to look at, nonetheless. I’d like to strongly encourage people to move away from that place…. There are much better things to be committed to!!
I’m glad my posts are encouraging you to think…. Think, think, think! That’s the point! 🙂
I hope you’re having a good Christmas week — happy holidays to you.
Kathy